posted
It was three weeks before its cries, before its pleas for mercy fell silent. Hunter Jon waited another two days before he descended those steep stairs into the murky cell. The stench was already heavy in the air. The body, when he found it curled up, foetus-like in a corner, was barely recognizable as the human it had once been. The skin was loose and sagging where it had been stretched over the mottled, heavy brow. The fingers were fractured and twisted where once they had been cruel talons. The teeth were broken and shattered. And, of course, the eyes were gone. The eyes were always gone. That terrible, eyeless gaze turned towards Hunter Jon as he drew his knife. Its breathing was pitiful, coming in short,
Tried dark(?) fantasy this time. If anybody wants to read the entire thing it's a slightly longer than I wanted 6100. Thanks.
posted
Gripping beginning, although I have issues with the smaller mechanics of the writing. Sorry if I've gotten petulant, but I believe this has the seeds of a great beginning and it deserves tinkering.
quote:It was three weeks before its cries, before its pleas for mercy fell silent.
I understand that the redundancy (cries, pleas for mercy) is deliberate and is intended to be literary, but it doesn't work for me in a first phrase. I've just come from checking out Nathan Bransford's first line contest. http://nathanbransford.blogspot.com/2007/09/and-nominees-are.html Here, he talks about preferring shorter sentences. I'm not entirely sure that's relevant to your first line, but I thought you might be interested. Anyway, what I wanted to say: the coma jarred me and the repetition felt unsubstantiated without a mood (which would need a paragraph or so to create) to unphold it.
quote:Hunter Jon waited another two days before he descended those steep stairs into the murky cell. The stench was already heavy in the air.
Perfect. I love this guy's name: sounds primitive and delightful.
quote:The body, when he found it curled up, foetus-like in a corner, was barely recognizable as the human it had once been.
Coma problem. Also there is a repetition problem. Excuse the rewrite: "He found the body curled up foetus-like in a corner, barely recognizable as the human it had once been". Interesting extra idea you throw in there.
quote:The skin was loose and sagging where it had been stretched over the mottled, heavy brow.
The last sentence was passive and so is this one. I'm not as averse to passives as MSWord, but maybe you could change the structure in this one?. Eg: "The skin sagged where it had once stretched over the mottled, heavy brow."
quote:The fingers were fractured and twisted where once they had been cruel talons.
Same thing, except here you repeat the passive _and_ the "once were" structure from the previous phrase. I'm not sure you have to change them, but I would suggest you play with these last three phrases: play with the passives (change one, leave the rest, viceversa) and the structures until you find something you love. Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I'll assume it's the "Hunter" part of "Hunter Jon" that sounds primitive and delightful.
Anyhow- I agree with Sara's comment: "The body, when he found it curled up, foetus-like in a corner" feels too indirect.
Other than that, it looks like another good beginning. I'd like to read, unless you're getting sick of my comments, Martin. (I'm probably too busy to get to it this weekend, but I could read it next week).
quote: It was three weeks before its cries, before its pleas for mercy[,] fell silent. Hunter Jon waited another two days before he descended those steep stairs into the murky cell. The stench was [already<--Necessary?] heavy [in the air<--necessary?].
The body [was][, when he found it curled up,<--[unnecessary, IMO.] foetus-like in a corner[. It] was barely recognizable [as the human it had once been<--[Either unnecessary, YET, or tell me what it is now known as.]. The skin was [loose<--Choose one-->and sagging] [where it had been stretched<--[Confusing. Makes me ask Why it was stretched. The protagonist knows, why isn't he thinking directly about what IT was.] over the mottled, heavy brow. The fingers were fractured and twisted where once they had been cruel talons. The teeth were broken and shattered. And, of course, the eyes were gone. The eyes were always gone.[Why were the eyes always gone?]
That terrible, eyeless gaze turned towards Hunter Jon[Wait. It's alive?] as he drew his knife. Its breathing was pitiful, coming in short,
I feel you were too intent on describing what it looks like, and not intent on what the story is about. You can dance around the thing's description.
1) If Hunter John knows what it is, I should. This is his PoV after all.
2) How can he see the vast amount of detail you describe in the "murky" cell?
3) Where is this cell? In a cabin floor? Spaceship? Ancient Castle? Colonial-style house in a New England suburb?
4) What time period is it?
3) What stench? By saying "The stench" you allude to Hunter Jon knowing what the stench is and why it is. This sounds like intentional withholding.
This is a short story, and you would hold my interest better by telling me what he's hunting and why.
posted
I would say this beginning definitely caught my attention, and I would read on to find out more. I've read through some of the others' comments, and they have some very good points about the mechanics; one thing I would add is that if you removed some of the "to be" forms, I'd bet it would strengthen your prose a lot. Rather than "It was three weeks..." you could say, "Three weeks passed before..." This would make things more active, and I think bring the reader more into the world of your story. Another example: "The fingers were fractured and twisted where once they had been cruel talons." This could be reworded like this, for instance: "The fingers, once cruel talons, now hung twisted and fractured." Or something like that.
As I said, this is a great start, it has a lot of potential. Good luck!!
posted
I'll read. There are a few mechanical problems that Sara Genge noted, but I must admit to being hooked.
Posts: 64 | Registered: Jun 2006
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I'll read. Sounds cool.
