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FEEDBACK GREATLY DESIRED:: After living 92 years, the cold of winter doesn’t leave my bones until mid day in the height of summer . But, I am grateful to be able to feel the cold. It means I still have time. I take pen in hand to fulfill a promise I made to my Lessal. A promise that, before I come to meet her, I would tell my story, tell the truth about the legends, the truth about the man. Soon, the gate will open in the court yard, River, my trusted companion, will bark a welcome. Small feet will be heard running up the path through the door and into my arms burying my face in kisses and hugs. The shouts of “Grandpapa, tell me a story” will be heard. One look into that Lessal eyes, and all my defenses will be shattered. I will be forced to put the pen down and obey delaying the promises fulfillment. Many know the legend; how the man became hunted, the impossible shot that won not only the contest but the heart of a maid. They know how I met him and of our friendship. They know the names of some of the key players, but not all. They know how
[This message has been edited by bradford (edited July 06, 2005).]
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I'm mildly interested, but I'll tell you, I think stories generally do better without a preface. I'd start with the action.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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I'm somewhat interested. I'd probably read another 13 lines before I decide whether I'm hooked. I'd like to have my interest piqued a bit more.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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Bradford: * Sounds like a nice comfortable "told tale," a "gather round the hearth now children and I'll tell you a story" type story. This is an older form of storytelling (well, old as storytelling itself, probably), but still holds magic for me. If you're aiming for a wider audience, you might think about wbrigg's suggestion though. Jumping right into the action is certainly the order of the day for modern stuff. * I wouldn't refer to "the man." It makes me wonder if the guy is talking about himself or someone else. And certainly, if only he knows the legends about "the man" he also knows his name. So-- simple solution. Just give his name right off the bat. Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2005
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ok here's the last 13 will that hook you, or is it too contrite...
My Lessal made me promise to tell my story, so that the truth would always be there for our children. I have done that. They and their children, even their children’s children know the stories, but little Robert is not old enough to learn them, and I fear that before he can, I will be gone, the truth leaving with me. Little Lessal knows them all, but being 7 she my forget, so I feel the need to write while I can. I hear the gate opening and Rivers bark. Soon sunshine will fill this room and I will be forced to set this pen down. I have been known by several names, but only a few hold any meaning for me. I was born in a small village called Lyttle, and given the name of Jon by my father. My little Lessal calls me Grandpapa, My beloved Lessal called me, husband. Others, giant or fiend, but the one that fills me with pride, still bringing tears to my eyes, is simply this; Friend, of Robin of Locksley. I am Little John and this is my story.
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I liked the first opening better, but then I found the necessary information extractable.
Some nits on both, the two Lessals need to be more clearly distinguished. This shouldn't be too hard, since they have different relationships to the narrator, one is dead, and so on.
I think that you can safely disregard wb's advice to start with the story, since we already know (or think we know) the story. That's sort of the point. You might want to find a way to make it more clear that this is a Robin Hood story without making it too explicit, the latter attempt failed badly at both.
I think simply establishing the historical background of the story being told (the time before King Richard's return) in appropriate terms and giving Robin his proper titles (after King Richard's return ) would do well. You might throw in a word about the historical period from which the narrator is writing, if you feel like it is a useful context (Richard long dead (of a lucky shot with an arrow, iconically enough), Robin a legend, etc.).
That would make it clear enough that this is a story about Robin Hood, and that you're not trying to trick the reader or anything, but it would also highlight the unique perspective from which you're telling the story.
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I like this idea. It's not quite hooking...but it's workable. There's just not quite enough action but it's important to the story. I do want to read more to find out what better part Little John will play.
Here are some ideas just...stylistically:
"I will be forced to put the pen down and obey delaying the promises fulfillment."
Take out obey...keep it 'and delay fulfilling the promise.' It flows better and is less confusing.
"They know the names of some of the key players, but not all. They know how"
They know how...what?
"They and their children, even their children’s children know the stories, but little Robert is not old enough to learn them, and I fear that before he can, I will be gone, the truth leaving with me. Little Lessal knows them all, but being 7 she my forget, so I feel the need to write while I can."
I get caught on 'the truth leaving with me.' Try just dropping the 'leaving.' Also 'Little Lessal knows them all, but being' the word being tends to weaken a sentance. Maybe change it to at?
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) would do well. You might throw in a word about the historical period from which the narrator is writing, if you feel like it is a useful context (Richard long dead (of a lucky shot with an arrow, iconically enough), Robin a legend, etc.).
