Felia turned sixteen the day she rode to the summit of the mountain separating the territory of the Amazons from that of the Gargarensians. She and the fourteen women accompanying her had been preparing for the journey since midwinter, but many of them felt the strong fear upon them that spring day. Fewer than half their number had attended these rites before, and only the Priestess Dianysia could claim visiting the summit more than thrice.
The band of warrior women came in sight of the camp that would be their home for the next two months. Felia tightened her grip on the reins, seeing at last the cause of her fear: men.
“How can we be expected to mate with them? They’re so ugly!” Felia said.
[This message has been edited by Po (edited April 20, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Po (edited April 20, 2006).]
posted
I wasn't interested until the hook (fear of men, etc.), but I'm not yet certain why. Most likely it is the Amazonian reference. I tend to like fantasy based outside of this world.
quote:... but many of them felt the strong fear
'the' seems incorrect.
'Thrice' seems out of place so far.
quote:... seeing at last the cause of her fear
I read this as "the last cause." It wasn't until I was going to make a comment that I noticed it was different. Perhaps a comma? "seeing at last, the cause of her fear" or "on the reins, at last, seeing the cause..." Anyway, it's a bit awkward to me.
[This message has been edited by pjp (edited April 20, 2006).]
posted
The opening sentence is quite long, and drags a little; plus I think it would be better switched around - "The day Felia turned sixteen was the day she..." (since I'm assuming she's going there because she's sixteen, rather than it being incidental).
I'm not sure I'd read on, because there are an awful lot of bad ways to treat the plot-line you're presenting, and very few good ones.
posted
You finally got me on the last line...up until then I was laboring through this piece and I'm a little worried about going on from here.
"Felia turned sixteen the day she rode to the summit of the mountain separating the territory of the Amazons from that of the Gargarensians."
Ok...not good not bad...
" She and the fourteen women accompanying her had been preparing for the journey since midwinter, but many of them felt the strong fear upon them that spring day."
I don't like being told that they're afraid. It doesn't mean anything to me right now.
" Fewer than half their number had attended these rites before, and only the Priestess Dianysia could claim visiting the summit more than thrice."
This sentence really confused me the first time I read but then I realized the last word was "thrice" not "twice." I think it's a weird word and I would suggest a different choice.
"The band of warrior women came in sight of the camp that would be their home for the next two months. Felia tightened her grip on the reins, seeing at last the cause of her fear: men."
You could start with this, or a modified version of this to make it more appropriate for a first sentence, and I don't think you would have missed anything at all.
“How can we be expected to mate with them? They’re so ugly!” Felia said.
The reason, IMJ, that people aren't finding anything interesting until the last line, is that you are telling us about events (like the fear), but you aren't telling us the significance (until the last line). Why are the women afraid? Why was the trek not a common thing? What was the point of the trip? Whenever you do this, we have to put up a stake next to that bit of the story, and come back later in our mind to answer the question ourselves. Don't make us. Tell us up front.
Felia, sixteen, had never seen a man before. She was afraid to, because ... .
And there they were. "How can we be expected to mate with them?" ...
About the plot line: I'm interested if it's done well, but for me, you're going to have to get past this: I don't think a girl raised among only women would be attracted to men. She's sixteen; she's sexual; she must have already projected that onto someone . . . on the other hand, maybe those qualities she finds attractive in women, she'll find even more attractive in men, once she knows them. *That* would be interesting -- not just, "And then Desiree fell in love," but for us to see *why* she fell in love, why it was inevitable that she would. I'd read that story for sure!
posted
I'm fine with the first sentance if you filp it around. I think this whole beginning could be a lot stronger if you move the elements around a bit. The hook is that she has never seen men, so get that in there faster. I might read on, if I feel like the story is going to have a twist--this is a plot line that as been done before.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
wbriggs made a good point: I can see how this story would be quite interesting if it explored the idea of how someone who has been separated from the opposite sex her entire life. How would she react once she has seen the men? Would she really be afraid, or would she find them attractive. If, as wbriggs said, she has already projected her feelings onto someone else, namely one of the women in her group, would she still find the men attractive, or--as you have already suggested in these opening lines--would she find them ugly, brutish, barbaric even. Would she then be more attracted to the other women? This could be quite an intriguing topic to think about.
Also, as others have stated, the hook didn't come for me until that second paragraph. "Felia tightened her grip on the reins, seeing at last the cause of her fear: men."
posted
I have trouble visualizing anyone riding to the summit of a mountain. Unless it is a low mountain, or the summit is flat and there are broad trails cut to it, even a mule would find the climb impossible. That the mountain in question is a prominent border landmark suggests to me that it is high, and that reaching its summit would most likely require a good deal of climbing. Just a nit, but it is bothersome for me.
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quote:I have trouble visualizing anyone riding to the summit of a mountain.
There are mountains, and there are mountains. In the UK, we have the temerity to refer to things that are around 1000m tall as "mountains", which in relation to (say) the Rockies, or the Himalaya, is absurd.
Only when I started travelling did I realise how pathetic they truly are (I think there's only officially one mountain summit in the UK that can't actually be reached simply by walking). But they're the biggest we have, so we call them mountains.
One of the great values of the critiques in LH is that they can highlight different cultural perspectives, and issues that might arise in different markets.
posted
I think the idea is interesting but the issue I have is that these are supposed to be warrior women and they are afraid of men? If they are warriors I'm sure they've seen much worse than a group of men. I'm having trouble believing they would be afraid. Disgusted maybe but not afraid. Maybe if you described the men and then instead of fear you showed disgust or a sense of "well, let's get this over with".
Rose
[This message has been edited by Rose (edited April 25, 2006).]
posted
Heh, I was going to make a comment, but then I realized that this is the thread for my fragment! *grins*
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