posted
This one is set in Turkey, in 800 BC (give or take a b or two). The alchemy stories are all quite different. The common thread is transfiguration. It currently comes in at 3700 words. The previous alchemy story is being re-written and restructured, based on some excellent suggestions from all you kind and helpful readers. The knowledge base here is simply phenomenal. I am thinking we should set up a permanent topic site in which we can log our respective areas of expertise, so that we know who we can go to for what. Sound helpful?
Okay, now onto the first thirteen:
Soon, I will be alone again. My bitter heart does not know whether to weep or rejoice. For nearly 40 years,I have been a prisoner here, and soon my captor, my torturer, my friend, my only contact with the outside world, will be dead. Dead from old age – a death I will never suffer. And I will sit here, on my golden throne, bound with golden ropes, in my mountain palace. Maybe for all eternity, unless someone manages to stumble on my once famous home, and have the temerity to cross the cursed threshold, to explore all the way into the bowels of the palace. On such insubstantial threads does my life now turn. My father, mortal and all too long dead, was Gordias, royal consort to my mother Cybele, Goddess of the Sacred Mountain.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 09, 2007).]
posted
Pretty Cool start. Short, to the Point and abrupt. Lovely so lovely.
the continuity from sentence to sentence seems almost disjointed. like bones not connecting because of the joint tissues missing. Make the symbols more obvious and simple to understand. what do the gold ropes mean? your writting is like a beautiful dream with many symbols but for those symbols to be understood they all have to be universaly understood so make them a little more simple to were people can understand and enjoy reading through. Attis Mytos pretty good writter. Wish the best of luck to you my friend.
posted
Hmmm. Twists and contradictions in the first 13. Some of them have to be metaphorical. 'Golden ropes' is my first guess. 'Captor' and 'torturer' look that way, too, since they contradict 'friend'. I would read to find out about the MC's immortality. How did it happen - his(?) parents were apparently mortal. (S)He is royalty in the setting of a monarchy. How does (s)he reign or rule without contact with the world outside the palace? Yes, there's enough there to hook me and I'll offer to read the rest. Posts: 243 | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
I'll be glad to give it a read. I found the first 13 a bit disjointed -- are you intentionally using sentence fragments for effect?
Here's a word by word:
Soon, I will be alone again. My bitter heart does not know whether to weep or rejoice. HOW ABOUT; MY BITTER HEART DOES NOT KNOW IF I WILL WEEP OR REJOICE. For nearly 40 years,I have been a prisoner here,PERIOD and OMIT "AND" CAPITAL S soon my captor, my torturer, my friend, my only contact with the outside world, will be dead.COMMA OR DASH Dead from old age – a death I will never suffer. HOW ABOUT: I WILL NEVER SUFFER DEATH. And OMIT "AND" I will sit here, OMIT COMMA on my golden throne, bound with golden ropes, in my mountain palace. OMIT PERIOD Maybe OMIT MAYBE for all eternity, unless someone manages to OMIT "MANAGES TO" stumble(S) on my once famous home, and have (HAS) the temerity to cross the cursed threshold, to explore all OMIT "ALL" the way into the OMIT "WAY INTO THE" bowels of the palace. On such insubstantial threads does my life now turn. My father, mortal and all OMIT "ALL" too long dead, was Gordias, royal consort to my mother Cybele, Goddess of the Sacred Mountain.
As you can see, most of my suggestions are to leave things out.
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Off to Clockwork Phoenix.
