posted
This is a short story in progress. I'm just looking for some feedback on the beginning (first 13 lines, anyway). I've only written about 800 words for this so far.
Aeron squeezed his folded arms tighter around himself to fight off the cold. The thin blue medical gown he wore hung over his shoulders and hardly touched his otherwise naked body, though it touched the floor. It offered little protection against the freezing temperature of the octagonal hibernation chamber.
“Damn, it's cold in here,” he thought, watching his breath evaporate in the cold air. He shivered.
He looked at the hibernation unit being prepared for him by a priest and shivered again. “It’s gonna be colder in that God-awful thing,” he thought.
[This message has been edited by lerxster (edited September 05, 2005).]
posted
The one thing I wonder about is this - if your character is about to get in a really cold hibernation chamber, why is he wearing only a thin gown? I'd have on a parka! Otherwise, sounds fine so far. Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
You show us, then you tell us. The first paragraph is perfectly fine (though I'd prefer "reacher" rather than "touched" the floor - assuming he is standing up?). But then you give us his "thought speech" and it tells us exactly what you've already shown us. Get rid of it. It isn't needed for the second bit of thought-speech (and I wouldn't have it as speech at all, I'd just have "No matter how cold the chamber was, he knew the unit was going to be colder still" or some such line.
The "being prepared for him by the priest" didn't work for me, either. I think it needs to be more active - "He watched the priest preparing the hibernation unit". The presence of the priest intrigues, because I'd normally expoect some sort of medical technician to be doing that job.
posted
Quotation marks are for something that an external observer would have actually been able to percieve. It's an assertion that someone "really" said or wrote something. It's okay for you to tell us that, not only is it cold, but Aeron dislikes it. Just do so a bit differently.
Another minor nit, medical gowns don't touch the floor. This is for the same sanitary reasons that dictate the use of such gowns in the first place, it isn't a matter of fashion or anything.
I also had a bit of a hiccup reading "squeezed his folded arms tighter around himself". It took another pass for me to recognize the action being described.
Overall, it seems like an interesting beginning. You've got a good tension between the techno-medical aspects and the funereal elements, while making both seem relatively normal to the character. I don't know whether that's exactly what you were striving to do, but if so it works.
posted
Thank-you all so much for your feedback. I've reworked this beginning as per the suggestions so far.
Honestly, I wasn't confident about the 'squeezing folded arms' part. It's the best I could do. Do you know how you stand when you're out in the cold and you're using your arms held tight to your body while grasping your elbows? And then you squeeze your arms into your body to help warm yourself? I couldn't find another consise description of this action.
Should I post the reworked version in this thread when I have it finished?
Thanks again for your feedback.
[This message has been edited by lerxster (edited September 05, 2005).]
posted
Here is the revision work that I've done on this. I was able to add in a few lines because some of the suggestions helped me compress some of the wording.
Aeron embraced himself to fight off the cold. The thin blue medical gown he wore hung from his shoulders down to his ankles, though it hardly touched his otherwise naked body. It offered little protection against the freezing temperature of the octagonal hibernation unit storage room. He swore at the cold. His breath evaporated in the air as he shivered.
A priest manipulated a display panel causing a hibernation unit to slide gently and mechanically out of the wall. He shivered again. It’s gonna be colder in that God-awful thing, he thought.
He turned his eyes from the hibernation unit toward the bleak walls. His reflection off the silver mirror-like metal of the walls was almost perfectly discernable.
I'm very close to having the first part of this short story finished. If you're interested to read it, let me know.
posted
Hmm...some of the changes work, some are a bit odd. I think of "embrace" as a gentle action, not the kind of tense response the cold would evoke. I was also thrown for a loop by "almost perfectly discernable". To "discern" something means to see its general outline, shape, or essential attributes. It confused me when you used it with "almost" and "perfectly". I'd be more comfortable if you lost at least one of those words. Since the walls were mirror-like, I'd guess that "almost perfect" would be the phrase. "Almost discernable" would mean that he could almost make out his reflection, and "perfectly discernable" would mean that he could clearly identify his own reflection and distinguish it from the background.
Anyway, if you're ready for readers, I'll try it. One thing to clarify, how many parts does this story have, and how are you distinguishing them? Do you only mean the first scene, like up till Aeron goes under?
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Added the word medical before gown.
