posted
Here's my first 13 from a short story I'm working on. . .
Something woke Red. Without a thought, her hand moved to the small knife beneath her pillow, which she unsheathed as she rolled onto the floor. Her auburn bangs hung over her green eyes as she strained to see the room in the darkness.
“Don‘t you ever sleep?” a tired voice asked from the second bed in the room.
“Quiet, Elle!” snapped Red. “I heard something.”
“We‘re sleeping in a dump of a motel with paper thin walls. Of course you heard something.” Elle adjusted the pillow beneath her head. “Probably just Mr. Dunlap coming home from his nightly trip to the saloon.”
“No,” hissed Red. “This was different.”
[This message has been edited by Kevin (edited August 25, 2007).]
posted
Two lines would stop me with this one. The first
quote:Without a thought, her hand moved to the small knife beneath her pillow, which she unsheathed as she rolled onto the floor.
Some would say that hands don't think, but the real issue is that two changes in subject within the sentence makes it feel clumsy. Make the sentence more efficient, for example:
She rolled to the floor, unsheathing a knife that was hidden beneath her pillow.
The second issue was
quote: Her auburn bangs hung over her green eyes as she strained to see the room in the darkness.
The important information in this sentence is the room was dark and/or her eyes had not adjusted to the low light levels. The rest of the sentence, auburn bangs and green eyes, are peripheral and slows the action. I would go through the whole story not caring what color her eyes were or her hair style, unless they held some real importance to the story, and then it is the importance that should be introduced about the same time as the details themselves. (Also, if it were dark, how would someone see the color of her eyes and hair?)
Finally, there is no "said" within the opening dialog. Read OSC's writing lessons on this website about dialog. In short, the word "said" should be used in most cases, the exceptions being when the actual dialog does not reveal the intent of the speaker.
These may seem small issues, but, when found in the first thirteen, they are likely to run throughout the story, and therefore would not be easy reading.
Something woke Red. "SOMETHING" IS A WEAK OPENING "RED WOKE." IS STRONGER. YOUR POV CHARACTER SHOULD BE SUBJECT NOT OBJECT. Without a thought, her hand moved to the small knife beneath her pillow, FULL STOP. THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ONE SENTENCE. CONTRARY TO ADVICE ABOVE, HANDS DO MOVE WITHOUT THOUGHT, SO THAT IS GOOD. IT SHOWS SHE HAS EXPERIENCE. which she unsheathed as she rolled onto the floor. I CAN'T PICTURE THIS. USUALLY IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO UNSHEATH A KNIFE. EVEN IF SHE IS SLEEPING WITHOUT SHEETS, I DON'T SEE HOW SHE CAN COORDINATE HER HAND MOVEMENT WHILE ROLLING OFF A BED. Her auburn bangs hung over her green eyes as she strained to see the room in the darkness. DON'T SHIFT POV IN MIDSENTENCE. THIS SENTENCE STARTS OUT LOOKING AT RED, FINISHES UP LOOKING OUT OF RED'S EYES.
“Don‘t you ever sleep?” a tired voice asked from the second (OTHER, UNLESS THERE IS A THIRD BED) bed in the room.
“Quiet, Elle!” snapped Red. “I heard something.”
“We‘re sleeping in a dump of a motel with paper thin walls. Of course you heard something.” Elle adjusted the pillow beneath her head. “Probably just Mr. Dunlap coming home from his nightly trip to the saloon.”
“No,” hissed Red. “This was different.”
I LIKE THE DIALOGUE. YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN ADVISED TO USE 'SAID' INSTEAD OF 'HISSED'.
posted
Thank you for all the great input. I read some of the OSC writing lessons and considered the advice and did a little rewriting. . .
Red awoke. In the darkness she pulled a small knife from under her pillow and slid to the floor. Her heart raced as she crept toward the window but dared not pull back the curtain.
“Don‘t you ever sleep?” a tired voice asked from the other bed in the motel room.
I'm still not too sure on that first sentence. How did she awake? I'd like to know more here, did she come awake with a start, as though a loud sound has disrupted her sleep? Or did she wake groggily, her mind still fuddled by sleep? I just think giving us more detail on how she wakes and what might have disturbed her would bring the reader into the story more quickly.
One other point, I think Elle's laid back attitude to their pursuers significantly reduces the tension that you have been trying so hard to create with Red. If Elle is unconcerned about who/what is chasing them then why should the reader be concerned?
Apart from those two nits it looks good, nice job!
posted
The second version is much improved, but there is one line in the first version that I really liked. Here's how I mixed the two:
“We‘re sleeping in a dump of a motel with paper thin walls. Of course you heard something,” said Elle, not even trying to keep her voice down. “It's probably another cat or that drunk Mr. Dunlap."
The 'another cat' establishes that she's always paranoid, so that you don't have to say "Do we have to go through this every night?" . Show instead of tell, right?
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