posted
Hey, I was on here for a while a couple of months ago then i took a long break as I was in a Creative Writing class. Some of you may remember my Sunborn story. I posted a few rewrites on here then decided to do a complete rewrite which i just completed recently.
I need comments on the whole thing if anyone could read it. Its fantasy about 5900 words.
Orya settled down into the snow, trying to ease her weary body. She lay nestled between two large buildings—pillars of crystal that soared into the sky, hovering oppressively over her. Walkways of glass sprung between them, their images shining in the cold night sky. The city’s beauty seemed to taunt her with its emptiness, like a monument to a glorious tune now fallen silent. The silence would not have been so oppressive if she had not been the cause of it. She stared above her trying not to think, wishing that her body would finally find rest. For a moment she could see the millions of feet that had walked through these walkways, hear the jumble of voices that had echoed through this space, feel the ambience from the myriads of faces that had smiled and frowned as they
posted
Couple of comments, but I'll give it a read.
First, you use the words oppresively and oppressive in close proximity. It is an interesting word and stands out when you use it more than once. Second, I had an issue with the image of "The city’s beauty seemed to taunt her with its emptiness, like a monument to a glorious tune now fallen silent." I don't see how a monument to a now silent tune taunts anything. It appears to be a mixed metaphor.
I have some other comments, but can save them for the critique. Send it on over.
posted
I agree with the use of the word oppressively and oppressive so close together. My advice is to drop "oppressively" and let the narration convey that fact. It's the more passive of the two.
Also, it seems a contradiction to say that Orya is "settled down" and "easing" her body and "lay nestled"... then to follow that imagery of being at rest with saying she wished her body would finally find rest.
I don't care for flashbacks that are not clearly portrayed as flashbacks, not at the very beginning of the story when I'm trying to find my balance and sense for your narrator's voice. Can she actually SEE and HEAR these people? Or is it a flashback? Save the poor reader from scratching their head and toss us a bone... tell us it's a memory. Don't make us work so hard to slip into your story. Each time we stutter over details like this, it pulls us back out of the magic you are trying to create.
posted
Sounds like you're getting some decent reactions! I have a suggestion on how to address Survivor's "flat" observation (which I also felt). You're telling us what MC sees, does, and a few of her sensations (weary, oppressive, taunt, empty). I think you're almost there. What's left to make a hook (and also to make good reading) is to tell us the significance of events. Consider these two bits of text: John read the note and felt sad and angry.
John read his wife's "Dear John" note, and -- after all he'd done! How could she? He'd given up his job at the sausage factory because she didn't like the smell of pork. He'd gotten rid of his favorite "KISS THE COOK" apron, permanently stained with barbecue sauce she'd never liked. He'd even bought a Porsche. How could she leave a man with a Porsche? Then he realized the Porsche was missing.
The first isn't just shorter; it's empty of significance -- so we can't feel John's sadness and anger with him, and we can't care. Now, your text does have some of what we need -- but it doesn't let us in on the thoughts Orya has about this city that makes her feel that way. If it did, I think you'd get an even more enthusiastic response to this opening.
posted
I'm going to be as succinct as I can be. Your vivid descriptions have inspired me to start all over with writing my story.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2006
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The last sentence is a list, another pattern. I think the fragment would be stronger if you varied the sentence structure more.
Yeah I found this made it a bit forced, but it is intriguing. Lots of questions raised and a sense of the pov character. I hope there is something actually happening in the next paragraph or two.
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