posted
Having a little trouble smoothing out the new Prologue to my NaNo 2004 project, now in rewrite, a heroic fantasy with epic-ish leanings. It's just a tad over four pages, a bit under 1K words.
I'd like some folks to read it over and see if it's getting there yet. _______________
Djian paused to consider the bloodstained sand, still wet enough that it had formed into sticky, gritty balls as he toiled to smooth the surface of the training pad with his crude rake. With a sigh, he leaned the rake against the wall and squatted on his heels in the sparse shade to wait for the blistering summer sun to finish its work drying Rafal’s blood so he could finish his. He wiped the sweat from his face with the sleeve of his light cotton work tunic.
Djian had not known Rafal well at all. Not well enough, really, to feel pain at the thought of his death. And yet the death of Rafal did sadden Djian. It was such a waste for a senior novice to lose his life after all those years of hard work and training. And especially so close to realizing his life’s dream: initiation into the knighthood. _______________
I have a tendency to run-on, so I'm already resigned to taking a paring knife to the prose and chop it into less unwieldy sentences. I'm mostly looking for whether or not I'm getting across the mood I'm hoping for.
Thanks in advance.
[This message has been edited by Warbric (edited February 11, 2005).]
Go at it with bare blades, please. If the style is in the way of the story, I need to know. If the (bad) grammar is killing the mood, let me have it. If it sucks, I want to hear it from Hatrackers first.
posted
>...wait for the blistering summer sun to finish its work drying Rafal’s blood so he could finish his.
First time through, I thought he wanted to finish his blood. Now I get that it's his work.
Why is he raking bloody sand? I never did get why.
I'd strike "Djian had not known Rafal well at all. Not well enough, really, to feel pain at the thought of his death. And yet the death of Rafal did sadden Djian." The rest of the paragraph makes clear that Djian is saddened, but not by much.
I'm neither hooked nor bored, but somewhere between. Somebody got killed, so that's interesting, OTOH it's someone Djian doesn't care about much, so it's less interesting. Maybe make Rafal a friend. Or make him shaken in some other way, just as many of us were shaken on 9/11 even if we knew no one personally who was hurt.
posted
Thanks for the comments. All good points. I think HSO and Beth are going to weigh in similarly after reading the full text. I'll give some thought to creating more of a sense of camaraderie between the novices like Djian and the late Rafal, despite their all being each other's rivals.
Djian cares no more and no less than had any of the other Senior Novices died in Rafal's place. It is the fact that someone had come that far and through that much to arrive on the eve of the end and the prize, but he failed and died instead, that saddens Djian. I know that, of course, but you've shown me it's not clear enough that any reader will necessarily get it.
Why is he raking bloody sand? For the same reason a trainee soldier who does not smoke picks up cigarette butts on police call: it is an assigned detail, a fatigue duty, a chore. I reckon that fails to come through well enough, too.
Lots more work to do. Lots more.
[This message has been edited by Warbric (edited February 12, 2005).]
posted
More to the point, this is actually an important task, so that novices can learn footwork in a situation where they don't have to worry about an uneven or slick surface. Learn to walk before you run and all that.
I think that in the case of some of your prose, the problem isn't that you run on but that you try to cram two ideas into a single sentence (which sounds the same but isn't). Take this for an example.
"With a sigh, he leaned the rake against the wall and squatted on his heels in the sparse shade to wait for the blistering summer sun to finish its work drying Rafal’s blood so he could finish his."
This is four or five ideas crammed into one sentance, and the structure just can't take it. You end up cutting the phrase "work of smoothing out the sand" to shorten the cumbersome sentance, but all that does is make the concept unclear. You might have to hack elsewhere, but I think that this is not the place, you've probably already cut too much of the sense out of this opening.
I see Dijian as an older member of the peasent/serving class, with an unusual perspective on the warrior/noble class due to his rather unique job of helping with the necessary scut-work involved in training. I think it's an interesting position in and of itself, and potentially a good role for the prologue character.
posted
Point taken, Survivor. Smack me in the head like my BCT drill sergeant did and shout "If you know it's your problem, why ain't you fixing it?" He's right. You're right. I have to fix it.
Yes, you're quite close to the situation regarding our boy, Djian. Like all knight novices training here, he is a commoner and an orphan, and even having been totally steeped in a martial-monastic environment during his formative years will not fully strip what you sense from him. Or so I see him as his story unfolds anyway. That's the trick, eh?
Putting it in the mail now. Thanks for offering to read it.
posted
To take another stand from previous comments, I like long sentences and I LIKE your first paragraph...except I think you need something after "...so he could do his." I think that would be a good place to clarify what his task is. And I think, as Survivor points out, you could put in a bit about how this mundane task is actually important.
I also don't mind that Djian is apathetic about the death of this older person. It may or may not be you want him apathetic. Sometimes warriors have to be such. Making him apathetic makes him more believable to me as a man who fights for a living. It also allows him to develop as a character. For instance, through further experiences he learns to break his apathetic shell and discard it for deeper relationships. A character doesn't always have to be everything he can or should be at the beginning of a story, does he?
[This message has been edited by Rocklover (edited February 12, 2005).]
Yes, Djian's rigid training and singleminded pursuit of the goal of knighthood has hardened him such that he sees Rafal as a failure, his death as a consequence of some weakness on Rafal's part, and nothing over which he needs shed a tear.
He will soon meet someone who will put a mirror to his soul and show him lacking, another who will destroy all that he has known, and yet another who will give him hope but call into question what is truly valuable in life. The boy thinks Master Tillio is a tough taskmaster, and that the initiation to come is the end of a sentence and the key to a new life, but he's in for a rude awakening.
The problem is that the Prologue I've written does nothing to make that clear to my readers. I have to go back and retool this thing and probably from a completely different POV character, as I mentioned in an email to HSO after reading his critique.
This prologue simply doesn't do what I wanted it to do, I think. Some, like Survivor and Rocklover get from it some of what I was reaching for, but I still feel it's not serving the story as well as I wanted.
posted
Just a clarification, possibly unnecessary: I did get what you were aiming for. Apologies if that wasn't clear in my critique. I simply felt that you could weave it in amongst the conflict with the old monk, rather than several pages of introspection on recently transpired events before meeting the old man right at the end of the prologue. But this may be a flawed opinion...
I don't really know if your idea of using a new POV will get your intent across the way you'd like. It might do just that. Yet, that's why I suggested getting a second opinion, maybe even a third, regarding this. But when it comes down to it, only you can decide what's best for your story. If the new POV works, and it does all that you want it to do, then by all means... do it.
posted
Nah, apologies need be from me, HSO. You DID have the right handle, and I didn't give you credit for that and for getting me to start thinking I could do more from a different perspective -- not that you told me to do that, it's just that I arrived at that conclusion on my own from some of your comments. It's all cool.
You're right. It will ultimately have to be my decision, but having others like you read it and critique helps immensely. I'm not in LOVE with my writing, but I DO like it enough to unconsciously ignore its flaws. I'm learning what I do wrong from all of you here and couldn't PAY enough for access to as much collective expertise as is here at Hatrack.
Thanks to you all for reading and commenting. It's the story I have to get out of my system, so I'm trying to get it done. If it rots in a bureau drawer until Kingdom Come after I write it, then at least I wrote it and got it out of the way, right?
posted
It sounds as if you're planning to change the prologue significantly - do you still want me to read the version I have? I read through it once quickly, but wanted to go through it carefully. If you're changing everything, I can just wait until the next version.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Yes, I'd still value your comments on the current version. Since the same two characters will be in the new version, I still care about your take on them and the situation. I'm of the opinion that the situation itself will not be changed TOO drastically just because we're going to be inside Tillio's head instead of Djian's, and so your thoughts on their interplay may help me to better shape the final form of it.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I'm wondering if they are martial artists (kung fu, karate, etc.) or "knights" complete with armor and chain mail. If they are martial artists (kung fu, karate, etc.), I'd be interested in reading more. I don't really like "knights" much anymore. They have been so romanticized. But if you are going to get nitty-gritty and do some good research-based scenes on knights and their weapons, techniques, I might become interested.
Regardless, I like the opening, it gets my attention. I like the character. For me a good character with a unique viewpoint is a big part of any stories appeal.
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