posted
This is just a little something I whipped up for fun, I have no intention of it being published, I just want some opinions.
Why God Doesn't Exist
The nonsensical random violence still confuses me even today. The apparent horror of it all escapes me, but what really sticks with me is the bizarre acts of human injustice that took place. Before it happened I had always had this assumption that the world operated upon a sense of natural justice. I always felt that goodness and benevolence begot joy and rewards and conversely evil and malevolence begot punishment and misfortune. Suddenly, on June 16th, 2003, an epiphany struck me that destroyed that aforementioned assumption and unveiled the truly completely unfair nature of the world.
I’ve always been a reasonable individual. I’m compliant with the law, I pay my taxes, I throw my vote this way or the other as necessary, I keep my pornography securely under my bed away from my kids, and in general I’m a goodly natured person. Hungry, and interested in haste, I entered into my local McDonald’s. All these years later my analysis has never been able to label this as a sin or some kind of injustice against humanity. I went to McDonald’s, nothing could ever be more innocent.
[This message has been edited by (edited May 13, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 13, 2004).]
posted
This is why I'm opposed to people titling their thread "My first 13" or anything like that. Someone always gets the idea that it is a voluntary limitation.
And while a completely blank user name isn't specifically addressed by the phrase, "please use only letters and numbers"....
Okay, fine. Opinions. Ah, it's a bit labored, and yet strangely devoid of over the top satire. Still, funny for all of that. If you threw the reader a few clues to what you're doing earlier in the text, it would work better. I'm thinking of some of those Onion Point/Counterpoint bits and the Opinion pieces (by the way, if anyone knows how to get to the archived material, please let me know, the old links have been removed and the Onion gets boring pretty quick if you can't get those olden goldies). Like that one where the serial murderer is talking about how it's nice to be wanted in eight states, and it gives him a heartwarming glow to think that all those public servents want to know who he is and what he's doing right now, that's the example I'd use, but I don't know how to get it anymore. Idiot Onion ruiners.
Also, at the close, your character sort of runs out of steam. That is counter to your purpose. Yes, you want to let us know that this guy might not be in touch with reality in any meaningful way...but letting him realize that isn't the best way to get your message across (unless you go on to a tangential and highly suspect solipsist argument about being trapped in the Matrix or something like that...that would be good). Usually, people disconnected from reality show it by blandly believing things that just don't make any sense. "Yeah, I know that Micky Dee's makes their burgers using forest imps for both slave labor and meat, but who likes those creepy little imps?" Okay, you might prefer to use aliens beaming messages about local politics into your guy's mind, whatever (one thing to remember about schizophrenics, they aren't trying to be creative, so they usually aren't).
posted
The premise sounds interesting. But I found myself becoming completely disinterested in what was coming, simply because you set up for something really juicy (pardon the body fluids cross-ref), then take so long to get to it. I was interested in the first prg, OK with the second, struggling through the third, bored out of my skull through the fourth. It might help to make the first paragraph the fourth, but there is also a lot of repetition of essentially the same feelings, opinions, expressed before you get to what the story is about.
Posts: 1672 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I liked it, not so much the blood and guts bits, but the wrap up with the pickles! I did not get pickles on my burger therefore God does not exist. I also like the fact that a cheeseburger is more of an exaggeration than fries! It could be pulled together more, with less repetition. Actually the last paragraph is the best in terms of what you are trying to get across here.
Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2004
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posted
Too bad this is such an old post! I would like to have know what pickles and fries have to do with the "natural justice" (or lack thereof) of the world!
Posts: 150 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Void must be very bored to be digging up year old posts.
But I actually hope all the newbies take a look at it. Because this is a fine example of what often happens to newbies. They post one or two things then disappear.
posted
Yeah, but this particular member never even had a name (well, maybe it depends on your language settings). I think that most new members are a little more commited than that, at least.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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