posted
I'd posted this on another writing forum some time ago, but everyone was simply too nice. This is from my first draft of my very first fantasy novel (whee!) In this scene, my protagonist (a slave with no recollection of his life or name) is being dragged across a salt flat as part of a slave train.
Thud… thud… thud… Was it the dull thud of my feet hitting the ground, or the blood pounding in my ears? Perhaps it was the tangible force of the sun beating down on my uncovered head and shoulders… or was it raining? At eighteen hours of forced march without food, water or rest, I was in no condition to know the difference. If it was raining, couldn’t I just look upwards and open my mouth? That way I could get a drink at least. I decided to try my theory. I looked up, thrusting my parched, cracked, salty dust-caked lips upward. I was certain I was tasting rainwater. A sudden rush of pain cured me of that misconception – my sudden change of pose caused me to lose my balance, and I fell to the arid ground. I must have bitten my lip. I can taste the sharp tang of blood. “On your feet, cur!” a harsh, high-pitched voice snarled at me. Another sting of pain told my fatigue-dulled mind that I had been savagely flogged for my weakness. Without a word, I dragged myself to my feet, my mind having shut itself away from the world long ago.
[This message has been edited by MisterRaziel (edited August 12, 2004).]
posted
I can assure you, we won't be nice here unless you deserve it.
That said....WOW. I mean, I really did like this opening. I have a couple of nits that I'll get to in a minute but basically you've got me hooked. I want to know what's happening to this guy.
Now to the nits...
" I can taste the sharp tang of blood."
This seems to be a change in tense, from past to present, and it broke me out of the story.
Also, was it raining? The guy said. "Ah, there, water!" but you make it sound like it's not raining in every other line...the arid ground, the cracked lips, the sun beating down. This threw me a bit.
posted
I think the biggest problem is that the writing is much too clear to match the delirium. Or rather . . . shoot, I don't know how to say this.
Let's try this. You're writing in first person. You're describing events a fairly long time after they occur. In that looking-back sense, it's reasonable to just tell us that you [i.e., your character] were delirious. It's possible to write this in a close POV manner, such that you're reporting on your actual thoughts and stuff, and thus showing the delirium in action. I think that's what you're trying to do. But statements like: "A sudden rush of pain cured me of that misconception" don't fit that attempt.
In other words, some of what you have here is an attempt to show the state of mind of your character at the time, and the rest of it shows the state of mind at the time of writing. They don't mix.
Biggest recommendation? Do this in third person. That will eliminate the "this is me looking back" persona altogether, and let you concentrate on the story as it happens.
posted
This could be one heck of a scene. I'm really a fan of stress scenes, in which the characters are suffering. It goes to great lengths to illicit sympathy. But I'm having a hard time having much sympathy for him. I don't really see that he's suffering because his reactions seem too passive. As if he's telling the story from a long time afterward when the emotions are no longer raw. I want the emotions to be raw. I want to know what he was feeling. Deeply.
Dittos on what rick said, praticularly about the third person POV.
Bytheway, rick. How was your vacation?
So this is a scene taken from somewhere within the story?
OK. I can buy that if it's cut right from the center of something. But if it's the beggining of the story or even if it's the beggining of a scene I'm concerned that it's not the best lead in to something else. Mostly, I think, because of underdeveloped scene description.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited August 13, 2004).]
posted
I was afraid you'd say that. This is the very first chapter, and I'm about ten chapters (roughly 16000 words) in. Looks like she's due for a re-write, then.
I wanted the character to be numb, emotionally dead, without much going on, so that he would be revived a few chapters down the line.
Now, say, if I were to add a prologue as a sort of vague dream sequence showing the sacking of the hero's village and his capture, would that add to the tension? Perhaps elicit some more sympathy if you have an idea of where this guy came from and how good his life was before this chapter?
Some people don't like prologues, but I think they work well for some stories. You could even do the prologue from the antagonists POV, or whomever attacked this village, and show your hero throught their eyes. It gives your bad guy a good setup too, and helps to heighten the tension. Just a thought.
posted
I'll second the notion that you'd have a lot more room to work if you'd do this in third person. Especialy ince you said this is a first novel. Scott made a big point during this year's Boot Camp of saying that beginners need to stay away from first person. As tempting as it is (because it SEEMS so easy), he said it's the hardest thing to do right.
I like your writing style a lot though. That's a more subjective call, but I found it smooth for the most part and easy to read.
posted
You know something, when Rick said you had done this in first person poiv of view I was surprised. I looked back and realized you had...For some reason, this was always in third person in my mind. Now that he's pointed it out, it's nagging at me like everyone else. Sigh.
It doesn't take a major rewrite to switch from first to third, really it doesn't. It takes a major REVISION....but not a rewrite. You could also switch to third person in chapter 11 and go back and redo chapter 1-10 later. The advantage here is that you keep going and ifnish the rough draft of the story.
quote:Now, say, if I were to add a prologue as a sort of vague dream sequence showing the sacking of the hero's village and his capture, would that add to the tension? Perhaps elicit some more sympathy if you have an idea of where this guy came from and how good his life was before this chapter?
I don't think you NEED to do that. What if you were to talk about how he struggles not to think about what has happened and what it was like before because that's too painful (so, of course, he does think about it, but only in glimpses that really hurt and that he tries to distract himself from by trying to pay more attention to his current surroundings)?
posted
I like Kathleen's suggestion. Also, if you do decide to do a prologue, make sure it isn't vital to the story as half of your readers will probably skip it anyway.
Oh, and I liked this bit. I think 3rd would be a better choice for this as well. With the 1st person I kept thinking, "well.. he obviously lives, so I wonder when he'll get rescued or escape" instead of what you probably wanted me to think, "what happened to this guy, and will he make it?"
posted
OSC has taught an intensive writing workshop during the summer for the last few years which he calls "Literary Boot Camp."
If you think you'd be interested in applying for it, keep checking the Hatrack home page for information about the next one (should appear sometime after the first of the year).
posted
~~Now, say, if I were to add a prologue as a sort of vague dream sequence showing the sacking of the hero's village and his capture, would that add to the tension? Perhaps elicit some more sympathy if you have an idea of where this guy came from and how good his life was before this chapter?~~
I think it's fine as is. Although, like some of the others, I would prefer a pov change to either 3rd person or maybe a style of writing more closer to the character's thoughts--stream of consciousness, maybe. Something to more accurately show his mental condition. But as an opener, it works for me; it shows a situation ripe for change. I'm also biased, since I like reading about slaves in fantasy.
posted
I'm going to concur with KDW's idea. You're already doing something of that sort with the fantasy of catching some rain. I also concur with the tense and POV suggestions Christine and RF gave.
One thing to remember, a POV character doesn't need a name as such, only a unique identifier that lets the readers know something about that character. In this case, you have a delirious slave in chains. Using that identifier tells us a lot that any number of "I" "my" and "me" doesn't tell us. First, it tells us that this person doesn't have a name right now. Second, it gives us a distinct reason for that. It also gives us some other information, and you can give us more very easily by using other adjectives and nouns in connection with this character. We can learn sex, age, physical condition, race, all without ever having you tell us that the POV character notices these things. They will simply be what the character is.
As the reader begins to get a clearer conception of who he is, you can go further. Eventually the identifier becomes "the deposed prince" (or whatever) and eventually we get a name (or maybe not, sad endings are okay too).
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