I would ditch the entire four sentences and start with the character. The mention of Surabaya (the exotic nature of the name) is enough of a hook that people will understand you're not talking about some average city.

Aside from that, you're getting too bogged down in description too early on. If the students are all in their twenties, don't beat around the bush about it. Unless how they're dressed is important, ditch it. You need to jump into something interesting because you lost my attention with this opening.

This school scene is reminiscent of dozen that I've read and seen on tv, especially the desks into a circle shtick.

What's important about this story? What aspect of it have we never seen before and why is it interesting? Answer that, then start there.

Edit: Is the fact he's Canadian important, btw?

It is a short story, so I understand the need to get as much information into it as possible, but you have to be careful about over loading it.

There was a thread on here last week about hyper short stories. I am trying not to repeat myself lest you think that I don't have any original thoughts, with that being said, you can take a look at that post if you want but in short I said that the amount of description that you use can be like the type of paint you give the reader to color in your world, there is a balance between giving them a black and white pallet and lead based paint.

Sorry kind of just venting here and not necessarily about your story. I did like the idea and I would probably read more... Cut some of the detail out, or give it to me in little chunks, very little ones.

I am in to those really deep stories as much as the next guy but, if the opening is too tough I am more than likely to going to be willing to read much further.

My Take: (Hope you don't mind the rewrite)
My Name is Steven Gold, in 2027 I came to Surabaya to teach English to the natives. Being that Surabaya is a place of business and not much else, the people are very orderly right down to the near uniforms that they wear, very unlike the English language. This was going to be be a hard assignment.
Even though these people where well into their twenties, they filed into the room like a bunch of grade school children, no more like automatons I corrected myself. I could tell right then and there If I was going to get through to them and make them understand English and it's thousands or rules, not one that was not broken, I was going to need to shake things up. They were going to have to learn that they were not the computers their society had programed them to be.

I have no idea is that is the twist you were planning on taking and really have no idea where I would go from there beyond the many class room drama that have already been done. And forgive the roughness of it as it was really spur of the moment. Hope this helps.

1. Print out entire story, or whatever you currently have of it.
2. Crumple paper into a ball.
3. Throw into trash.

In Practice....
1. File > Close
2. File > New Document

Whatever idea you've got going here might be a good one, I honestly can't tell. Nothing happens here. If you like the story you've imagined in your head, then raze this to the ground and start again.

You can work in his name and nationality by having him introduce himself to the class. I'd start with "In 2027, I came to Surabaya to teach English." Even that could be improved, because it sounds like something that happened in the past rather than an introduction to the present moment. (If it did happen in the past and he's been teaching for several years, then why is he nervious?)

Heck, why not just start off something like:

quote:

---

I cleared my throat as I stared out at the sea of uniformed students seated before me. I had come to Surabaya to teach a college class on English because it sounded exciting to teach at an exotic Southeast Asia port city. The reality of what I'd gotten myself into was finally starting to hit me.

"Hello. My name is Stephen Gold, and I'm from Canada."

---

And so on. Try to work the setting into the narrative with a few choice words, and only tell us what is necessary to the story as it is necessary.

In my example, 'college class' implies the student's age range...and colleges are where 'English as a foreign language' classes are generally taught. You can work the 'seemed so young' in there if you want because that tells Stephens approximate age. The uniforms tell something about the culture, but we probably don't need a detailed description right off the bat. 'Cleared throat' and 'sea of students' and 'reality of' all get across his nervousness without outright saying it. In my version, we also get an idea of why Stephen came to teach. Fill in your own reason. I'd have to change my description to indicate that the students are at moveable desks instead of in a lecture hall or at tables (which is what we had at our college instead of individual desks), but you get the idea.

I hope that this was remotely helpful.

"The business of Surabaya is business." Well yes, but just what does this really tell us? This is too vague since it could be said of virtually any culture. In other words, what society does not survive through business - whether it be high tech, producing illicit drugs, trading sea shells etc. You could have given us a good deal of information about this society simply by telling us what kind of business they are involved in.

To me, the first paragraph is cheap, but there is always a cost. Opening with a description can work as long as you're aware of what you're "buying." As has been said here often, breaking the rules has a cost. You paid something to start with an encyclopedic opening; ask yourself what you go for it. What was the "return on investment"? I feel the first paragraph might be free, but it still costs something--thus, it's cheap.

If you must open with a description, I say look for what is important about the region that will be interesting to the reader. Pick out the unusual. Many places have mountains. I don't think we need to know that right away.

Then, jump right into the character and the setting. Since you opened with a description, I would say jump in hard. An introduction to the class is one possibility, but somewhat trite. What can he say that would be different and tell us something about him?

The "encyclopedic" opening was my response to the comment that I always begin my stories with dialog. I decided to set the stage first, instead. Didn't work? I'll try something else.

The essentials that I need to get across in the opening is that this country has an education system that works. But, it works at the expense of autocratic government from above and conformity on the part of the students. The crisis in the story comes when the Premier dies, and his replacement is intolerable. The students have no idea what to do.

Setting the basics out in the paragraph above has given me some ideas, so I'll try again.

quote:

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The crisis in the story comes when the Premier dies, and his replacement is intolerable. The students have no idea what to do.

---

And, you are being quite the good sport about it. Muchas gracias!

Jayson Merryfield

PS: Speaking of which, Deb, has SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED nixed his post? I can't seem to find it anywhere. Or did he perhaps delete it himself? Can we proles even do that?

I'm reluctant to tell too much about the story, but, since people asked, the conflict is that under the new government, the people start murdering Americans -- and are not all that good at telling Canadians from Americans. The theme, however, is contrasting the strong and weak points of different forms of education. Education that helps you win a math contest does not necessarily help you survive during a revolution.

Target market is Analog.