posted
***** The first to go under pulled his legs free of the fence. He belly-crawled forward to a low rise and rolled over the lip and pulled himself under a large bush. He turned onto his back and tried to look up at the sky through the thickness of the bush. He could not see the sky. He tried to feel different but he could not. Should I feel any different, he thought. I don’t know he answered. I don’t feel anything except scared, but I guess maybe that is normal. He lay for a moment on his back trying to look at the sky and trying to feel different from before and not being able to do either of these things. To Hell with it, he thought, to hell with it all. To Hell with everyone on the other side of that fence. Hell. He rolled over onto his stomach and crawled up to and just a little over the crest of the rise. Through the fence and beyond the drill field lit by a dozen low-pressure sodium lamps he could see the outline of the Atlantic Fleet Drill Hall and right of that the building he had just been. The camp was too large to have seen it all from where he was, but he knew beyond the drill hall and across the road was the new drill hall being built. *****
Well, that comes out to 13 lines single spaced off of word. . .not sure how it'll format here, but it *is* 13 lines :/
Anyway, pokes and prods and hints, tips, tricks and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
posted
Okay... first things first: This isn't the start of your story, is it? The trouble I'm having is working out the context of this fragment and I'm unable to comprehend what is really happening. Perhaps an introduction would have helped that.
quote:He belly-crawled forward to a low rise and rolled over the lip and pulled himself under a large bush.
hmm... could be tense problem here... Since the first sentence is happening as we read, this feels more like it already happened... easily solved tho by changing the verbs to: "Belly-crawling, rolling, pulling" -- you'll need commas, possibly to make that happen.
quote:Through the fence and beyond the drill field lit by a dozen low-pressure sodium lamps he could see the outline of the Atlantic Fleet Drill Hall and right of that the building he had just been.
This could use a comma or two... or maybe even worded differently. Also, I think a full stop (period) after "Hall" would be a good idea.
quote:Should I feel any different, he thought
This is a question to himself... it still needs a question mark, imo.
quote: The camp was too large to have seen it all from where he was, but he knew beyond the drill hall and across the road was the new drill hall being built.
What? There are too many "drill halls" in this line and it is confusing me. By the way, is this a military story?
Anyway, this doesn't work for me at all. Though it feels like someone going AWOL or UA (unauthorized absence)... or maybe even attacking a military base.
posted
Aaahhhh, a knife in my heart. I knife in my heart, a knife in my heart, a knife in my heart.
I wanted to post "I don't like how it cuts off here, it gives a misleading impression," but 13 lines is 13 lines, unfortunately. I was wondering, HSO, if perhaps I could borrow some of your time with the rest of this via eMail or something(it's not long at all, a page single spaced) because it is indeed the introduction and possibility it would make more sense in a broader "context". Or maybe it would just be more that needs to be rewritten or thrown away. . .any of these alternatives are productive for me, though. Anyway, if it's not possible, thanks for taking the time for the existing comments.
posted
sure, no worries about emailing me, though you may wish to wait for more feedback from others before doing so. You've only seen my opinion, and there are far more qualified and educated opinions than mine on this board. Still, send it away, I'll look at it.
Posts: 1520 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I wonder why you are starting the story with an anonymous character. "The first to go under..." seems to suggest that others will follow who are equally, if not more important. Then we stay with this guy, but don't know who he is. Certainly you are giving us clues about the environment, but there is a curious sense of distance.
I'm not sure that I agree with HSO about the tense issue, but I agree that breaking up things with a "ing" would make things roll along a little more smoothly. Ditto on the rest of his comments.
Were the thoughts to himself italisized in the original? If not, that would help me a lot. As it is now, I had a very dizzy moment when we swung from 3rd person to 1st person.
posted
Let me start by saying I like your idea. It reminds me of playing Mission Impossible after dark at camp . I want to find out what's happened and what is going to happen. That said, I don't think this paragraph reads well.
quote: The first to go under pulled his legs free of the fence.
-feels akward, almost too short or something. I also get the impression that others are following him, but then we never see them.
quote: He belly-crawled forward to a low rise and rolled over the lip and pulled himself under a large bush.
-too many "ands", feels choppy. You could replace the first one with a comma without changing anything else and it would have a smoother flow. Or replace the second one with a comma and change "pulled" to "pulling".
quote: Through the fence and beyond the drill field lit by a dozen low-pressure sodium lamps he could see the outline of the Atlantic Fleet Drill Hall and right of that the building he had just been.
-This sentence is confusing to me. Is he looking back the way he came? Is he seeing it with his eyes or in his mind? Or is he looking toward his objective?
quote: The camp was too large to have seen it all from where he was, but he knew beyond the drill hall and across the road was the new drill hall being built.
-too many drill halls in two sentences. It just compounds my confusion.
************* It could be the journalist in me, but, this seems quite long for one paragraph. With all the action, then internal dialouge, then surveying the scene -- it might be easier to follow if it was broken up on the page.
You're starting several sentences with "he". Infact, four of the first five begin "He..." Variety is the spice of life!
I'm intrigued by the setup but I feel like I'm deciphering the story instead of reading it.
Hope this wasn't too critical. When you're ready for people to read more, I wouldn't mind taking a look.
posted
I find that when a story is told from the lmited point of view of one character, as this one is, that we should have a name for that character. After all, we're inside his head, theoretically knowing what he knows and feeling what he feels...surely he knows his name.
Other than the naming thing, the biggest thing that struck me about this passage was the following:
quote:He tried to feel different but he could not.
Without context, this sentence has no meaning for me. How did he feel before and why? Why does he want to feel differently now?
I know you only get to post 13 lines and that can be frustrating. I imagine you answer these questions in the next few pages. The trouble is, even if I had the next few pages in front of me I might not read that far. Right now, at this point, I have nothing to reltae to or sympathize with. It is for this reason that I believe you may have started this story in the wrong place, though that is difficult to say without knowing where you're going.
If you haven't read OSC MICE question, it's a good guideline for how to begin a story. I also have the following opinion when it comes to beginning stories: Start with something the reader can understand and relate to. As we travel through this story, you are going to introduce us to strangers and strange situation, so we need to have a way to care right away. Conflict is more important than action, for this reason. I can understand a fight between a mother and daughter that causes the daughter to run away. But I cannot understand a girl walking for miles on end, contemplating her life without first knowing that she's run away from home because of a fight with her mother.
To put it in context, I cannot understand a man crawling on his belly away from a building unless I first know that he was a prisoner, or a thief, or a spy, or something else that might have put him at night crawling on his belly. I cannot even wager to guess what he might be wanting to change his feelings about.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited July 16, 2004).]
quote:He tried to feel different but he could not.
In contrast to Christine's feelings about this sentence, I found it to be possibly the most intriguing part of the entire passage. I get the distinct impression from it that this character is escaping from some rather unpleasant place, escaping to freedom.
If it were revealed later that there was no real reason he should feel differently, then I would feel cheated and violated as a reader!
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There are too many "drill halls" in this line and it is confusing me. By the way, is this a military story?
. I want to find out what's happened and what is going to happen. That said, I don't think this paragraph reads well. 
