Here are the 1st 13 lines of a piece i started writing as a development exercise, but like where I was going so would appreciate any feedback I could get to 1) Tell me if you would keep reading and 2) help flesh out the premise a bit more.

The general idea of the piece is that it is set in an alternate version of modern society with a more facist bent to it. Peter goes from being an outscast /migrant worker, to joining what he considers to be a mafia group, only to find he is going through training for a government agency that works outside the law to maintain power. He becomes the people he is hiding from at the beginning of the story.

Let me know what you think

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My name is Peter Holiday. It wasn’t that long ago that I arrived in the city, but already I know the places that those who were born here are afraid to realize even exist.

Life could have been hard. It had been hard, until Johnny spotted me at the docks last April. Work was scarce without the right papers to show your employer, or the Corps Politico who patrolled the streets. Before leaving home my brother had taught me the value of appearing insignificant. My father had taught me that sometimes taking a beating was the best way to turn attention away from you. I made myself into an empty shell, nothing to spark unwanted interest. Johnny looked for this in a new recruit.

The first time I met Johnny I was hiding in an alleyway behind

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My name is Peter Holiday. It wasn’t that long ago that I arrived in the city, but already I know the places that those who were born here are afraid to realize even exist.

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That second sentence feels rather long, heavy, and uneventful. Give what appears in the rest of the city, I think it could possibly even be delayed.

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Life could have been hard. It had been hard, until Johnny spotted me at the docks last April. The first sentence here didn't work for me. It is contradicted immediately after it is said, so why say it? Work was scarce without the right papers to show your employer, or the Corps Politico who patrolled the streets. Before leaving home my brother had taught me the value of appearing insignificant. My father had taught me that sometimes taking a beating was the best way to turn attention away from you. I made myself into an empty shell, nothing to spark unwanted interest. Johnny looked for this in a new recruit.

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These details are interesting, but I feel I'd rather know more about the character first. Then I can see how Peter fits into all of this. Otherwise, this paragraph didn't do anything to really grab my attention.

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The first time I met Johnny I was hiding in an alleyway behind an empty trashcan, waiting for the Corps to pass so that I could get back to work unloading crates from a ship which had arrived that night. Some employers ignored the papers if

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This is where I sensed some interest starting to build. My suggestion is to see if this last paragraph might be the true start of your story. The other stuff could be included later, as it become important. This last paragraph starts to show action and perhaps even character.

I like that there seems to be an interesting setting building here. Knowing that, I'm tempted to read on. However, I'd prefer to see that interesting setting through a character--not just with a character standing in the middle of it.

As a reader, I'm left wanting a clue (maybe even two) about the alleyway (Clean? Dirty? Squalid? Festooned?), and a clue or two about what peter is like. I'd like to see things through Peter's eyes, not just know that Peter is there.

I particularly like this section

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Before leaving home my brother had taught me the value of appearing insignificant. My father had taught me that sometimes taking a beating was the best way to turn attention away from you. I made myself into an empty shell, nothing to spark unwanted interest.

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My name is Peter Holiday. It wasn’t that long ago that I arrived in the city, but already I know the places that those who were born here are afraid to realize even exist.(1)

Life could have been hard. It had been hard, until Johnny spotted me at the docks last April.(2) Work was scarce without the right papers to show your employer, or the Corps Politico who patrolled the streets. Before leaving home my brother had taught me the value of appearing insignificant. My father had taught me that sometimes taking a beating was the best way to turn attention away from you. I made myself into an empty shell, nothing to spark unwanted interest.(3) Johnny looked for this in a new recruit.

The first time I met Johnny I was hiding in an alleyway behind an empty trashcan, waiting for the Corps to pass so that I could get back to work unloading crates from a ship which had arrived that night. Some employers ignored the papers if(4)

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1. I'll echo lehollis in saying this sentence is a little long, awkward somehow. I like its meaning in the place that it is, but a rework of some sort might make things flow better.

2. Saying that life could have been hard, but immediately that it had been strikes me as contrary. Do you mean 'life should have been harder'? If not, maybe just 'life had been hard before Johnny...' would work better. In any case, this combination of sentences made me scratch my head a little.

3. I like this section, too. It tells me a fair bit about Peter's background that explains how he'll fit into the world, and already as a reader I make presumptions about the sort of chap he is, and who he might turn out to be. The only thing I didn't like is the use of "empty shell." After having read that so many times, it's lost meaning for me and become cliché.

4. This suggestion may not work because of where the paragraph goes after this, but I wonder if you couldn't swap the paragraphs around a little? Specifically, swap the first and last paragraphs. Then we have a progression from an important point in character story - meeting Johnny - and then we pull back, briefly, to get a snippit of who Peter is and the world he's in, and why Johnny chose him, and then we find out the MC's name, quickly, and learn that he hasn't been in his situation for long.

Overall thoughts:
Although I sense we have a lot to learn about Peter and the world, this opener seems to have the proper retrospective, character-addressing-reader pacing; in other words, it's not rushing to get to "the good stuff."

Why he joins the mafia group--is it because he thinks he can get protection from the corps? And what sort of training is he supposed to be getting? Why is it kept secret from him, and once he finds out, how is he forced to remain? What does he do about it? How does this "mafia" operate to maintain power?

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My name is Peter Holiday. It wasn’t that long ago that I arrived in the city, but already I know the places that those who were born here are afraid to realize even exist.

Life could have been hard. It had been hard,I'll agree here with Iehollis until Johnny spotted me at the docks last April. Work was scarce without the right papers to show your employer, or the Corps Politico who patrolled the streets. Before leaving home my brother had taught me the value of appearing insignificant. My father had taught me that sometimes taking a beating was the best way to turn attention away from you. I made myself into an empty shell, nothing to spark unwanted interest. Johnny looked for this in a new recruit.I think what doesn't work me is the lack transition between "Johnny spotted me at the docks last summer" and the beginning of this chunk. The bit about Johnny seems to suggest you're going to open an anecdote about how Peter met Johnny, not some back story about his father. I think it could work if you either made the bit about Johnny's interaction vaguer, so as not to set up the reader for a specific anecdote. I'm led to this because of the precision of "last April". Also, the bit about taking a beating, while it reveals a lot about his character, doesn't quite seem to fit here unless he is, in fact, going to take a beating in the next anecdote

The first time I met Johnny I was hiding in an alleyway behind an empty trashcan, waiting for the Corps to pass so that I could get back to work unloading crates from a ship which had arrived that night. Some employers ignored the papers if my mind started to wander a bit here. Maybe it's because of the exposition from the previous paragraph, but I wanted to have something meaty to grip on to at this point. I want to feel some sort of fear, anger, annoyance, something for this Corps that comes by. Maybe he could see them bullying some of the other workers for their papers, or something. You say life was hard for him, I want to get a sense of that. Being told is only going to take the reader so far before he or she wants more details, or proof of what you tell them.

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The first time I met Johnny I was hiding in an alleyway behind an empty trashcan. The alley was kept clean so the trashcan was really the only place I could hide. Along the road I could hear the click splash as the Corps walked in their boots through the puddles left by the earlier rain. As quietly as I could I pulled down into the shadows, a blemish on an other wise spotless wall.

From down the alley I heard a low whistle. Startled I barely kept from bolting out into the street. I turned and saw a figure wave to me from a doorway. I couldn’t tell you what drew me to him; the shadows blocked to much of his features for me to be able to read his face, maybe it was simply the fact that any distance between myself and the Corps had to be good.

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Thanks for the edit

[This message has been edited by Howjos (edited August 24, 2007).]