Ben Jensen hurried through the crowd at L.A. International Teleport. He went to the departure room and stepped onto a waiting teleporter. A feminine voice said "Para espanol oprima el numero uno. For english press 2." He pressed 2 and inserted his destination card. In an hour he would present a theoretical paper on Gimler waves at the prestigious World Geophysics in Madrid. The anticipation of seeing colleagues he hadn't seen in years surged through him. He straightened his tie and swept back a stray lock of hair. He thought of how he would relax that evening over dinner at a fine restaurant with his wife. This was indeed a fine day he decided.

quote:

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Ben Jensen hurried through the crowd at L.A. International Teleport. He went to the departure room and stepped onto a waiting teleporter. A feminine voice said "Para espanol oprima el numero uno. For english press 2." He pressed 2 and inserted his destination card. In an hour he would present a theoretical paper [on Gimler waves<--needed?] at the [needed?-->prestigious] World Geophysics [World Geophysics What?] in Madrid. The anticipation of seeing colleagues he hadn't seen in years surged through him.[<--maybe: Ben anticipated seeing old colleagues, and dinner with his wife in a fine restaurant.] [He straightened his tie and swept back a stray lock of hair. He thought of how he would relax that evening over dinner at a fine restaurant with his wife. This was indeed a fine day he decided.<--needed?]

"Will this be coach or first class Mr. Jensen?" asked the lady in customer service. [Funny, but I'd like to know more.]

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Mystic thanks for the take on the opening - which I chose because it seems to put across at least a few points.

No time - actually it is a conference and it's only 13 lines, obviously this is going to be far from a perfect day - or there is no story. But as I have already pointed out, this is exactly why the previous submission was better - it had a good hook which I'm going back to.