Does the beginning have enough of a hook? Would you want to read on? And is anybody willing to read the whole thing? There is a time stipulation. I would need it back in a week. If people don't have a whole lot of time for a detailed crit, I would appreciate just a few comments on the ending and if it works. Thanks in advance!

quote:

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Joan kneeled, held her breath, and got to work on the dog[-]pee stain in the living room. It seemed no section of carpet was safe[Is this necessary--> from the dog’s aim] since George had brought him home two weeks before.
The doorbell rang. Joan considered not answering, but decided she didn’t want to be rude. She climbed to her feet, took off her gloves, and wiped her hands on her grey sweat pants as she walked to the door. She left the chain in place and opened the door a crack.
[A petite thirty-ish woman, <--this seems to contradict this-->round in every way from her glasses to her body], smiled. She held up a bottle filled with yellow fluid. A label with a white background and black lettering proclaimed the substance to be all-purpose cleaner.

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I doesn't seem to draw me in. I realize that it's ODD that a saleswoman shoes up just when Joan needs the product she's selling, but It doesn't have real potency to the hook.

For me, one big plausibility point was the "not wanting to be rude, she answered the door." I'm not sure that's the motivation for answering the door. She answers the door because the doorbell rang, no? Leaving the chain attached to the door tells us she's cautious. You could do a bit of inner dialogue at the moment of the bell ring to show us what the character is feeling, or try a transition like "Just as she was about to throw in the towel, the doorbell rang. Good, I need a break, she thought." Although you'll probably want to use more finesse and fewer puns.

"Round in every way from her glasses to her body" seems like overkill/redundancy. We know glasses are generally round (unless someone describes them as another shape.) Bodies aren't. Round in every way sweeps both glasses and body in. Perhaps something more along the lines of "the shape of her body matched the shape of her glasses: round." or something.

I really liked the language. Although there was some redundancy you could probably cut and some internal thoughts that seem odd.

Ex. : Joan considered not answering, but decided she didn’t want to be rude.

When I get interrupted in the middle of dog clean up duty, I'm annoyed. Rudeness is the last thing on my mind but I will grudgingly get up and answer the door. So, this sentance didn't ring true to me. I'd also be thinking about the darned mutt in much stronger terms.

Loved this description: A petite thirty-ish woman, round in every way from her glasses to her body, smiled.

I know exactly what the sales lady looks like and what Joan thinks of her from that line. Good job.

IB, petite is a measure of height (5'4" or less) not weight. For all us midgets out here, it's either buya petite size or constantly have sleeves and cuffs altered. A person can be a size 26 petite (I think that's the largest size I've seen on the racks) although the weight isn't "normal" for most people's image of a "petite" woman.

For example: she was petite but round all over from her glasses to her toes.(the "but" goes a long way toward telling the reader this isn't just a teensy tiny petite blow-her-over-with-a-feather woman.)

A short woman in her thirties, round in every way...

There was a woman there, not very tall, and round in every way...