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Author Topic: Opening, again
Silver3
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Sorry to be such a bother, but I'm really having trouble with this one...I'm not looking for readers of the whole thing until I finish the final draft, but I've got a new version of the beginning. Does this work? It's for a fantasy story. Thanks in advance.

***
The lords of the underworld made me a ball of fire to play with, and laughed when I burnt myself trying to send it in the air. It was so hot I could not hold it in my hand; only strike it with my hips or my knees, and even then it seared me as if my clothes were nothing but air.

The rules were simple, or so the three lords had told me: send the ball through the hoop on the wall, and we will give you what you came for. And they had laughed without pity.

For the human shadows they had summoned to play against me, and which were flitting between the two parallel walls of the arena, did not seem affected in the least by the fire. The game was rigged; I should have known that the lords would never let a mere mortal defeat them. But my despair, which had carried me this far, led me to accept their mocking bargain. I had to bring my husband back to life.

[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited February 26, 2005).]


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Isaiah13
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I didn't actually comment on the original, but after taking a look at it just now, I can tell you that this version is much better. I definitely would have continued reading had there been more. I'm seeing a soccer reference on the third line. Perhaps something like:
...only strike it with my hips or my knees, like a soccer ball. I didn't dare try and head it.
I think that might give the opening paragraph a little more punch. I would also drop the 'for' on the human shadow sentence.
Overall, I like it.

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GZ
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This is much clearer than the first version you posted. I have a much better idea of what is going on, which makes it more engaging. It makes for a good hook.
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Beth
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I agree - this is a lot clearer.
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Minister
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It is indeed clearer, but it loses some of the flavor of the rest of the piece, I think. Probably tightening it up would help. There are several phrases that could likely be cut without harming the piece.

"It was so hot" can probably be removed (you say in that paragraph that the ball is "fire," that it "burnt" her, and that it "seared" her -- that's plenty of times to let us know it's hot); in fact, that entire sentence could be reworked to have more punch.

The first sentence of the second paragraph could be tightened as well to something like "The rules the three lords gave me were simple: send...." That one doesn't strike me as badly, because the way you have it fits the flavor of the rest of the piece okay.

The first sentence of the next paragraph could lose the entire "and which were flitting ... arena"; it really doesn't seem necessary, although others may think it helps with the setting. It could also lose "in the least." The rest of the paragraph doesn't make chronological sense. She "should have known" tells us that she didn't know. Yet the next sentence implies that she made her decision in spite of that knowledge. (It might just be me that reads it that way.) This could be fixed simply by saying "had led" (or even something stronger: "had forced," perhaps).

Anyhow, this is all terribly nitpicky and subjective. This version is a little catchier and clearer.


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Survivor
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Minister is right about the lost of some of the flavor, as well as the increase in clarity.

One thing that snagged my eye (bad) was "human shadows". I have no idea what that means, shadows that were/are humans or shadows of humans. Also, the syntax of that entire sentance doesn't compile. The use of the term "rigged" was clear enough, but a bad violation of your voice.

Distracting terms that don't match the flavor of the scene include: "play with", "so hot", "my clothes", "rules were simple", "hoop", "came for", "parallel walls", "seem affected", and "back to life." There were also some style issues to be addressed in the way you parse some of your sentances.

But again, it is an improvement.


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MaryRobinette
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I think I'm benefitting from not having read the original because none of the things Minister and Survivor complained about as distracting from tone bothered me. It was clear and evocative.
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