posted
I'm very new at writing stories so good advice is greatly appreciated. This is a short story I'm writing for practice.
Laine was watching the man in amazement. In all his years of scouting, he’d never seen a man lift 200 pounds of scrap metal at once.
“He must be a genius. What’s his intelligence level?” Laine asked.
“He’s a level 28. You should see him when he gets his brain fully working. He woke up a couple of hours ago so he's still pretty tired,” said the foreman.
Laine watched the scrawny man concentrate on the next pile of metal. He shuddered at how steadily he floated the metal to the top of the building. ------ I didn't get to explain the ability yet, but how does it sound so far? Does it sound like a good idea? Thanks.
[This message has been edited by JaimeB (edited June 20, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by JaimeB (edited June 21, 2005).]
posted
Well, I don't see anything imediatly wrong with it. I understood what was going on--I think. Some guy who can move stuff with his brain, right? Not anything new, but with the right spin any story can be a good idea.
One thing that jumped out, just a nit-pick:"He’s a level 28. You should see him WHEN he gets his brain fully working. He woke up a couple of hours ago so his brain is still pretty tired." I wouldn't say brain the second time. Just, "...he's still pretty tired." would do it.
posted
I fixed the missing word, thanks. "Some guy who can move stuff with his brain, right?" That's kind of not it. In another 10 or so lines I explained it much more clearly, can I post that? Or is it too much?
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Ok. The only thing I wanted to clear up was that the point of this is that the whole world now has this ability, thanks to evolution. The only difference is that this man does it exceptionally well, because he's smart. Anyways, to those who volunteered to read it, should I send it to you in email? What's your email addresses? There's not that much more that I wrote out yet, though.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Hey, it was good enough to grasp my attention. There was one thing that I don't think anyone's mentioned yet, and that's the beginning of your second sentence: "In all of his years of scouting". I think the fluency would be much better if you took out the first "of", but kept the second. That way it's less repetitive and more smooth.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
It has a fun twist to it, eh? You start by saying a talent scout finds it extraordinary for a man to lift 200 lbs. at once, which sets off an alarm. Then you switch it around by mentioning that the man is doing it through the use of his intellect.
While it isn't quite clear that everyone in the world can do similar things (probably at least some people can't, that's just the nature of things), it is perfectly clear that it is an accepted and measurable ability, this man simply excels at it.
On the other hand, I would need to see some serious justification to know why an unusually intelligent man was using his intellect to move scrap metal 200 lbs. at a time. I use mine to move ten times as much, and can move an almost unlimited quantity if I put my mind to it.
Alternatively, if the story is a parable of sorts, it could work to illustrate how sometimes what we imagine to be an advance would actually be an enormous setback.
posted
The twist was actually interesting how it came out. Originally, I was just sort of planning out how the story would go. After rereading it, I realized that it's not immediately clear that the man is doing this with his mind, and the reader figures it out only a couple sentences later. I liked it, so I kept it.
As for why he's using his intelligence for lifting metal, I was trying to show that he's on a construction site. He's using his intelligence to make alot of money working on construction sites and other things that require heavy lifting. Should I raise the 200 lbs. to a higher number to make it seem more useful? Thanks alot for your help.
posted
Hi Jamie. I like the concept so far & would like to give this a read if you wouldn't mind.
I have a few comments for you to consider...
I'm not too keen on it not being 100% clear that the guy is using his mind to lift the metal in the first place. Dont hold back information, or unnecessarily confuse the reader with stuff like that unless it is key to a plot twist, and even then, you have to have the clues in there upfront (see some other topic in writing discussions).
Therefore I suggest you use the word 'elevate' or something other than 'lift'.
Additionally, my attention was called to a possible slight tense problem right at the beginning.
You start off with 'Laine was watching' which comes over as present tense. But then everything else is past tense. So I think you should start with 'Laine watched'. Or maybe some word that is a bit more unusual. Maybe 'observed' might fit better because its more like he is assessing the guys skills than just any normal passer by who was casually taking in the spectacle.
1 more thing, seeing as I feel really picky. In the opening again, there is the phrase 'he'd never seen a man lift 200 pounds of scrap metal at once'. Does it really matter that it was scrap metal that was being lifted? Has he seen somebody lift 200 pounds of something else, but never scrap metal? It might do, I dont know seeing as I haven't read the whole thing. But maybe you could just use 'he'd never seen a man elevate anything as heavy as this 200 pounds of scrap metal.'
posted
That helps alot, I'm definitely going to use some of those changes. The tense problem is something I've had problems with before. I'll fix that. But using "observed" would make the sentence go "Laine observed the man in amazement" Does that sound right? The reason I chose scrap metal was because I was trying to show that he's on a construction site, which IS very key to the plot. I'm going to send it off to you, but first I'm going to try to write a little more since there's not much more after this. Thanks alot, benskia, that really helped.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Well, I don't know why he would be lifting scrap metal as opposed to something...useful.
And yes, if the guy is a genius, then he's definitely wasting his time using his intellect to lift stuff to the top of a building 200 lbs. at a time. It would be different if he were putting it in orbit or something like that, or if he were making the building by himself in a single day. The point is that just because an ability is impressive that doesn't mean it's very useful. This ability, despite being pretty impressive, is close to useless in the described situation. Any dimbulb smart enough to use a hoist can lift thousands of lbs. of something more useful than scrap, after all.
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