Interesting stuff you have here. It suffers from being too thick at points. Some would argue that the flashback is a bit of a cliche -- I might agree, but if it is far enough in the book that it is a pivitol moment, I probably would be too engrossed to care much.Upon the urn, the etched bear prowled a tarnished silver jungle. I imagined a power slept within, akin to a faint pulsation. The urn felt cool, too cool. It gave me the willies.
Quote: Upon the urn, the etched bear prowled a tarnished silver jungle.
"Upon the urn," a nice prepositional phrase, is a fairly heavy way to start a sentence; yes, it works fine -- but is a drag on the mind. Combined with the rest of the sentence, I become weary.
HOWEVER, if the urn is described elsewhere, as it surely is, then the issue is much less important. Either way, the phrase "tarnished silver jungle" is heavy. "Tarnished" also has a vague target.
Quote: I imagined a power slept within, akin to a faint pulsation.
The wording, while logical, confuzles me. I imagined that a power slept within it, akin to a faint pulsation. Also, I'm not sure what the part about the pulsation is.
Quote: My vertigo lessened, but my right arm itched and burned.
Quick tense lesson: My vertigo lessened = happens right then. My vertigo had lessened = means that it had happened earlier, and was now being realized.
I think you mean the second here.
My vertigo had lessened
Quote: Queasiness curbed my appetite
Is this person eating? If not, then what does this mean? What is it doing here?
Quote: and a migraine assaulted my head
Again, this means that the migraine assaults RIGHT at the moment. For instance, I bent down to pick the pen up when a migraine assaulted my head.
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