posted
Here's the first 13 of what I came up with for The First Line this time. I suspect it's way too dorky to actually send in but I'd like some opinions besides mine. Looking for a few readers for the whole thing. It's a short one, just under 500 words.
Please don't bark at me for the cliches; they're deliberate.
As the warrior guided her horse back home, she pondered what the future might hold. She hoped it would hold Chinese food. Miranda, Warrior Princess of Xor, had been battling the Forces of Evil for 8 long hours, with only half an hour break for lunch, and now she wanted egg rolls. She kicked the horse with her heels, and it broke into a faster gallop, and her long ebony hair streamed out behind her like a banner. Her mouth was watering. Sesame chicken, maybe.
The forest was dangerous under the best of circumstances. Any traveler could be set upon by brigands or trolls or worse. Miranda was safer than most, because of her extraordinary skill with a blade and her unparalleled cunning. But even she would not be safe if she lingered in the forest after dark. Already the light was growing dim and murky. Another ten minutes, she guessed, and the path would be totally dark, and she would be vulnerable to attack from the dreadful creatures of the dark. She barely had enough time to get safely out of the forest.
posted
cool, thanks! I'm going to make a few changes based on what I've gotten back so far, and send that version out to Mary and anyone else who wants to take a look. Apparently it is worth bothering with, so I shall proceed to bother.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
|
posted
Him, so that use of "his" in Mary's version was her own fault somehow? Shameful
500 words, huh? I'll try it on. I'm nitting you on "Chinese food", though. That's worse than giving her a notebook computer...though letting her look up her possible mealtime destinations on a high speed internet connection might actually work
posted
"Chinese food" indicates a scale too large to fit in a typical fantasy milieu, particularly one in which people travel by horse. Using a horse, you would have very little chance of riding from somewhere that didn't have Chinese food to someplace that did have it. Either everyone eats it, or no one does. If you were to scale it back by saying "Shang-hai style cuisine" or something, that would make sense.
The alternative is to make your fantasy world clearly atypical, hence the notebook with a high speed wireless connection (or, you know, whatever).
posted
Hi. I'll read it. Bit worried about how the egg rolls / chinese food fits in & whether it continues through the rest of the story. Would like to find out.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
