posted
Hello out there! I have been writing in a vacuum for a some time now and have recently started looking for an outlet to get some feedback. I'm a huge fan of OSC and this is a great workshop he's set up. I have included the first part of a 1000+/- word short story. It's kind of a psychological fiction. If you would like to see more let me know and I'll send it to you. I'd love some feedback if you have the time. Also tell me if this beats the 13-line rule. It's 13 lines on my original document...
<START SUBMISSION>
Nick hates everyone, I think as he pours himself another scotch. He offers me one, but I tell him, for the tenth time, it would be silly. The ancient recliner creaks as he shrugs and leans back to get a better look at the television. I want to say something, but it’s a lost cause.
He keeps me in front of the couch opposite him. The damn thing feels like a tweed coat stuffed with sawdust anyway. The rest of the apartment looks worn out. Dust and old cigarette smoke taints the air and coats the walls. Furniture, forced to servitude well after retirement, clutters and breaks up the living space. The beaten, rotting soul in the recliner completes the scene. Nick mumbles something else about a show, but I’m not paying attention. I stopped wasting my life on this pathetic loser a long time ago.
So we just sit there staring at the flickering god of the brainless, pretending this isn’t just like old times.
<END SUBMISSION>
Thanks!
[This message has been edited by Braddock (edited October 20, 2004).]
This sounds like it's going somewhere interesting, but I'm not going to volunteer to read the whole thing until I have a chance to gauge how committed you're going to be to the give-and-take that makes this site as great as it is. Unfortunately we come across that ocassional annoyance who takes much more than he/she gives. I'm sure you won't be one of those.
For now, I hope it's enough that I comment on your first thirteen lines.
First, I feel like your POV is awkward. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's the language used by your narrator. But I wonder if it might work better in 3rd person.
Second, your narrator says:
quote:I stopped wasting my life on this pathetic loser a long time ago.
If this is true, why is he there watching the "flickering god of the brainless" with him? Even if that is explained sometime soon I'm not going to be convinced. I'm at least going to believe that your narrator is a complete dolt.
Third:
quote:He offers me one, but I tell him, for the tenth time, it would be silly.
Silly? Everything about this paragraph tags your narrator as a man, except this one word. It threw me off. Change it, IMO.
Fourth, there are a few places where I'm not sure about placement of things. Like: "...leans back to get a better look at the television." He leans BACK to see the TV better? Really? And: "He keeps me in front of the couch..." So the narrator isn't ON the couch? Is he on the floor in front of the couch? Is he standing? Is the couch a forbidden zone or something?
LOVE the last line. Very nice. Overall, language is a pleasure to read. Good luck and I look forward to a healthy repartee with you in future.
posted
Welcome to Hatrack, Braddock! I'll take a look at it only if you don't mind getting the feedback next week. Email's in the profile. Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I'm going to pass on reading the full story for two reasons: First, I've just started an on-line class that will be making me read half a dozen short stories a week for critique. (That's the big reason, actually.) Second, I have a block about first person present tense that most of the people on this site are familiar with by now. I just don't like it. That doesn't make it wrong, but it does make it not something I can help you with fairly.
But from the first few paragraphs, I can see that you writer very well. In fact, if you have other stories in the future written in a different tense/POV I would probably be willing to give them a try just for the language. The thing about langugae is you can't help someone fix it. I know, I've tried. That's something that a person has to do on his/her own from reading, writing a lot, and sometimes even just getting a command of grammar.
I liked your first sentence. Hatred is a strong emotion. I didn't understand why he thought taking the scotch would be silly. I LOVED the last sentence...about the flickering God of the brainless. Very nice. I would change one word in that sentence..."there" to "here". I think the "here" makes more sense in this particular point of view and may be part of Dakota's problem.
The only other suggestion I have, and I am entirely hesitant about giving this one, is that the second paragraph almost loses me. I'm not sure why. It does set the scene very nicely, give us a bit of atmosphere, but it seems forced, almost unrealistic for a first person present point of view. Given that everything that happens is something the POV character is thinking or doing, it just doesn't fit. I wonder if there's some more active way you can give this setting? Maybe as Nick fills up his scotch glass he walks back through the haze of dust and cigarette smoke and then sits down on the broken recliner. (And you insert your much more descriptive words in here, I'm just giving an example, not trying to write it for you. )
posted
Easy to read so far, and the last line makes me want to find out what their relationship is. I'll have a look
Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Some excellent comments here. You all give REALLY good advice and there are a lot of great submissions out there. This is all coming from a "new guy" but I'm impressed and I'll definitely stick around.
Christine, I have several other stories that are in third person and first person past tense that I may try and post after I really get my hands around this and work through some of the other submissions out there.
<Sorry djvdakota...the next comment was meant for you, but I forgot to put your name above it originally>
I agree with your comments on fine tuning this POV ("there" to "here", "silly", am I standing or sitting, etc...). And that comment about wasting time...yep that sentence, especially in the beginning, makes me not want to move on... Thanks! I welcome any other comments anyone has.
[This message has been edited by Braddock (edited October 21, 2004).]
posted
Hi I'm new as well, so I don't know how useful my feedback will be as yet, but I'd be happy to read it, if you like. Word doc preferably, but rtf is fine.
I like style quite a bit, and just how much vivid description you manage to squeeze into 13 lines; I am definitely there in the apartment. I esp. like:
quote: Furniture, forced to servitude well after retirement, clutters and breaks up the living space. The beaten, rotting soul in the recliner completes the scene.
The two sentences I have a problem with: "He keeps me in front of the couch opposite him", as has been mentioned, makes no sense whatsoever IMO.
And, "The damn thing feels like a tweed coat stuffed with sawdust anyway." I like the analogy, but I had to read it twice before I got it, because of the syntax. As in, oh - you aren't sitting on the couch, but you don't want to be anyway, because it feels like a tweed coat...
"I stopped wasting time..." also rang false to me as well, since we obviously are spending time with this person.
posted
Actually, the narrator isn't a dog, but that is pretty funny...might have even made for a good story on it's own (sounds like Jack London during a hang over...). As a pet lover, I can easily see my cat looking up at me and thinking, Hey, loser, I don't remember authorizing you to be gone ALL weekend... I really apologize about the whole "you-don't-know-who-the narrator-is" thing. From the comments I have already gotten, there are several things I need to change. I'll post the second version in a little while.
By the way, Snowman, thanks for the great comments you sent!
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