posted
~7.8k word SF story. Any volunteers? If you don't want to read the whole thing, that's cool too, how's about some feedback on the first thirteen? _______________________________________ He could not run faster.
His lungs burned, but the pain helped drown out the hummingbird rhythm of his heart. Just remember to exhale, he thought, just breathe. There was fear, he could taste it on the tip of his tongue -- creeping, stalking, reaching, caressing his mind for attention. But his will was strong and he would not allow it to consume him. Fear makes you clumsy, and this is no time for tripping on shoelaces.
Both legs were on the verge of spastically imploding into a knot of muscle. Still he pushed harder. A twitch in his left calf forced him to change stride. I should have done a longer warm up, damn it, I had the energy, why didn’t I stretch out better? Just breathe. _______________________________________
I purposely did not name the character in the first scene, but I'm not sure if that is a mistake or not.
posted
Again, strong inner monologue and imagery, but unlike your other piece, I start to loose interest because I don't know why he is running. Using thirteen lines to describe a physical action without a motivation is alot of page space, especially when it is your opening.
Most readers will know what it is like to run hard and feel the body start to give way so you shouldn't have to spend a lot of time with the description of the action to get them to relate, but the reasons for that action can be infinite. Give me a little why with the all that what.
Ryan-- you make a good point. This was part of my concern. However, the way I went about it is, basically, the character is not thinking about why he is running, he is concentrating on the movement of his muscles, on fighting fear, on getting away from whatever it is he's trying to escape. With the imagery I'm trying to comunicate the urgency of the situation.
Now, having said that, the fact remains that you, the reader,have lost interest, thus I need a sentence or phrase in there that keeps your interest.
Do you think I ought to keep what I have and add a phrase that tells you the why, or do you think I should cut out the description alltogether -- just state that he's running and why, and move on?
[This message has been edited by Shi Magadan (edited February 08, 2005).]
posted
Honestly, I could go either way with the amount of detail. It works well with the first person POV, but it depends on who your audience is. If, like your other piece, this one is for submission with a word cap I would cut some of the detail to make room, otherwise, I'd keep it all and give it a line of motivation somewhere to keep the reader running with you.
[This message has been edited by Ryan Brotman (edited February 08, 2005).]
posted
Yeah, the other piece was first person, I felt confident writing that character in first. But with this piece I'm going for 3rd limited and good amount of inner dialogue. I'm used to just italicizing the inner dialog, but here I'm working on incorporating it into the narative.
Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2004
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Also, just because "he" doesn't dwell on what he's running from, that doesn't mean that you can't mention it at least once.
If he's really running that hard, then he doesn't have time to subvocalize thoughts, meaning you shouldn't have mental quotes like that. There is also the problem that whatever urgency you're trying to communicate with the rest of the piece is pretty much lost when you have him state that he had plenty of time and energy to warm-up and stretch out before.
But I do think he'd have an inner dialouge going even though he is running quite hard.
He mentions that he had oppurtunity to stretch and warm up, but that's because there is a border involved, and once you cross it, you pretty much screwed, thus he would be doing the warm up on the "safe" side of the border. This becomes evident after the first scene.
Also, by not mentioning why he's running I thought I'd keep the reader wondering, and thus keep them reading. The reason he's running is revealed in the next scene, about three short paragraphs away.
So, Survivor, when you were reading it, did it make you want to keep reading in order to find out why he's running, or did it just annoy you?
posted
Is this any better? ___________________________________________ Misha could not run faster.
The desire to turn his head for a glimpse was mesmerizing. But he resisted for the last 700 meters, more than half the sprint and he could resist it still. The presence at his back was gaining; he could feel it at his heals. He could taste it in his mind -- creeping, stalking, reaching, caressing for attention.
Just a quick glimpse, he heard it whisper to his soul, see how close I am, see what little hope you have.
Breathe, he thought, just breathe, and the whispers left his mind. Misha heard the stories, he wasn’t sure what to believe, but at a time like this you believe anything and everything. Seeing the creature, they had told him,... _________________________________________
posted
Shi, I'll give your story a look through if you'd like. You've done a few of mine and I'd like to return the favor.
I do however question your use of "desire [...] was mesmerizing". Not to be completely pedantic, but I don't think mesmerizing is the right word... mesmerize means "enthralled by" maybe even trance-like. "Irresistible", I feel, would be a better choice.
posted
Yeah, I know what you mean by, "mesmerizing" may not be a good word. I did not want to use irrisistable, because he resists it afterall. And he is somewhat bewitched/enchanted/mesmerized by the creature chasing him...
So, yeah, I'm not sure how to implicitely include that without using "mesmerizing" and without going into a big explanation.
posted
That opening line is a bit weak. I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish with it, so I don't have any solid suggestions. But something that set the scene a bit better and gave us some idea of why he's running might work. "Misha ran across[ground]/towards[goal]/from[pursuer] [adverbal phrase]...." Just so that we have a general context right off the bat.
I agree that "mesmerizing" is a bit off. You also have an apparent tense problem, it should probably be "he'd" (he had) resisted...." Some other nits, like "heals" and another simple past rather than past perfect error.
The solution is to give the reader some idea of the general nature of what is happening right from the start. If we already know that the things chasing him have supernatural/psionic abilities, then you don't need to waste time explaining that the urge to look over his shoulder is really coming from outside his own mind. If we know what he's crossing, then it doesn't take too much explanation that there is a fixed distance and a goal. Same with the goal, and other things.
If an opening inspires me with a desire to keep reading sufficient that I actually want to keep reading, I typically mention that.
posted
Is this any better, or am I still not getting it? _______________________________________
Misha had chosen a point of entry into the forbidden territory where he knew he had a straight shot at the flower. The tracer reading happened to coincide with the crumbling stone wall, thus giving him a visual cue for the otherwise invisible border.
It was a simple plan, even for a twelve year old boy. Get in, snap the capsule shut around the flower -- thus severing it from the stem -- and get the hell out. Misha knew it wasn’t a particularly great plan, but he decided minimalism is a virtue and went with it. Besides, he had neither the time nor the resources for anything that might actually work.
His sister was dying; he had to act now. ___________________________________________
posted
Yes, much better. You got in a lot of info: POV character's name, strange circumstances, some sort of plan for getting a flower, reason he needs the flower, hints that some sort of danger is involved. For me these little details add up to a pretty good hook.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I think your latest rewrite is much stronger. I would say to get rid of the word "thus", it's rather archaic and you don't need it.
I would also think about rewriting the sentence that starts with "It was a simple plan"- having "it" right smack dab next to "Was" sounds very passive. Maybe change it sxomething like, "His plan seemed simple, even to his 12-year-old boy mind."
posted
Okay, thanks everyone for your comments, they've been extremely helpful, and thanks HSO and Gavin for reading the whole thing. I'll rewrite and see if I get any takers.
Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Yes. Much better. Even now, we could use extra information, but this is much more enticing than before. Good luck with the rewrite.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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The opening I liked best was: "Misha could not run faster . . ."
It gives us his motive for running and it's exciting. I didn't like #3 as well. I think it's because I can't really believe that stealing a flower will save a dying sister (since this has a feel of SF not fantasy, with its tracer and capsule). Also it feels like he's just mildly worried, but I liked terrified.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 13, 2005).]
quote:The opening I liked best was: "Misha could not run faster . . ."
It gives us his motive for running and it's exciting.
I disagree: How does this in anyway imply motive? (exciting I won't argue against.) It simply states what Misha cannot do, and makes us wonder what he actually can do. That this is a negative statement weakens it, in my opinion. Marginally better and slightly more positive would be: "Misha could run no faster."
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited February 13, 2005).]
The desire to turn his head for a glimpse was mesmerizing. But he resisted for the last 700 meters, more than half the sprint and he could resist it still. The presence at his back was gaining; he could feel it at his heals. He could taste it in his mind -- creeping, stalking, reaching, caressing for attention.
Just a quick glimpse, he heard it whisper to his soul, see how close I am, see what little hope you have.
Breathe, he thought, just breathe, and the whispers left his mind. Misha heard the stories, he wasn’t sure what to believe, but at a time like this you believe anything and everything. Seeing the creature, they had told him,...
The motive is that a creature is chasing him. Admittedly, the text does not explicitly say it will kill or eat him, but I think it's pretty clearly implied.
posted
Ah, I see... you were referring to the entire intro, whereas I took it as only that one line you quoted. Sorry about that. My bad.
(No offense, Shi, I know you've already changed your intro -- my comments that follow are based on the old version.)
Yes, there appears to be motive in that opening, but it turned out that the monster chasing Misha wasn't why he was running -- he was already running. The "monster" was mere incentive to "run faster." The scene really didn't take it much further than what you see at the beginning... we knew a monster was back there, and then it was for the most part forgotten about until the next scene. The rest of the scene dwelled on the actual sensation of running -- and we no idea until the second scene that the runner was a 12-year old boy.
The newer version clearly explains motive... rescuing his sister. Which is awesome, in my opinion, because he's just given us reason to want to read the whole story, using only a simple sentence. Will Misha succeed or not? Not only that, but we see the part of the plan right from the beginning, and we get some insight that this 12-year old boy is fairly well intelligent enough to know his plan is somewhat dodgy...
When Shi is ready to release his rewrite to us, I'll be somewhere near first in the queue to read it -- if he lets me -- based solely on these 13 lines.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited February 14, 2005).]
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