quote:

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It would be fascinating to see you all re-write these segments now that you've learned a little more about writing.

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The original
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He was down there...I could tell it...moved fairly silently. For a human...almost under me...gotta time it right or I'm dead...now--flip down and hang from the waist..."I need to--" Blast! He's throwing something...drop and twist...farther than I thought...silence...It was his shield, it'll come back...roll and reach... this is gonna hurt...wrench it out of the air...pain--stand smoothly, don't show it...hand him the sheild now..."Is this yours?"

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I just stared at the cloaked figure who had managed to grab my sheild. From the voice it was female, hard to tell with the cloak. How in the world had she been able to move like that with a cloak...I reached out to take the offered shield...She let go of it easily, then pushed back her hood. large dark eyes dominated the finely molded face, she had a slightly elongated skull. Something about her nagged at the edge of my mind...She spoke again.

"Harlan Jamos?" A low voice, but not hard to hear.

I nodded.
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The rewrite
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He was down there. Kerelnie could tell from the faint scent of musk that overlay the smells of the city. Harlan Jamos moved silently, for a human. He was almost under the balcony Ker crouched on. She had to time it right or she was dead.

Now.

She flipped down to hang from the waist. "I need to--"

His weight shifted as he threw something at her--his crookstick. Ker dropped, twisting out of the way. It was farther than she thought and without the buoyancy of water, her weight fell heavily on the ground.

Above her, she heard the faint whistle in the air as the crookstick spun back along its path.

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Not brilliant, but a definite improvement. It's actually coherent now. In truth, if I were rewriting this I probably wouldn't start the story here. I'd back it up a couple of days to avoid the flashback that I had written only two pages in to the story. I was young! I didn't know better.