posted
Here's the first thirteen of something I've been working on as a break from my WIP. I realized today that it's a second WIP, so I'm submitting it for your always-valuable insights.
This, Jeremy thought for the hundredth time in fifteen minutes, is a bad idea. The determined set of James’s shoulders, clearly visible thirty carefully measured yards away above the sheet of compress board held in front of his chest, confirmed Jeremy’s apprehension. Not that Jeremy had anything against determinedly set shoulders as a general matter—in point of fact he rather admired them—but the last time Jeremy saw James’s shoulders announce this particular level of determination was about two seconds prior to an attack so fierce that Jeremy had been forced to employ the cordless phone as a weapon in self-defense. Jeremy had negotiated peace only by promising 1) to never again to ask any of James’s girlfriends what they were wearing over the phone; and 2) to promptly dislodge the phone antenna from James's face. James still sported the scar on the underside of his chin. Steve, standing with his toes on the firing line chalked onto the lawn, waved the Ruger 10/22 rifle over his head to capture James’s attention. “Ready?” Steve yelled, his voice resonant with its unique undertones of amusement and nervousness that, when taken together, created a universal sense of distrust and apprehension in the listener. “And what’s the bet?” “Ready,” James yelled back with the gruff jubilance that Jeremy had through experience come to associate with imminent pathological recklessness. “Twenty bucks!” “Okay,” Steve shouted. He brought the rifle down to firing position.
[This message has been edited by J (edited December 05, 2004).]
posted
I found it confusing. Where are they? I can't picture the setting, and had to read several times to pick up the lawn thing. Two of your characters start with the same first letter, and I'm having trouble distinguishing them apart. How old are they? I figured they're most likely adults, since a rifle is involved, the cordless phone and the girlfriend thing makes me think teenagers.
posted
Ditto to what Tess had to say, although probably with less concern (I assume that the bad idea is the bet/contest, and that its nature will become plain within the next few lines). I would change the name of one of your Js (unless you happen to like the letter J , or there is an important reason for leaving the names, like their being identical twins).
How long is this? I like the feel (it sounds disturbingly familiar), and might be willing to read more if it is ready.
posted
Ditto Minister. I like the feel as well, especially the bit with the cordless phone.
I'm one of those people who really don't care much about setting. I know, I know, it helps to have a good image of what's happening, and there are times when that's important, but I really don't think it's crucially important to the beginning. What's most important are the characters and you've done a wonderful job of displaying them.
I agree about the J's though. It distracted me.
I also agree that this style feels familiar somehow.
posted
I just wanted to say publicly that this piece is one of the most generally fun pieces I've read off this forum. Good work, J.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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, or there is an important reason for leaving the names, like their being identical twins).
