This is the first thing I've written since high school but I thought I might as well jump in at the deep end.
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Dergan looked down on the dying man. He regretted, for the first time since leaving the order, breaking his vow of non-violence towards man. He now realised why Brother Odera had begged him to remain at the monastery. "A demon is pure evil," Brother Odera had told him. "A human always has some good within him, no matter what foul deeds he has committed. That, Brother Dergan is why we must not use our training to harm another human being." "But the days of demons are gone," Dergan countered. "None have been spotted in any of our lifetimes. But the world, needing balance, has made men into the demon. The evil is within _them_ now. They must be stopped."
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As you can probably tell my grammar is pretty rusty too so any pointers on that would be great. Thanks.
posted
It's generally thought (and I agree) that if you immediately go into flashback, you're starting in the wrong place.
I suggest putting it in chronological order. It might start with where MC decided to start killing. That's more interesting than a philosophical discussion about violence. (Although the hook -- killing demons -- is interesting.)
posted
As previously stated, the premise of the story is inherently interesting. Although, I think your names are awkward and, if set in the modern day, should be modernized.
However, if your story is set in the past, the names may be just fine. Also, if you insist on starting the story with a flashback, I would make the first part (the hook) as detailed as possible without making it overly so. The more senses you can take advantage of in the beginning the more people will be interested.
In that vein, I would also take the time to explain who the man named only as man actually is. Why did Brother Dergan kill him? Is he one of these demons or is there more to it than that?
[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited January 03, 2007).]
posted
Personally, I prefer less dialogue right at the start of a story. I'd have a bit more action first.
Also, I'm not sure I agree with not starting with a flashback. Fight Club was made like this and I thought it worked really well. That was the film version though. I'm not sure how the book starts so maybe that sort of thing only works well in films.
There's one thing I'm unclear about. When the MC says that men are now the demons does he mean that literally they are now the demons or that in general they are now more evil and therefore like the demons.
posted
I think you're right about the starting point. It should be back when he decides to break his vow. I think I'm going to rewrite it and stick this bit in later.
In response to WilliamHenryHarrison on the names, it is set in the past although the names do still sound a little awkward to me. Naming fantasy characters isn't my forte. I just picked these at random, fully intending to change them at a later date.
posted
In response to JasonVaughn's question. He means that since there are no more demons humans have become more evil to compensate for this. (His Order believe that the world will strive for balance in all things. eg Good/Evil, Life/Death.)
Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Im interested in the story. Aside from the comments already given, I think you have what could be a good story. Good luck with it.
Be sure to read other peoples first 13 and the comments that follow. I've been recognizing a lot of my own mistakes by reading the comments of the other writers. Its been helping me quite a bit. Im pretty new to the writing game as well.
posted
I like the general idea of this story. I don't know if you should so blatantly throw it at the reader right off the bat, though. But maybe sometimes that's good...
You can do all sorts of cool stuff with it, like making him become the "demon" himself, etc., for the sake of killing the "demons" in other men. Have him start off killing people who need to be killed, and then get a bit more liberal in his judgment.
posted
Thanks for all the input guys. Like I said before this is my first serious attempt at writing so all your comments are appreciated. I Think I'll make a few changes then repost. Thanks alot.
Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I say, what a great idea. My only advise would be to move this scene elsewhere, a little later into the chapter. Nice writing, though.
Posts: 99 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Very interesting. The thing that caught me most was the idea of demons being oure evil and people both. I had to go back and read it to see that he had killed someone and that it was a flashback. I guess it's just me but I think the philosophy discusion would be a more interesting place to start unless there is more about the killing at the begining. But sounds really cool.
Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2007
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