posted
Newest first thirteen in the Alchemy series:
Do you know how long it takes to grow a heart in the man who has none? To seed a soul, sprout a conscience in the stony field of the dank and loveless mind? I do. Eight hundred and seventy three years, two months, one week. That is how long it took for me to learn to weep for others as I wept for myself. To feel the faint prickles of a tender heart, stirred by compassion, pity, love – all those finer feelings of which the poets prattle and the politicians roar. They are mine at last, to cherish, hoard, examine over and over again like precious jewels. Jewels indeed, for my time with them is short. This miracle will never have time to grow old, as so much on this churning old rock has done.
For here is the irony – knowing at last what it is to drink
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 14, 2007).]
"finer feelings of which the poets prattle and the politicians roar": the alliteration might have put me off in other settings, but I think it works with this flavor you've created.
"To seed a soul": when I read this, I thought I was getting a method, the answer to the preceding question. "To seed a soul, sprout a conscience in a stony field. It'll take you about two months. Add a dash of camaraderie..." Not sure how / if you want to fix that, but there it is...
I thought you started to slip just as the first 13 ended. "can we truly say we love when we are not ready to sacrifice self to preserve..." just seemed to take too long to get wherever it was going, and it's not poetic. The narrator has become pragmatic at this point with "I have no choice but to die." Maybe you make him pragmatic in this sentence, too. I have an example if you want to know what I mean, but I'll only post it if you want it.
Still, I'd turn the page hoping that the rest of the story was as good as that first paragraph.
posted
Nice prose. The first three sentences give the impression that the narrator is affecting someone else (as an alchemist might do), but then it becomes clear that he is speaking of himself abstractly. "Is that what she intended?" he asked rhetorically.
I didn't get the meaning of this: "..., as so much on this churning old rock has done."
I didn't follow the conclusion. If the heart was grown to perfection, then it would not be defective (and therefore incapable of sacrifice). On the other hand, are defective and perfect hearts certain to be faced with a situation requiring sacrifice?
That aside, it has a good voice. If you want it to sound more masculine, you might consider throwing in a rude noise or two
posted
Very well done - lyrical - captivating. I also had a question about the "old rock" as WouldBe noted.
also a nit - "...stirred by compassion, pity, love - all those finer feelings of which the poets prattle and the politicians roar." I smiled at seeing "compassion, pity and love" in the same sentence as "politicians". Politicians, especially these days, are not held in high regard. For me, "statesmen" would be a better fit.
posted
FWIW, I agree with JeffBarton and disagree with Nitewriter about "politicians". Only the crass would roar about compassion, pity, and love. I thought it was a nice, subtle jab.
Posts: 671 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
this old rock refers to earth - he is speaking from a nearly present-day perspective. I'll post the re-write later today, after I wake up.
And Oliverhouse, I would be delighted to see your example. Thanks.
And I am pretty sure I am still not doing the fill in the window thing write (I mean right) , Kathleen. I'm going to take what you've cut it to and repaste it in the window to see if I can figure out what I'm doing wrong. I hate it when I do that!
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 14, 2007).]
posted
I just repasted and recounted, and it's only thirteen if you count the space between graphs as a line of text. I thought we didn't have to do that, so I've been putting in the extra lines between just to make the graphs stick out more clearly. But, I do feel better about my ability to count to 13, so I'll just keep it in mind for the future.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 14, 2007).]
posted
Kathleen, I had the same issue the last time I posted a first 13. I used 12-point Courier New in Word with 1" margins, took 13 lines, and pasted it in, and -- since they're supposed to be identical -- assumed that it would be okay. What I pasted in represented my first manuscript page exactly (Though I used extra blank lines to represent new paragraphs, since indentation goes away on the Web page.) But I got a line cut, too.
Deb, when you wrote, "...I have no choice but to die. For can we truly say we love when we are not ready to sacrifice self to preserve..." I thought that you were talking about the demand that love places on the lover.
So why not just say that? "...I have no choice but to die. For what else does love demand?"
There might be other ways to say it, too, depending on whether you really want it to be a question: "Love demands as much." for instance, or "For love insists on sacrifice."
You get the idea.
Regards, Oliver
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited August 14, 2007).]
posted
i think i say almost exactly that, several times, 'cause i'm just perseverative as heck sometimes. You're right, I can just cut to the chase on that one and stop dancing around, I think.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I don't have much to add that hasn't been said--but the style/voice drew me in pretty nicely. Nice characterization, too--dramatic, yet subtle. I'd definitely read on.
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posted
nitewriter, I think I missed it, too, but now that someone has pointed out how clever it was, I'll be glad to take credit Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
for those of you who are willing, Alchemy: the Monk's Story is finished. It came in at a whopping 16,000 words, so be prepared! This is more a historical fantasy, with no fairies, swords or ducks. Be ye forwarned, all who enter here.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Brenden, I am having some problem with my spam filter, I think. I'll send you an email, maybe you could just reply and attach? And I'll check my spam filter.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
No, it failed, both with and without an attachment. You have a viscious spam filter there. Perhaps you could get a webmail account for the purpose of this?
Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Hi. This is the qmail-send program at yahoo.com. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.
<debhoag@juno.com>: 64.136.28.83 failed after I sent the message. Remote host said: 550 Access denied...04d52d753135196c0ca928f5a9a995d9dd18f86c0d09085d6c71f898c898917148717169b568e8...
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, Kathleen. I'm going to take what you've cut it to and repaste it in the window to see if I can figure out what I'm doing wrong. I hate it when I do that!
