posted
By the time I get around to revamping this section, I might be an old man. These are 13 lines taken from the middle of Chapter 14. Here there is a section break, and then I try my feeble hand at third person, present tense. ---------------------------------- A dark evening sky gives little light to the musty forest. He walks among trees ancient and ominous. Moonlight reveals brown leaves rattling as the wind passes through them. He hears what he takes for footsteps behind him, turns and sees nothing.
Yet the sound of steps remains. He is paralyzed in fear until he observes that it is merely a stiff breeze pushing dead leaves. He watches as the leave scuffle along the ground at regular intervals. He laughs, to relieve tension and anxiety, not because he finds humor in it.
He matches his footsteps to the beat of dead leaves through a forest that does not care. He senses a destination beckoning him and heeds its perilous call.
posted
Not bad, actually, but could use touching up.
quote:A dark evening sky gives little light to the musty forest. He walks among trees ancient and ominous.
I know this sounds picky, but the sky is not a source of light. Perhaps what you mean is that the moonlight is weak under the canopy of the trees. Also, what is it, exactly, about the trees that makes them ancient? Are they just postitively enormous? I think describing them that way would help your reader imagine a scene with more of an emotional charge. Exactly how are they ominous? Are they doing something or do they look a certain way that frightens the character?
quote:He hears what he takes for footsteps behind him, turns and sees nothing.
Comma after "turns."
quote:He laughs, to relieve tension and anxiety, not because he finds humor in it.
I think it would be better if you described how he laughed, and let your reader infer his nervousness.
quote:He matches his footsteps to the beat of dead leaves through a forest that does not care. He senses a destination beckoning him and heeds its perilous call.
How do we know it's perilous? He just seems scared of nothing. And if it really is perilous, then why on earth would he go? Is he powerless to resist? We don't know. And what does the forest not care about?
I think this could be a really great scene; it has classically great spooky elements in it that never fail in story after story (at least for me, anyway). Keep working on it, and you'll have a nice little gem.
quote:I know this sounds picky, but the sky is not a source of light.
Whoa, Magic! I beg to differ.
Before the sun rises or as it is setting, a cloudy sky can reflect or diffuse sunlight and serve (briefly) as a source of light. I see that almost every morning as I play catch with my sons before they get on the bus.
quote:A dark evening sky gives little light to the musty forest. He walks among trees ancient and ominous. Moonlight reveals brown leaves rattling as the wind passes through them.
And isn't Chris making it clear that it is the moonlight that is lighting the scene? I think I would be more concerned about stating the obvious; a dark sky gives little light. This is a null sentence that is not really necessary to move the scene forward, UNLESS it is important that it is evening.
posted
<Is he powerless to resist? We don't know.>
I guess that is kind a the problem with me posting 13 lines from the middle of a chapter.
I am hoping the reader is able to gauge this before this shift. The POV character is watching the story unfold from two points of view, from himself, and on another level from outside himself.
On one level he has no idea what is about to happen, on another level he has premonitions of what is in store for him.
On one level it is a dream, but then in this story, dreams are simply temporary planes of existance, so it's very real.
The pronoun problem stems from that, during this section, the character does not know his own name.
I disagree with this advice. The sentence in question is a list of three actions, therefore the comma is optional and entirely a matter of personal (and/or editorial) preference.
Other than that, what everyone else said.
quote:The pronoun problem stems from that, during this section, the character does not know his own name.
You could let him have a descriptive one of some kind, even if it's just "the man".
posted
Comma lists are always an issue, aren't they? Unless the list items on either side of the word "and" are meant to be paired with each other (e.g., peanut butter and jelly), I was taught that a comma before the word "and" delineates that the words on each side of the "and" are not paired but individual items/words. And while either usage is correct, commas before the "and" seems to be the usage in the majority of published works I've read.
If you publish the story, you'll put the comma where your editor tells you to!
posted
Alas, only of late have I learn the value of paying attention in High School English. I loved literature, but hated grammar. And now, I am suffering for it.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited October 21, 2004).]
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