posted
First 13 of a dark-fantasy short story that's finished in first-draft form at about 6,400 words. Looking for comments/critiques/readers/etc. You know the drill.
I tried my best to just grit my teeth and forget where I was. Claustrophobia was hell. Why'd these machines have to be so small? I opened my eyes and immediately regretted it. They snapped shut almost of their own accord. Deep...even...breaths. Don't think about it. It'll all be over soon. I swore that this was the last time I'd let myself be slid into an MRI machine. It’d be the first and the last. # Marie slid over the wall and down through the rose bush. Her heart ached as it always had since she had died. Thorns that would have brought blood before, slid through her without effect. Scents that her mind yearned to caress were
[This message has been edited by WriterDan (edited December 11, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 11, 2007).]
posted
I was a bit put off by the sudden switch in POV. So early in the piece, its difficult to feel connected to the MC, particlarly since I have no idea what's wrong with him. The fact that he's in the MRI and feelign claustrophobic is not enough to make me interested in him. It seems like a common reaction for most people.
The second paragraph scene I found much more compelling. But now I'm doubly confused--you've got first person POV and third person. Does the first person know about the third person? How is that, craft wise, going to work? Probably I'm thinking too much like a writer right now, but it made me skeptical on moving forward.
posted
First section is more just a character flash. "See me" kind of thing. Second section is really where the hook is supposed to be. Story is being told from the first-person's perspective. He finds out about the third-person perspective character very quickly. There are two of these third-person breaks, both very short, in an otherwise first-person story. One at the beginning and one at the end. Didn't know how else to do it.
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quote:Marie slid over the wall and down through the rose bush. Her heart ached as it always had since she had died. Thorns that would have brought blood before, slid through her without effect. Scents that her mind yearned to caress were
If she walks through the rose bush, how is she able to slid (I'm reading this as "climb and slid down the other side") over the wall? For that matter, why not just walk through the wall as well.
Edit: Actually, I just realize another thing that was bugging me. How can her heart ache (a physical sensation) when she clearly doesn't have a physical body anymore? If this was a heart ache she had from the day she died (i.e. she died of a heart attack and can still feel it), I'd accept it as a mental thing rather than a truly physical thing. However, you say this ache occurred since (I'm reading that as "starting after she died") she died.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited December 12, 2007).]
posted
I like the quick-hitting opening scene. Although, my interest faded because I had no idea why your character was in the MRI machine. Routine examination? Heluva way for a claustrophobe to reward himself for being vigilant about his health. Suspected or known problem? His apprehension is no doubt amplified by the cramped quarters.
Scene two: as was already mentioned, definitely rid Marie of any connectivity to still being in the physical world. That, for me, threatened to derail an otherwise intriguing scenario.
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