posted
Okay, here it is -- my conudrum, my quandary. Which opening do you prefer and why?
---------- Cecil Blake, the Blade, all around scoundrel and pirate extraordinaire, sat in his observation lounge staring at the binary stars of the 44 (i) Boötis system. Staying close to the stars helped mask the signature of his ship, allowing him and his pirates to ambush science ships and tourist cruisers making runs from the nearby Calton space station. Things had been slow in the last few weeks and the pirates were growing desperate.
“Another day like this and we’ll have to go to Calton for food,” mused the Blade. He hated the idea. Raiding the station was risky at best and suicide at worst. Too many ships, too much fire power.
Not that his ship wasn’t fast or powerful; she could take down a premiere class starship, as long as the energy weapons were fully charged.
--------
“Well we can’t turn back now. The Kid is short on fuel, and supplies are short all around; we wouldn’t make it through another spacefold. I don’t think we have any choice, we have to split the stars and make the run for Calton station. You know what they say the shortest path between two points is a straight line,” said Captain Sheila Michaels of the cruiser Billy the Kid.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” asked Captain Tarquin Cartier, of the Wild Bill. “Calton sent us reports of a pirate ship on the other side of the binarys. The Boötis stars move pretty fast and eclipse each other every three hours; we can only get one ship at a time over the gravitational bridge and through to the other side. Alone, none of our ships are equipped to defend against one of those tricky troll ships. Even the Buffalo Bill can’t match the maneuverability and fire power of a troll, and it’s a premiere class starship!”
Number one introduced a character. It gave him a personality and a problem (even if it is one I don't entirely sympathize with as he is a pirate).
Number two gave me an info dump. It did it in the form of dialogue, without introducing any real character for me to care for. The dialogue seemed to drag on, too, and my eyes kind of crossed and I had to read it twice.
posted
Number one... it just had a better flow than the "info dump" that the dialogue gave in two... but I think you should still keep some of the dialogue from two... but since that will be past 13 lines, you're just gonna have to tell us about it later...
Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Number one, for the reasons that Christine and Raven Starr already mentioned.
I'll also add that "all around scoundrel and pirate extraordinaire" has such a melodramatic flair that I expect some comedy to follow. Not guffaws, but I expect a light-hearted, slightly tongue-in-cheek tale.
posted
I like the first one. I really like the interior "voice" of Cecil. I think it's a great opening. You establish a character, a sense of time and place, and an upcoming conflict (will they have to go up against the Calton space station?). It was perfect. Posts: 225 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
The first one. It lacks the info dump qualities that have been mentioned by others, yet I still have a better sense of what is going on.
Posts: 652 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Thanks again. ----------- All righty then... By going with opening #1 (Sorry RS, option 3 didn't work ), I have had to cut 500+ words from the very beginning of the story. I've read over everything and I think it all still makes sense, but I'm not trusting myself since I'm probably sub-consciously filling in the blanks.
Can I get any takers to do a read through for me? All I really want to know is if it makes sense in the new form or if it feels like there is some missing information.
posted
I will accept the 2330 words. I am not sure that you want to dump the first 500 words yet. Maybe they can be rewritten or folded into the following paragraphs.
Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I've read the old version, so I don't know that my eyes would be helpful here. But if you think they would, I'd be happy to read it. Let's see if we can get another goat story sold.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
This story is much better than the first few line indicated. I could see it being printed in something like The Weekly Reader,
Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2005
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