posted
First 13 from a SF novel that just got underway. I'm not looking for readers just yet, but would like some feedback to see if this thing is going in the direction I'd like and if it's an interesting enough place to start.
Looking for general reactions to the scene and, of course, does it hook you? ANd if you can, why or why not?
***** Elizabeth Chang stepped off the slidewalk when she saw the crowd in front of the Nelson complex. She rummaged in her bag for her electronic notepad and squeezed past onlookers until she reached the yellow tape, waving her press credentials in the face of anyone who complained.
A body lay in the middle of the marked off area, covered by a sheet. Broken glass littered the ground around the body. Medtechs were packing up their equipment and two security officers were interviewing witnesses on the other side of the area. She was too far away to hear them, but the witnesses kept pointing up at the building as they talked. Elizabeth looked and saw a figure leaning out of a window at least forty floors up.
[This message has been edited by krazykiter (edited January 21, 2006).]
posted
Hey, I'm kind of new here, but thought I might add my two cents...take them for what they're worth.
First, I'm a little confused whether Elizabeth Chang just happened upon the scene or if she was purposefully going to the scene. Maybe that's cleared up quickly after the first 13 lines, but it seemed awkward.
Second, I assume (maybe a big mistake on my part) that this scene takes place sometime in the future--reference the slidewalk and electronic notepad. If so, I'm wondering why yellow crime tape is still being used? Why not something more technologically advanced, yellow tape seems archaic for the mood you are trying to set.
Other than that I'm fairly interested and would consider reading a few more pages. I have to say (and this is nothing against what you have written) that I will read just about anything for the first chapter or so. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I guess because I would like the same in return.
posted
You're giving me a fairly clear picture of the events, but I don't know their significance, so I can't care. Is Elizabeth looking for a story? Returning to the scene of her crime? Caring about the victim, horrified, or satisfied that she'll get page one? I don't know.
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posted
The jist of the story does interest me, and I would read on, though there were a few places I saw could use a tweak.
My comments echo weavers. The terms seem to be contradictory in their time frame. If you're going to call a paramedic a medtech and have a slidewalk (unless that was a typo), then "electronic notepad" needs a better name as do "press credentials", "security officer", and maybe even "equipment" (defibulator?? - or however you spell that). While these tell me exactly what you're trying to describe, it also tells me that you don't know what they are really called by your characters, drawing attention to the fact that it is a story and not real. The idea is to make the illusion so real that we are not tempted to "pay attention to the man behind the curtain". If you said she pulled out her e-pad (or TX3000, or whatever) and later began scribbling furiously on its screen, the reader knows what you're talking about and that it has a cool name in the character's lingo. It shows culture and depth.
Also, the way you divided your sentences in the first paragraph tell me that Liz could manage to rummage in a bag while squeezing through a crowd and wave her credentials at security all at the same time. Re-organizing the sentences a bit will fix this.
I also have additional questions, (which means that I cared enough as a reader to question it and that I would likely read on for an explanation) that I hope would be explained soon. Like, how big is the crowd (this will tell me how often a murder/suicide takes place in that city), why only two cops on the scene?, and why would there still be a possible suspect hanging around the window the person fell from? Even if it were my co-employee who plummetted, I don't think I'd hang around the window too long.
But coming onto the scene of the crime instantly grabs attention - if it didn't CSI wouldn't have so many spin-offs. They open up nearly every episode on either a crime scene or a crime being committed. It's a good opener.
posted
Thanks for the feedback, folks. They pretty much confirm some suspicions I had. I knew the terminology was weak, but I didn't want to spend too much time on it in order to get something written, and there are some elements I think I can bring forward a bit to help clarify what's going on.
This one is a tough scene because there's a certain amount of setup that just has to go into it while hopefully tickling the reader's interest just enough to keep him reading.
And yes, Kevin, the answers to your questions occur in the next several paragraphs.
Hopefully this addresses some of the concerns cited ealier.
*** Elizabeth Chang stepped off the slidewalk when she saw the crowd in front of the Nelson complex. She squeezed past onlookers until she reached the marked off area ringed with arcology security guards, waving her press credentials in the face of anyone who complained. She had little patience for anything or anyone between her and a story.
A body, covered by a sheet, lay in the middle. Broken glass littered the ground around the body. Medtechs were packing up their equipment and two security officers were interviewing witnesses on the other side of the area. She was too far away to hear them, but the witnesses occasionally pointed up at the building as they talked. Elizabeth looked and saw a figure leaning out of a window at least forty floors up.
posted
I like the improvements. I have a much better feel for who the character is, what with the addition of her not having patience for people that get between her and her story.
One additional thought: take it for what it's worth (and seeing as how it's my thought, it's not worth much). The second paragraph has no introductory sentence. Prefacing the description of the scene with something like "The scene was a mess." or "The scene was no different from any other" or even "The image before her eyes was a sharp contrast to the quiet serenity of the rest of her world." Then go into the description, "Shattered glass lay everywhere, and in the middle of it lay the broken form of what once was a living person. The white sheet that covered it could not hide the trauma the fall had caused. Blood oozed out from beneath the victim..." This I think will lend some description as to how Elizabeth reacts to the scene, which is probably more important than the description of the scene itself. Every reader will react differently to a blank description, but if you want me to feel empathy for Liz, then show me what she sees and feels, then I can feel it too.
posted
Thanks for the additional thoughts, Kevin. I was pretty deliberate in phrasing it the way I did. One of the overall themes of the book is how perception and reality can differ (or be made to differ), and Liz's perception of the scene changes radically in very short order.
OTOH, the scene could be a little more descriptive. I like some of your phrasing.
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