posted
Hi. I think this is just going to be a short story. If anyone wants to read the rest of the thing, that'd be great. Thanks!
Exodus
When the doors opened, it was hard for Sarah not to scream. She watched this doorway spread in the damp autumn wind like a blot of ink on wet paper. Once it had reached the size of a garage door it hung there, a dark stain upon the air, feathery black tendrils on the edges twitching like live things. Sarah never stuck around long enough to see what might come through.
She had been walking the six blocks to school at Ashland Park Elementary. Sarah had dark blonde hair (dirty dishwater blonde, her dad liked to say), cut, at her insistence, in a bowl cut like Tony from Tony’& T’neil. She wore a homemade green jumper and flowered blouse that she hated, although grownups always adored it. Sarah would have preferred one of
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 04, 2007).]
posted
just two things; when you say "she never stuck around" it sounds like she sees the door more than once, and the band i am familiar with is "The Captain & Tennille" which featured Daryl Dragon and Toni Tennille. Toni did have a famous bowl cut. Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
The first paragraph captured my interest. The second paragraph lost it. How about if Sarah tries to tell her mother about what she saw, and her mother criticizes her appearance and clearly isn't listening to what Sarah is telling her, isn't even aware that Sarah is seiously upset.
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Exodus I agree with Rick here. The first para creates a sense of immediacy and urgency. The second para loses it because you've pulled the camera back and given a description of her, when what I really want to know is what she's going to do or what she's thinking about that weird hole! There's an interesting concept here that I think you can just take and go with it. I don't need to know what she looks like yet, or even where she was going. I think the story could just move forward from the moment she sees the blackness.
To nit pick, I thought the first line was a little passive. I'd rather see Sara struggling not to scream than to be told it was hard for her. Because right now I'm not really sure "when" we are in the story. It doesn't quite feel like it's happening at the moment, rather, the narrator is telling us it happened, so what is she doing in the fictive "now"?
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited August 04, 2007).]
posted
Agree with Rick. You really get us going with the first paragraph - then you let all the air out in the second paragraph. The difference in the mood and tension between the two paragraphs is striking. The first arouses curiosity, builds some real tension - you've got us going. The second paragraph amounts to little more than a fashion statement. We are told about haircuts and what is being worn. It reads, suddenly, like something lifted from Cosmopolitan. Meanwhile we are left with a kind of emotional whiplash - haircuts? Tony and Tennille? Green jumper and flowered blosue? - ok, yes, but WHAT about the inky stain in the air? THAT is what we all want to know about.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I wonder about your character’s point of view at the beginning. The story is exposed from Sarah’s viewpoint. She’s apparently scared by the doorway opening in front of her.
“…doors opened…” “…this doorway spread…”
How does she know it’s a doorway? The description is too precise if this is new and strange to her. We readers should discover that it’s a doorway right along with Sarah. If it’s old stuff to her, does she know it’s a doorway or has it scared her away before she found out anything. We readers should get to know what she knows. The author would be withholding vital information about the doorway otherwise.
“Sarah never stuck around…”
The last sentence implies, with ‘never,’ that she sees this sort of doorway all the time and always runs away. This is the clue that she knows more than we’re being told. The ‘never’ itself is jarring, and even looks like a mistake, since you show us only one appearance of the doorway.
The second paragraph is the start at establishing Sarah as an every-day elementary school student. It sets her age and a lot about her appearance. That sort of stuff is necessary early in the story. Some of it might come before the first paragraph, if it’s worth the cost. As it is, your first paragraph sets an intensity and level of tension that’s broken by the mundane description. That’s a very high cost.
A suggestion would be to include description in her reaction to the doorway – “… bowl-cut dark blond hair bouncing on her head and homemade green jumper flying up behind her as she ran …” or you could save it for the moment when she checks herself in the girls’ room mirror after she runs all the way to school. That second suggestion might put the description out of the first 13, and that might be a good thing. I’d think an indication of her age is important to the whole story – important enough for the first 13.
posted
Just to put in my two cents, is there another way you could describe the character's appearance without having to spell it out? Is it critical that we know what her dad thinks about the hair? It's an interesting premise, but I think you jump around too much.
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