posted
Teriel stepped to the cargo bay door, pausing a minute to survey the terrain. The odds were slim that there was any danger in the dead city, but he stayed alert as he scanned the desolate buildings. They glowed red in the setting sun, a sharp contrast to the cool shade of his ship, and Teriel eyed the thick dust that seemed to be creeping up the cargo ramp like a living thing. Not that it mattered, it already coated the hull of his ship, not to mention the cargo bay, cargo, and his own knee-high boots. He had made an earlier exploratory trip to find where he was supposed to dump the cargo, and his overall assessment was that Haggor stunk. Literally as well as figuratively. An aroma of rotting garbage, ancient barrels of leaking mining chemicals, and death
===================================== These are the first 13 lines (well, two paragraphs) from a story I've been working on. I've been posting the story online daily since the beginning of the year, so I'm looking for people's suggestions on how to make it really grab a casual web surfer's attention.
I already know it doesn't start off as fast as it should and I'm wondering if I should rewrite the whole beginning, especially considering the audience. I already rewrote it a little to stick some action in, but it's not until 5 or 6 paragraphs in, day two in the online posting. Is that already too late? If you need a little more context for the first couple paragraphs you can read more (http://circadiansaga.blogspot.com/2006/01/0001-welcome-to-haggor.html) but the first paragraphs are what I'm really interested in improving.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 03, 2006).]
posted
"Teriel stepped to the cargo bay door, pausing a minute to survey the terrain. The odds were slim that there was any danger in the dead city, but he stayed alert as he scanned the desolate buildings. They glowed red in the setting sun, a sharp contrast to the cool shade of his ship, and Teriel eyed the thick dust that seemed to be creeping up the cargo ramp like a living thing."
Here is what I'd do: Keep the first sentence(take out a minute). Ditch the second. Start the third, "The buildings," then cut "seemed to be..." and just say, "crawling up the cargo ramp."
posted
I think I'm in agreement with wbriggs. And I think he hit the nail on the head with the MC not seeming interested.
The only real writing that stuck out at me was "Not that it mattered, it already coated the hull of his ship, not to mention the cargo bay, cargo, and his own knee-high boots."
First, if it didn't matter, why mention it? Describing the dust is fine, but I don't think telling us its lack of importance is. Also, going on about how many things it covers is too much. Going back a bit, maybe something like: They glowed red in the setting sun, a sharp contrast to the cool shade of his ship. Teriel eyed the thick dust that seemed to cover everything, and appeared to be creeping up the cargo ramp like a living thing.
An alternative might be to cut out 'cargo.' If the cargo bay is covered, then likely everything in it would be too.
posted
You should be aware that there isn't much point in this exercise, given what you're doing.
Storywise, you're starting in the wrong place. I actually could tell that just by reading what KDW let you keep, but I read the first page of your story to be sure.
posted
Hum. I read the whole first part on your blog, and I'm not hooked at all. I think the trouble is that you immediately go into two things: a lengthy description of the town (something that bores me to tears), and a flashback (the paragraph that comes after that). Those two things, combined, are story-killers pure and simple.
Start at the beginning. What is he doing here? What is his cargo? Have the guy that he's supposed to meet show up pretty fast (like you have maybe 2-3 sentences to set the scene, and then I want some action).
posted
You have an opening that suggests (falsely) that Teriel isn't already familiar with the area. Slightly later you reveal that he's already reconned it. Thus you're starting the reader with a false impression.
You also say that there probably isn't much danger in the city, then you reveal that it is a toxic waste dumping ground. Afterwards, you reveal that there is almost certainly a criminal with unknown motives hiding somewhere in the city, possibly waiting to hijack an unsuspecting ship.
That's enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth as a reader for any type of story, but the actual solution to your problem requires a bit more knowledge of the particular compass of the "Circadian Saga". In other words, this is going to be an ongoing work so I simply don't have the option of reading the whole thing and telling you where to start
If you look at a couple of ongoing narrative webcomics...say Schlock Mercenary, then you could get an idea or two. Schlock Mercenary starts (or at least, originally started) back when Schlock first became a mercenary. Misfile begins with the actual misfile and it's immediate effects. Evil Inc. begins with LL's need to go to Evil Inc. to straighten out a credit card 'mishap'. Turn Signals on a Land Raider begins with the Kren and Frep being...'inducted' into the Emperor's Pointy Sticks as crew for the new Land Raider.
Okay, so these are all...well, comedy. But other than that, they also have a common element. They all start with a clear beginning that defines everything that comes afterwards. Try and figure out the fundamental event that sets everything in motion for your saga. I couldn't tell you what it is, but I can sense that you aren't starting there. You might even be starting with the wrong POV character.
posted
I'm not really captivated, but I think in part that's because I feel like you're hitting me over the head with the fact that you're describing the scene to me. You use Teriel to show me the scene, which can be a good move, but it just doesn't work in this case. My problem is with the phrase "pausing a minute to survey the terrain." It just seems that he's only stopping to look around in order for you to tell me what the place looks like. You can have him jump out of the ship and then tell me what's around him without it having to come directly through his eyes. That way it's a bit more subtle. You can still have him scan the buildings for danger and that sort of thing, just don't make it feel obvious to me that you're only using him to show me something.
I also don't really like "literally as well as figuratively." It's a phrase that's already overused, and in my opinion it's a fairly lazy phrase. Find a better way of saying this.
Last thing: give me something that really sparks my interest. Tell me something unique about Teriel or this place that he is in. Give me a picture or a fact that is so memorable that I'll still remember it a week from now.
posted
What struck me as odd was that although the MC was "pausing a minute to survey the terrain", you devote an awful lot of narrative to the condition of the ship itself, the cargo bay and cargo. Probably a good part of the reason the MC seems disinterested. Tighten the narrative to describe the terrain and the buildings - apparently the important elements of the scene - and it might buld more interest from readers.
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