posted
So, he thought to himself, it really does exist, it really does. He looked down from the cliff and down unto a vast unforgiving desert. Now he knew that his journey had not been in vain, but that he finally found it. He finally found the lost desert city of Sitnalta. Inside of its temple was the rock of Anthargram. Now it was time to begin the descent down the face of the cliff. The scorching sun burnt upon him, but he had pushed on the entire way. He WOULD get that stone. No bigger then the palm if his hand, but more powerful then even a Neutron Bomb. Now he took his pack off, and began to rummage through for the mountain climbing equipment. It WILL be mine. The others may have died, but I will not. Posts: 78 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm hooked. Very intriguing. But here are some thoughts:
"He finally found the lost desert city of Sitnalta."
Something about that sentence was very anticlimactic for me. I was really getting into the suspense of his having found the 'it' that really did exist. My brain was going, "Ooh ooh! What is it? What is it?" But then you had this sentence, which isn't descriptive or dramatic, but simply a statement, and my brain went, "Oh, is that all? What was all the fuss about?"
Question: do neutron bombs exist in this person's universe? If they don't, you can't use it as a comparison. I was immersed until there, and it ripped me out of the story because it didn't seem to fit. But maybe you address this somewhere after line 13.
"Now it was time to begin the descent down the face of the cliff. "
You don't need to say that. We will infer it when he rummages through his pack. In fact, I would say move the sentence about the pack to where this sentence is currently.
Like I said, I'm intrigued. I'd love to read more if you want to send it.
posted
Hey Zetars! This is a good start. One little nit in the first line.
quote: he thought to himself, ...
I have never heard that phrase. Can thinking be anything other than to one's self?
I like the piece and woud be willing to read on from here. The neutron bomb was a jarring reference because I had assumed the setting was fantasy, (maybe it was the names) but otherwise, well done.
edit for typos
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 14, 2005).]
posted
Okay, based on suggestions, I think this is great!
So, he thought, it really does exist, it really does. He looked down from the cliff and down unto a vast unforgiving desert. Now he knew that his journey had not been in vain, but that he finally found it. Thousands of men devoted their lives to finding it, but he was the one who succeeded and finally found the lost desert city of Sitnalta. Inside of its temple was the rock of Anthargram. The scorching sun burnt upon him, but he had pushed on the entire way. He WOULD get that stone. No bigger then the palms of his hand, but had more destructive power then even a black hole. Now he took his pack off, and began to rummage through for the mountain climbing equipment. It WILL be mine. The others may have died, but I will not.
posted
Uhhh, that's it. There's nothing else. It is just supposed to make you wonder... I have ten more. Like the mysteries of Harris Burdick, that's excellent. Posts: 78 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
