posted
Well what do you think? I'm only a page into this thing and normally wouldn't submit something so soon but I'm curious if the direction I'm going works.
It was well past midnight before Brother Ghedry felt safe enough to creep from his small cell and out the side door of the rectory. The door let out into a narrow walkway, two and a half feet wide, between the rectory and the tenement next door. It was a tight squeeze but posed little problem for his slender frame. While most of his Brothers tended towards the robust, Ghedry’s conscious kept him from indulging in the excesses so many of the others relished.
Ghedry moved along the walkway towards the rear of the abbey. The oil of the street lamps there had yet to be filled and would make it easier for him to slip unseen into the city.
posted
There are too many redundancies in such a short amount of lines. You tell us about the dimensions of the corridor and the size of Brother Ghedry twice, which are both fairly irrelevant details (well, the part about the Brother not overindulging was good characterization because I stereotypically envisioned him as fat). Then you could use that extra space you included to give the reader some clue as to why the clergyman feels the need to sneak around. I am hooked and would continue reading though.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
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quote: It was a tight squeeze but posed little problem for his slender frame.
it seems contradictory to me (it wasn't a tight squeeze for Ghedry). Perhaps if you changed it around a little bit:
quote:It would have proved a tight squeeze for his more robust Brothers, but posed little problem for his slender frame; Ghedry’s conscience kept him from indulging in the excesses so many of the others relished.
Sneaking around at night is always good - I am curious about what is about to happen.
posted
First off, I say finish it before getting a critique. You need to know what is going to happen to effectively convey the situation.
I have a problem with the "...oil of the streetlamps there had yet to be filled..." If they are not filled by midnight, someone had better be loosing a job, or dead. They would have been lit at sundown, much earlier.
I might rethink the necessary ingredients and unecessary redundancies:
Brother Ghedry crept through the halls of (Church's or Institution's name here). It was after midnight, and the brothers were all snuggled up for the night. Ghedry wasn't like the others. He didn't indulge in excess. His body was as fit as the day he left the army*, long before he had joined the order. He slipped out the side door, and into the alley. Under the cover of darkness it would be easier to slip unnoticed into town.
* Bit about the army added for me, not a suggestion.
posted
Thanks for feedback. Your right about the redundancies. I'm trying to teach myself to get everything onto the page before I go back and revise. The biggest roadblock in my writing has always been that I never get a full story since I spend all my time trying to make my first paragraph or page perfect. I was throwing stuff onto the page and was interupted. Since I haven't posted anything yet I figured, why not?
You were all right on target. I'm a little further into the story right now and have a better idea where I'm going. Babbler, its funny you mentioned the street lamps. I was thinking the same thing last night. The lamps are a device to show the two sides or faces of the abbey. The rear is in the poorer section of the city, things aren't kept up. The front of the abbey is on the wealthier side. There the lamps burn brightly and their glow is reflected and magnified by the front of the abbey which is solid gold. Ghedry is trying to leave without being seen and of course goes to side that is decidedly darker.
I still have a long way to go. I'm going to take your advice and finish this thing before reposting. Thanks guys.
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