posted
This is the first paragraph from a new story I've just started. The basic concept behind it is one I've been mulling over for a little while now, and when I presented it at Boot Camp last June, Dave Wolverton said he thought the idea was big enough to do one or more novels with, so at that time I set it aside. But I'd really feel more comfortable trying the idea out on a short story or two to get a feel for it before plunging into a novel.
I'm not going to go into details about what the concept behind the story is because I'd like you all to read this cold, like an editor would, without any preface, and see if it works. I'm still working on the rest of the story, so at the moment I'm only looking for feedback on this paragraph - no need to commit to anything else. It has no title (yet).
*** All right, this might be cheating, but I am a chronic fiddler with my material and don't want to waste your time with old versions, so the new version of this opening is down a few posts if you're still interested in reading it.***
[This message has been edited by Edmund (edited August 13, 2004).]
posted
A fe things. First of all, without even knowing what the concept it I can assure you that any concept big enough for a novel can also be small enough for a short story, depending upon the angle. Many novels come out of short stories, so even if you write and sell this you can still decide to write a series of novels about it later. The question at that time is whether or not you love the concept enough for a novel, or especially for a series of novels. :=)
Anyway, on to the paragraph. The thing that caught my attention the most was the presence of the Model T Ford. Up until that point, this might have been any mundane fantasy starting with a character walking at night in a camp, but that threw an interesting bone into things. This is only a nibble hook, not a fool throated one, but this isn't even thirteen lines yet and you've got my attention for a couple of pages just by saying that.
That said, I did have a couple of problems with this paragraph. The first problem came up in the very first sentence. Actually, I've been thinking about starting a discussion about this since we talk about openings so much, but let me introduce the idea here. The first sentence in your story is long. You've given us quite a lot of details to chew on for a sentence that hsa absolutely no background or context yet. There's no moon the stars are bright, he's in a camp, he's going to Kilian's tent, he can see where he's going....It's just a thought but I wonder if you could break that sentence down into two punchier sentences if it might have a better grab factor, for lack of a better way to put this.
That is just a minor point, and I only mention it because, like I said, it's something I've been thinking baout. A bigger problem I had with this opening was the fire...where did it come from? In the first sentence hs' navigating by starlight and now he's navigating by fire. I sense an inconsistency there.
I think that's about all I can say about one paragraph. :=)
posted
The Model T is the kicker here. Caught my attention, too. I'll tweak part of Christine's advice, since I'm not that adverse to the first sentence: the first two sentences are both long, which doesn't contribute well to flow. Break up one or the other; in this case, I'm tempted to recommend the first as well, but maybe putting the Model T into its own sentence would be a good idea. The last sentence made me wonder about POV violation. How did Micah know no one else could feel the warmth? All in all, this is a nice beginning. Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
Thanks, to both of you, and good points. The Model T was in there primarily to put the story in it's proper time period, and from your comments I suspect it was not doing that job all by itself, so I've rewritten things. I'm trying to give the reader as much story information as possible in a clear, concise way that is not hurried. See if this works better.
There was no moon, and for the first time in a week the wind was mercifully still. However, the stars were so bright that Micah would have sworn it light enough to read by, so he had no trouble checking over the wagons, horses, and lone Model T Ford. Crossing Oklahoma during this wretched Dust Bowl rendered the Model T as much of a hindrance as a help lately, and Micah wondered why this tribe of nomads wasted their energy dragging it along.
Truth be told, he knew why the tribe wouldn’t give the vehicle up; he just chaffed at being responsible for one more thing during the four days that everyone else in this sprawling camp was intangible. Keep the tents tied down, groom the animals, watch for strangers, feed the prisoner in the cage. It was a lot to ask of one man.
As Micah picked his way toward the center of camp toward Killian’s tent, the phantasmal black and white night scene gradually gave way to the lively crackling orange of a lone fire. Normally there would be a dozen or more fires in a camp this size, but not tonight; not for the next few nights. This fire was for Micah’s benefit alone. None of the others could feel its warmth during this phase of the moon.
Okay, explain, please, if it is a moonless night, where does the white come from?
quote:The last sentence made me wonder about POV violation. How did Micah know no one else could feel the warmth?
My assumption is that either A) they cannot feel the warmth because they are not around, or B) they are in an altered state, mentally, physically or both, that renders them insensitive to the warmth. Am I right, Edmund?
You have certainly intrigued me with this beginning! If you are looking for readers, give me one day then send it over!
Very intriguing. I would love to see more as it comes.
That said, this drove me nuts:
quote:he just chaffed at being responsible for one more thing during the four days that everyone else in this sprawling camp was intangible
I can't for the life of me figure out what this sentence is talking about, or how the clauses are supposed to be structured (ie. what modifies what). Do you mean he chaffed at being responsible for one more intangible thing during the four days that everyone else...something?
Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I would guess it means that the rest of the tribe are not tangible on the night in question, that they have "phased" into another plane or something. Micah is left to watch over the camp while everyone else is "off" doing what they do on this other plane. Is that right?
And I think the "black and white" is a photography reference. Then the color comes into play with the fire. Did I get it?
If it is a photography reference, I personally wouldn't use it. I would think of another way of saying it. Like shades of grey or a charcoal rubbing with eyes glowing in the orange firelight. I hate suggesting new words for other peoples stories, so I hope this isn't too invasive, or stinky cheese for you.
I don't know how much you have, but if your'e looking for readers, I would take a look at some of it. That is, if I guessed correctly at your descriptions.
[This message has been edited by TruHero (edited August 14, 2004).]
posted
On a star lit night, you can see with your rods but there isn't enough light to activate your cones, so everything looks black and white. Moonlight will give you a sense of blues and hints of other colors. Of course my visual acuity drops to near zero on moonless nights, so I have to use my other senses more. But that's neither here nor there.
I have to admit, when you first say that everyone else in camp was intangible, I thought you must have made a gross vocabulary error. But I figured it out soon enough.
Overall, this is a great start to an interesting story. One thing that isn't quite clear, is Micah part of the tribe or not? Either he's an unusually trusted outsider or a member low enough to be spared to handle mundane chores, but which isn't quite evident. The fact that Micah can work by starlight alone isn't quite conclusive, many normal humans have very good night vision.
I will say that "toward the center of camp toward Killian’s tent" should almost certainly be "toward Killian’s tent in the center of the camp", but mostly I think that this language doesn't need fiddling.
Other than those two criticisms, I find this highly promising. And I must admit, it seems that nobody else was bothered by these particular points.
posted
I get it now. It was such an abstract application of the word that I had ruled out that reading without realizing it.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Wow, the things you guys do instead of sleeping. It was like waking up on Christmas morning to a forum full of comments.
I've only got about three pages of this written so far, but I'm trying to make sure that it is very clear what's going on before I proceed any further. For the record, yes, I was thinking that the limited light from the stars made things appear as if they were in blak and white, and yes, this race of people (of which Micah is an accepted outsider) literaly become intangible when the moon is not present. Their tangibility wanes and waxes with the moon, so they are also super-tough when the moon is full.
I'll send out a copy of the first three pages to everyone who expressed an interest, and I thank all of you for your time and help. You guys are great!
quote:Wow, the things you guys do instead of sleeping.
LOL. For my part, I've been having an awful time sleeping of late. Dozed off briefly during the Olympics last night (not something I'm known to do), but when I got up to go to bed, I was fully awake. I hate when that happens.
Anyroad, I'll take a look at three pages.
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited August 14, 2004).]
quote:this race of people (of which Micah is an accepted outsider) literaly become intangible when the moon is not present. Their tangibility wanes and waxes with the moon, so they are also super-tough when the moon is full.
Hmm. A couple of questions:
Sort of like the curse on the Pirates of the Caribbean?
Since moonlight is reflected sunlight, what happens to them during the day?
posted
Not like Pirates -- though that movie was as much fun as anything I've seen in a long time.
I'm thinking something more along the lines of the way the moon affects the tides with it's gravitational pull. When the moon is full, the sun and moon are generally on opposites of the earth, resulting in one kind of gravitational pull. When the moon is new, they sun and moon are on the same side of the earth, resulting in a different gravitational pull. So the effect on this race of people, just like the effect on the tides, is not dependent on the light reflected off the moon so much as the position of the moon. That's my theory (so far).
It's fun (and challenging) working these details out, so keep the tough questions coming.
[This message has been edited by Edmund (edited August 14, 2004).]
posted
Hah. I think that's quite interesting, since it would imply that they are extra-terrestrial rather than supernatural in origin. On the other hand, the tides are affected similarly by the full moon and the new moon. It is the quarter moons that result in reduced tides.
If they simply cannot remain tangible when the moon is on the sunward side of the Earth, then wouldn't it be usual to have more than one mundane about? That doesn't need answering in the first few pages anymore than questions about the exact mechanism of the tribe's connection to the full moon, but it is to be thought out.
posted
I'm still figuring out the details, so I'm open either way, but I'm curious what about this suggests to you that these people would be extraterrestrial.
Posts: 1200 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I thought I just explained that. To any terrestrial life form, the full moon and the new moon have an identical effect on the Earth's gravity. Only beings sensitive to the field far from the surface of the Earth could be affected by the difference.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
See now, we're hearing from a number of sci-fi writers, but I'm seeing this as fantasy, so I'm not as particular on the effects of the moon's gravitational pull on their "phases." I'm reading magic into this, no scientific particulars. Either way, I'm drawn in. So much so that I don't really care HOW it happens, but I'd sure like to know WHY.
But then, if this IS a sci-fi we HAVE to know both.
And would you PLEASE include me on your list of readers for those first few (more by now?) pages. Thanks.
posted
Thanks again; you all are being a great help in forcing me to know my own creation before I write about it. This is definitely fantasy stuff and I probably should have said so sooner. This race of nomads are human, but they carry a curse. I'm starting to see this as a trilogy, with curse being resolved at the very end.
I'm rewriting again, but as soon as I'm done (give me a few days), I'll send it out again. I want to nail the beginning before I write too much more.
posted
As for fantasy, the rules don't have to adhere to our current understanding of the physical world.
The ancients knew that there was a full moon or a new moon whether or not you could see it. Throw around terms about Artemis and Apollo (or Hekate and Helios/Selene and Sol) being in opposition and conjunction and so forth. Make them lovers or fraternal twins or enemies depending on your taste, and give a reason that Artemis/Hekate/Selene has less influence during the new moon.
posted
The only thing that bothered me was the first sentence of the second paragraph (in your excerpt). It felt too long for the drama you were trying to create. To me, anyway.
quote: There was no moon, and for the first time in a week the wind was mercifully still. [WORDING HERE SEEMS A LITTLE AWKWARD.]However, the stars were so bright that Micah would have sworn it light enough to read by, [Huh? What's this about reading?] so he had no trouble checking over the wagons, horses, and lone Model T Ford. Crossing Oklahoma during this wretched Dust Bowl rendered the Model T as much of a hindrance as a help lately, and Micah wondered why this tribe of nomads wasted their energy dragging it along.
[I'm totaly confused at this point.] Truth be told, he knew why the tribe wouldn’t give the vehicle up; he just chaffed at being responsible for one more thing during the four days that everyone else in this sprawling camp was intangible. Keep the tents tied down, groom the animals, watch for strangers, feed the prisoner in the cage. [Perhaps a dash would smooth the transition?] It was a lot to ask of one man.
As Micah picked his way toward the center of camp toward Killian’s tent, the phantasmal black and white night scene gradually gave way to the lively crackling orange of a lone fire. [This is really too much. The adjective overload really distracts me.] Normally there would be a dozen or more fires in a camp this size, but not tonight; not for the next few nights. This fire was for Micah’s benefit alone. None of the others could feel its warmth during this phase of the moon.
The main problem I see is unclearity. Tighten the wording and it will improve a great amount. Furthermore -- this is VERY important -- I know the whole plot idea of intangibilty. As such, you can't trust my reaction at all.
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited August 18, 2004).]
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