posted
Hi, This is my first attempt at horror-sf and I'd like help with the first thirteen and readers, if anyone is up for that. The story totals 900 words. Thanks!
Tom spotted the girl on a windy October day, standing on the opposite platform in the subway. The station smelled like shit--it always did--but at least today there was music. It was a nonsense tune, faint and far away, but Tom was grateful for it. He made a mental note to give some cash to the next street musician he saw. The girl extended her arms and her trench fluttered. At the time, it didn't seem strange that, although they were underground, there could be a breeze, and one that only seemed to affect this girl. She closed her eyes, balanced on the balls of her feet and lifted up into the air. Oh, an angel, thought Tom stupidly. Would she date him? He jumped into the tracks, planning to walk up to her and ask her
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 17, 2007).]
posted
Interesting start. I was going to ask why it is that Tom wants to date an angel - we are given no reason for it so it seems silly at first - even so that question makes the opening very compelling. I take it that by "dating" the angel he wishes to die. This reminds me of a schizophrenic I once knew who was going to "date" (in other words he was going to suicide) Karen Carpenter - who was long since dead. This opening is very well written - piques my curiosity - send it along, would love to read it all. However, I've had some "bugs" with the e-mail to work out - though it has worked well lately so hope that is all past.
A couple nits: "Oh, an angel, thought Tom stupidly." Look, if I saw someone levitate I might think the same thing - it seems that this being an extraordinary thing to see why the "stupidly" since ANY conclusion he could come to about it is as likely to be as valid as any other.
Also - "...jumped into the tracks" This is not the same as saying "he jumped on to the tracks" - which is what I think you meant.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 17, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 17, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 17, 2007).]
---- At the time, it didn't seem strange that, although they were underground, there could be a breeze, and one that only seemed to affect this girl. ----
This sentence seems to mess up your flow. Just losing the extra commas (At the time it didn't seem strange that there could be a breeze underground - one that only affected this girl) might make it flow better.
I'm assuming "trench" is slang for something (trench coat? And if it is, wouldn't a trench coat be too heavy to "flutter?"), but I can't find anything to verify that.
Tom spotted the girl on a windy [if they're in the subway, not sure if you need 'windy' which would also connect better with the breeze bit later] October day, standing on the opposite platform in the subway. The station smelled like shit--it always did--but at least today there was music. It was a nonsense tune, faint and far away, but Tom was grateful for it. He made a mental note to give some cash to the next street musician he saw. [I think you need to seperate this into two sentaces. Perhaps try something like: 'As usual, the station smelled like shit. To make the experience slightly more bearable, today music played...' Or however you'd want to say it] The girl extended her arms and her trench fluttered. At the time,[Start at: It didn't...] it didn't seem strange that, although they were underground, there could be a breeze, and one that only seemed to affect this girl. She closed her eyes, balanced on the balls of her feet and lifted up into the air. Oh, an angel, thought Tom stupidly. Would she date him? He jumped into the tracks, planning to walk up to her and ask her out. The driver tried to brake, but there is such a thing as mass.
I will read the rest if you want to send it my way.
quote: Tom spotted the girl on a windy October day, standing on the opposite platform in the subway[Was the wind coming down the steps from the street?]. The station smelled like shit--it always did [If it always did, wouldn't Tom have become accustomed to it?]--but at least today there was music. It was a nonsense tune, faint and far away, but Tom was grateful for it. He made a mental note to give some cash to the next street musician he saw. The girl extended her arms and her trench [Trenchcoat?] fluttered. At the time, it didn't seem strange that, although they were underground, there could be a breeze,[If you mention this here, how about skipping the "windy October day"?] and one that only seemed to affect this girl. She closed her eyes, balanced on the balls of her feet and lifted up into the air. Oh, an angel, thought Tom stupidly [Is stupidly the right word?Tom mistook her for an angel?]. Would she date him? He jumped into the tracks, planning to walk up to her and ask her out. [The driver tried to brake, but there is such a thing as mass. This sentece is odd.]
I thought Sirens sang?
He had a sudden and inexplicably potent desire for her. She was singing to him, telling him to come to her. He leapt down into the track...
Excellent idea!
I'll read.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 17, 2007).]
posted
This sounds like an interesting story, but I have to admit my main feeling is confusion. Maybe that was actually your intent? Was Tom depressed/drugged/ill when he saw the 'angel?' I'd like to know why he was vulnerable to the angel. Was she really there or a figment of his imagination? I'd keep reading on the assumption that those questions would be answered in the rest of the story.
I'd like to read the rest, if you still need readers.
posted
Reminds me a bit of the James Blunt song where he sees a beautiful girl on the train. He stared at her because he was high. A lot of people walk around high these days I guess, maybe thats why he stepped in front of a moving train.
Did you see my question for you Sara, under general discussion. It has your name in the title. BTW I would be happy to read all 900 words if you like
posted
Interesting start - good hook - you definitely have my interest.
Leave out the part of a "windy October day"; it is an unnecessary point, and actually detracts from the strangeness that there could be a breeze, and one that only seemed to affect this girl." I was not surprised at all that her trench was fluttering because you already told me it was windy - you had to work harder to remind me the wind shouldn't be in the subway.
I am curious about the music. If the music is coming from the "siren", you wiped out the suggestion by saying:
quote:He made a mental note to give some cash to the next street musician he saw.
This may be a case of trying to be too clever. Leave that out - mentioning the "faint & far away" music without it is better.
I would be interested in reading the rest if you want to send it to me.
posted
Interesting beginning. It looks like you have plenty of readers, but if you need another--send it my way.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Pouring readers, I see. Thank you! Three crits have come back so far, all with interesting points. I'd like to wait for a couple more, revise and then send it off to some of the other people who offered to read. There's no point in having ten people point out the same problem, is there? Is everyone ok with this?
Another question. I got the sirens=drugs idea from a RoF story I read and loved. This one is quite different, and from what I know about copyright, you can't copyright vague concepts, but I still feel a bit guilty for borrowing that theme. I have the feeling this theme has been used before, but I can't remember when. How do you guys feel about this? If I could find more stories with that use of Siren's song, I'd feel like I'm working inside a genre instead of ripping off from another story.
posted
Great start. I might be a bit late but I'll read it. I haven't really done any crit but I'll do my best. I've gotta start somewhere Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
It’s interesting how everybody sees something different.
The fact that it was a windy day wasn’t a problem for me and I suspect that the statement is supposed to partially explain why he wasn’t consciously surprised that her trench was blowing around. However, the two thoughts are too far apart to properly be connected by the reader. I only made the connection the second time through.
I actually like the fact that you just say “trench.” It sort of makes me comfortable with the author, like we’re friends and the author knows I’m not the type of reader that needs every little detail to understand.
I felt slightly tricked when you used the term “at the time” and four seconds later you killed him. The term really implies that he will not be dying any time soon.
“At the time it didn’t seem significant, but later when he was trying to scoop up his lower intestines off the track without spilling the contents he realized he probably should have been more observant.” Haha
Umm… I think “into” the tracks, is the correct word since typically there are at least four of them and I think if people do cross tracks they step between them and not on them because they are higher, shiny, narrow, slippery, hard things that would be easy to fall off of. So for me “into” best describes the moment as I would picture it in my mind.
Love your imagination Sara. How do you concentrate on real life – and in a hospital at that? Lol
posted
I have a small suggestion that nobody mentioned. Your first sentence introduces the girl, then you start talking about the 'shitty' subway. This caused me to have negative feelings about the angel even though you weren't talking about her anymore. Maybe you should hold off on introducing her until after the subway description?
Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2007
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posted
Thanks everyone! That was certainly helpfull.
Thanks Traci. How do I concentrate? Well, I'm actually pretty good at it, it helps that illnesses have personalities and that they talk to me... just kidding.
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