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Author Topic: Untitled Novella
Raisedbyswans
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Here's the first thirteen lines to a speculative fiction piece I'm working on. I started it a while back for a competition, but life got in the way. I've planned it to run as a novella. Crit hard and rock on.

A drop of rain clipped the tip of Michael’s nose as the priest spoke his father’s funeral benediction. The morning news had mentioned a possible spring shower while he had cinched up his tie in his hotel room. Despite the warning, Michael had left his umbrella in the trunk of his rental.
Michael’s father used to prod him to go on walks before rain saying, “The world never smells cleaner than before a storm.” Michael welcomed the approaching dark clouds as a fitting accompaniment to his father’s burial.
The drizzle turned into a sheet of fat drops. The mourners who had come ill prepared for the downpour huddled under the umbrellas of those who had. Michael closed his eyes and let the water hit him.


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MaryRobinette
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Unless the fact that the umbrella is in the rental car is going to be important later, I'd skip those details. They feel extraneous now. I like the image of Michael closing his eyes and letting the water hit him. I think it says a lot about the character.

But, I also have a small belief issue. At all of the burials I've attended, they had a canopy set up for the family. So it makes me wonder if there is one and he's standing on the outskirts of it.


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Survivor
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Figure out where you want to start the story, and start there.
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Raisedbyswans
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Thanks for the insight about the funeral. I don't have any experience with them and thought it would be creepy to observe someone elses for research.

Survivor: Your comment is too criptic for me. I planned for this story to start with a funeral. Can you please explain?


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MaryRobinette
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I think he means that you have a mini-flashback in your second sentence. We start in the graveyard, go back to the hotel. Then to the car, and then we are back at the graveyard.
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Raisedbyswans
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Yeh, I figured he was referring to flashbacks after I posted. I edited my comment, but for some reason it didn't stick.

Although, the flashback that I caught was when he thinks about walking in the rain with his dad, although I feel that instance is more inner monologue then flashback.

I wasn't even thinking about the hotel line. Good catch. Here, I think this is stronger.

A drop of rain clipped the tip of Michael’s nose as the priest spoke his father’s funeral benediction. The polished oak casket drew a morbid line between him and the crowd of mourners he faced. He watched the throng huddle closer together under their canopy.

Michael’s father used to prod him to go on walks before rain saying, “The world never smells cleaner than before a storm.” He welcomed the dark clouds as a fitting accompaniment to his father’s burial.

The drizzle turned into a sheet of fat drops. Michael closed his eyes and let the water hit him.

[This message has been edited by Raisedbyswans (edited June 29, 2006).]


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EvoL
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Despite the correction of eliminating the flashbacks, I liked the first one better than that one. But that's just me...

EDIT: Maybe you could combine the last three sentences? It seems a little chopped up.

[This message has been edited by EvoL (edited June 29, 2006).]


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Sara Genge
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I liked the first version better. I didn't mind the flashback to the hotel. It makes sense to concentrate on small details when the situation is as emotionally charged as this one. Details slow things down and let the reader soak in the misery of the MC.
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Kilgore__Trout
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The raining funeral is a bit cliche. You see it constantly in movies, and it think it's mandatory for music videos of sad rock ballads. If you're set on using it to start off your story, then I think you're going to have to make quite an effort for it stand apart.

Personally, I would give it all a more surreal and dreamy feel, because that's how people themselves often feel at funerals - they can't believe it. It will help to bring the reader into the story if you make them feel what those at the funeral a feeling.

Lastly, special events like funerals can be extremely useful for good character development and the development of relations between characters in the book. People generally try to put their best forward at funerals, and there is typically quite a range between the different characters' "bests". Simply describing the plot of land and the headstone can say a lot about the deceased, and describing the attitudes and appearances of those in attendance can say a lot about their social statuses, relations, maturity, etc.


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Raisedbyswans
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All great feedback.

I've gone back and forth between the two versions and I'm still leaning towards keeping the flashback. I feel it's one of those situations where POV beats out what is technically appropriate.

The raining funeral is definately ciche, but I use it to show the fundamental difference between the MC compared to the rest of the mourners. I'm not big on summarizing as a means of validation. If anyone's interested, I'll email them the chapter. I would like to know if the rainy funeral still feels cliche when placed in context the with entire scene.

Best to all and thanks for your thoughts.

[This message has been edited by Raisedbyswans (edited June 30, 2006).]


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Raisedbyswans
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I spent the day reevaluating what makes a story kick, and in my humble opinion it's character interaction. So I rewrote the beginning and most of the chapter. I'm looking for a couple readers. Let me know if you're interested.

Michael stood on an incline 46.325 meters away from his father’s casket watching the throng of mourners huddled close under a canopy. A drop of rain clipped the tip of his nose as the priest ended the benediction.

“I’ll get your umbrella from the car, Sir,” Calhoon whispered.

“No need, I haven’t experienced rain in years. If you like, you can retrieve it for yourself.” Michael heard the faint squishing of Caloon’s steps against the damp grass as he retreated to the car. The drizzle turned into a sheet of fat drops. Michael closed his eyes and let the water hit him.

Michael’s father used to prod him to go on walks during mild rains saying, “The world never smells cleaner than before a storm.” As his clothes grew heavy from the water, he thought the wet weather a fitting accompaniment to his father’s burial.


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MaryRobinette
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Well, I like it better. I don't know about anyone else. I like the precise distance that he is away from the canopy. It says that the guy is very precise and analytical to me. Referencing Calhoon, gives me the impression that he is wealthy.

I feel like I know much more about Michael in this one.


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Survivor
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I thought the second one was good, but this third one definitely introduces a couple of elements that simply weren't there before.

I didn't like the extra decimal places in the distance. It's meaningless to speak of the position of a human body in units smaller than decimeters, you nail it down to the millimeter. One decimal place is enough to let us know that Michael knows exactly where he's standing without making it sound like you don't know how small a millimeter is.

Other than that, I like the introduction of Michael's social stature and the connection to the fact that he hasn't felt rain in years. Along with the more explicit exploration of how this led him away from a specific thing his father valued, it gives this opening a solid foundation.


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Kilgore__Trout
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I like this one better too.

I agree that the distance is too precise to be accurate. It's also too far to hear anything at the funeral, and requires an explanation at some point as to why he's standing so far away. It appears as though he's not welcome at the funeral. If that is the case, then I think it should be followed up by some reaction from the other mourners. It can be as small as an ashamed or resentful glance in his direction.

"I haven't experienced the rain in years" is a good addition, but it would be better in the narrative, or have him state it to himself as Calhoun walks away. Otherwise it breaks the reality for me, because I can't see someone saying something like that outside of a movie. Also this Calhoun appears to be a servant, and people who have servants don't explain themselves to their servants. It would get too exhausting if servants came to expect simple orders to be followed with explanations.

The last line is a visual, but I can't see or feel it. It needs more description.

I can review the whole thing if you want to email it to me


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Sara Genge
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Unless there's a very good reason I'd cut the exact number of meters. "Some 30m" is better than the exact amount unless the guy is a robot.
Substitute "retrieve" for "get": no matter how wealthy he is, I've never heard anyone talk like that. Kills credibility for me.
Cut the phrase in which he thinks that the rain goes well with his dad' funeral. It' already obvious, you've illustrated the point perfectly with that memory of his dad trying to get him to walk before the rain.
I'll read

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Raisedbyswans
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Thanks for the feedback. There's is a reason for the incredibly accurate measurement and no he is not a robot. There are a couple nuts and bolts I need to fiddle with before I send it to those of you who have graciously volunteered to read the rest. I'll get it to by 07/05.

Best Regards.


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Ellepepper
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I like the first one better, it is more how your mind is during a funeral, you are thinking about all the little things, trying to get your mind off of whatever the priest is saying.

The other thing about the canopy is, it depends on where you are and what sort of service it is. I've been to a few where there were none because the place didn't provide them, they were extra.

I like the feel of the first one, and the mini flashback didn't draw away from it, in fact, it showed me a little more character I think.


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