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Winter's Lessons

At dawn Rohanna listened to the howling wolves and wondered how many of her people the cold had claimed that night. She should be grateful for the winter—it had stopped the Ilarians from pursuing them this far. She pulled the deer skin more closely around her shoulders.

A ruddy light spread along the snow-draped peak of the mountains cradling the valley before her, proof that she had survived the night. But the struggle for survival that awaited her that day weighed her limbs down with dread.

Boots crunched through snow behind her. It had to be Beledir; no one else would dare approach her.

"Her Majesty should not be alone," he said. "Nor should she be out here so exposed."

quote:

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At dawn Rohanna listened to the howling wolves(1) and wondered how many of her people the cold had claimed that night. She should be(2) grateful for the winter—it had stopped the Ilarians from pursuing them this far(3). She pulled the deer skin more closely around her shoulders.

A ruddy light spread along the snow-draped peak of the mountains cradling the valley before her, proof that she had survived the night.(4) But the struggle for survival that awaited her that day weighed her limbs down with dread.(5)

Boots crunched through snow behind her. It had to be Beledir; no one else would dare approach her.

"Her Majesty should not be alone," he said.(6) "Nor should she be out here so exposed."

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1. Howling wolves doesn't say morning to me. Twittering birds does. Rabbits loping across a snow-covered hill does. Think new life, not the howl of the killer, in the dawn of a new day. The juxtaposition of the new energy life, and her people's deaths in the night should carry a nice poetic weight, too.

2. I would make this was rather than should be. That's just me personally. Should be tells me that she actually isn't grateful.

3. Again, another wording nit on my part. Technically, they had been pursued this far, since there was no need to run further away. It's a little thing - play with it at your own leisure.

4. Wouldn't the fact that she is living and breathing and contemplating life and death be proof in and of itself that she is alive?

5. I'm thinking this is a little dramatic - we already know that the cold is killing people, so why expound on the harshness of the conditions? Nix this sentence and work the first into another paragraph, would be my advice.

6. This isn't a critique point, but a great big hug. As I read this sentence, I could see armies of lesser writers putting in he said deferentially, or maybe punching up the tag by putting he rumbled or even worse, his gravelly voice called out. The fact that you used he said made me very happy.

Send it over, if you like. I'd be willing to read.

quote:

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At dawn Rohanna listened to the howling wolves and wondered how many of her people the cold had claimed that night.<--[Passive. She's thinking more about the howling of the wolves than the plight of her people] She should be grateful for the winter—it had stopped the Ilarians from pursuing them this far. She pulled the deer skin [more closely<--closer or close] around her shoulders.

A ruddy light spread along the snow-draped peak of the mountains cradling the valley before her, proof that she had survived the night.<--[A paragraph ago, she was concerned with the Ilarians, now she appreciating the landscape. The sense of urgency -- what little there was of it -- has been eliminated.] But the struggle for survival that awaited her that day weighed her limbs down with dread.

Boots crunched through snow behind her. It had to be Beledir; no one else would dare approach her.

"Her Majesty should not be alone," he said. "Nor should she be out here so exposed."<--[This sounds like he's talking about his queen/sovreign, not to her.]

Exposed, she knew, not just to the elements but to the world and

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Good points:

• I know this is a fantasy.
• I know where they are.
• I know whose PoV it is.
• Nice voice.
• Good description.
  

Problems:

• Unsure what the conflict is. Survival from what plot? Escaping the Wolves and the Ilarians? A massive storm? Other? I can guess (based on the title), but I shouldn't have to.
• You have to treat this like nobody knows anything about it. Eventually, there may be readers for this before your novel.
• You violate PoV and stop the immersion with:
  

quote:

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But the struggle for survival that awaited her that day weighed her limbs down with dread.

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'A ruddy light spread along the snow-draped peak of the mountains cradling the valley before her. [ROHANNA SIGHED WITH RELIEF AT THIS] proof that she had survived the night. But the struggle for survival that awaited her that day weighed her limbs down with dread.[I AGREE WITH WOLFE AND IB - OMIT THIS SENTANCE].
Rohanna listened to the howling wolves [OR INSERT DIFFERENT SIGN OF DAWN HERE, AS WOLFE SUGGESTED] and wondered how many of her people the cold had claimed that night. She should be grateful for the winter—it had stopped the Ilarians from pursuing them this far. She pulled the deer skin more closely around her shoulders.
Boots crunched through snow behind her. It had to be Beledir; no one else would dare approach her.
"Her Majesty should not be alone," he said. "Nor should she be out here so exposed."'

Okay, so my insert up there is rather poorly worded, but hopefully you get what I'm suggesting. Wording it in that way gets across her relief at survival without you needing to tell the reader the obvious (I agree with Wolfe (again), the fact that she's breathing tells us she's alive).

The only part that I couldn't relate to was 'weighed her limbs down with dread' because I think dread comes from the mind or soul: surely it would weigh down her entire being, not just her limbs.

Also, I'm not sure she'd regard the ruddy light on the mountains as proof she'd survived the night, but I can imagine she'd be relieved to see it while at the same time dreading the coming day.

I'll gladly read it if you'd like.

quote:

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But the struggle for survival that awaited her that day weighed her limbs down with dread.

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IB, I interpreted this to be the POV character anticipating something she knew was coming--which annepin should definitely reveal very soon after. But it still seems to retain her POV and stay in her head. It's not immersed in the sensual moment, but it is immersed in the emotional moment. Does that work?

In fact, when I first read it, annepin did precede it with some description of hard survival, so she seems to be already giving us some indication of what it refers to.

Plus, Pat, I think the physical feeling in her limbs is a good manifestation of her dread. Sure her mind and soul are bearing it, too -- but we know that without annepin explaining it. The heavy limbs accentuate what we already know about dread.

I may be a minority on this one, but as a reader, the line works for me.

quote:

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IB, I interpreted this to be the POV character anticipating something she knew was coming--which annepin should definitely reveal very soon after. But it still seems to retain her POV and stay in her head.

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I respect that this is your opinion.

1) You "interpreted this" and that's part of the problem. I shouldn't have to "interpret" this, or have you (another reader) explain anything.

2) The line in question denotes the narrator telling something directly to me. For me it kills the immersion.

3) Last but not least: I am not a fool. I can reason details out, too. But, as a reader, I shouldn't have to. My take -- at the risk of being redundant -- is just that, My take. Don't bother explaining to me why you are contradicting my opinion. Your not going to change my first impression. It's too late. Your take (as was mine) should be for the author, not the critiquers. I don't necessarily agree with what Jayson had to say (example only), but I don't say in my critique: "Don't listen to him. I understand it." Instead, I just point out what I believe will help.

No hard feelings. Just remember we each try to help in our own way. It's not a lack of mental prowess, it's the lack of desire to have to guess when I'm learning what a story is about.

I'm thrown by the name "LLarians" because it is difficult to read, but otherwise everything is smooth.

I'm not sure how the light is "ruddy" and for some reason my brain automatically reads it as "a ruddy light (rain)..." and I had to re-read that line. Not a nit, just something I thought was interesting.

I felt like the word "that" was a bit heavily used. But I barely noticed, so it isn't a problem, per se.

Also, I like the way you introduce of Beledir.

I'd like to read the rest, but probably won't get to it until after the weekend.

The only part that gave me a bit of trouble was:

A ruddy light spread along the snow-draped peak of the mountains cradling the valley before her, proof that she had survived the night.

I read it twice, thinking, "what how does this light prove that she has survived?" Of course, what you mean is that the light proves that the night is over, not that she is alive. It makes perfect sense in retrospect, but confused me at first.

Personal take: I like the name Llarians.

But then, in Wales we have 'Ll—anwhatnot' everywhere

There's plenty of conflict here and the story gets into it quickly enough for a short piece. I think the setting is described well enough for the moment, but there are questions that should be covered soon.

Is this day's struggle special or more of the flight? I think her POV knows about an impending event. Perhaps that's what kept her up all night. That should be told very soon lest the author be strung up for withholding.(/JOKE)

Why are they being pursued? Evil Ilarians? (That is spelled eye ell, right?) Their own plot gone awry?

What are their prospects? A destination? Shelter? Allies?

How well suited to this conflict is Rohanna? How will her character develop?

I'll offer to read if you can wait until I finish chewing what I bit off last week.