posted
I'm nearly finished with this one. There's no character arc or social message, just a nice ironic kick in the end.
The Convention
“He’s here,” Jarred whispered in reverence to his brother Jean. The conference center was buzzing with activity; Trekkies comparing trivia, Storm Troopers in menacing plastic armor, and vendors selling t-shirts and life sized cutouts of comic book heroes. There was no missing the albino though, he was the only one dressed up like a human. “Next to the Nintendo booth.”
For Jerred and many others, this man, or alien, was the link between science fiction and science fact. He was the gateway to a fantastic future and worlds they’d only dreamed about. Every year, he’d speak with convention goers who were waiting for him. They would express their desires, tout their intelligence, and flex their muscles. He would select twenty of them, lead them to a private room, and that would be the last anyone would see of them.
posted
You nailed it, except I was aiming for evil robot dogs, which makes the story even more complex and gripping. Add the underlying religeous iconology and it all falls into place, d o g backwards!
posted
I'm definitely interested. And, I hope I'm not offending anybody, but "people who go to conventions" is a stereotype that usually invokes laughter, so I'm expecting this to be a humorous story. Am I right?
I'm a little confused by this:
quote:For Jerred and many others, this man, or alien, was the link between science fiction and science fact.
So, does this mean he really is an alien, or that people suspect he's an alien but nobody really knows?
Jarred whispering "in reverence to his brother Jean" sounds like his reverence is directed to Jean. Not sure if this needs to be reworded or if puncuation would correct it. Maybe "whispered, with reverence, to..." or just "whispered reverently," although I gather from other threads that we are supposed to avoid -ly words.
Also, it's a minor point, but your MC's name is spelled differently in the first and second paragraphs.
posted
Leonidas, if that really is how the story turns out, then you might want to watch how you word things during your beginning. For example, you might want to change:
quote:He was the gateway to a fantastic future and worlds they’d only dreamed about. Every year, he’d speak with convention goers who were waiting for him. They would express their desires, tout their intelligence, and flex their muscles. He would select twenty of them, lead them to a private room, and that would be the last anyone would see of them.
to something like:
"He was the gateway to a fantastic future and worlds they’d only dreamed about. Every year, he’d speak with convention goers and tell them how great their new jobs would be and how no one ever took up the offer to be brought back. Those that wanted to go would tout their intelligence and flex their muscles. He would select twenty of them, lead them to a private room, and that would be the last anyone would see of them."
You might also later give the reason the albino gives for wanting/needing to take people into the future.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited May 18, 2007).]
posted
It almost hooked me. The idea of some "person" taking 20 people from a convention each year, never having the people seen again, this being common knowledge and NO ONE thought it odd, pushed my credibility factor. Tell me up front from Jarred's POV why no one questions it and why he'd want to go. If I know that, you'll have me hooked.
quote: “He’s tell me his name because Jarred knows it here,” Jarred whispered in reverence you don't need this. presumably his actions will convey the attitude towards the albino. Just show me that. to his brother, Jean.
The sci fi description was cute but you can probably do without it. Maybe something like:
"In a convention center where everyone went out of thier way to look like aliens; Klingons, storm tropers, and the odd Yoda, it wasn't the albino coloring that drew Jarred's eye to John Jones as much as the fact he was trying to pass for human."
quote: For Jerred and many others, this man, or alien, was the link between science fiction and science fact.
Clean this up a bit. You are risking a POV violation - Jarred knows what he knows. You are slipping into a more passive and narrative voice. If that's not what you wanted, try to hone in on the POV.
Why would Jarred think - "and many others?" Jarred knows if he thinks the albino is an alien or not. Share this with me rather than equivocate. Also, how could a mere man be the link btwn sci fi and sci fact?
Why would Jarred want to be picked by this guy? Is he anxious, nervous, offering him gin? What? I'm also not sure what "
For all of those comments, it's a good start. What's the word count?
Printer-friendly view of this topic
