Genre: Pseudo-Non-Fiction-Kerouac-ish-Wannabe?? You be the judge. Would love to send the complete short story for someone's careful eye, critique, and/or general feedback --
(ex. This sucks! or -- It's great! Start over! Needs more detail! etc. etc.)

Thanks so much! Tina

p.s. If you show me yours, I'll show you mine, errr, did I get that backwards? ;-)

"Old Lange's Eye"

Lange lived above his garage on 5th street between a delicatessan and a book store with a mangy cat named Tiger who strolled around the place like she owned it. He kept a pup named Chance downstairs who hung around the shop and slept most of the time; he supposedly bought Chance for a guard dog.

Chance would wag me a greeting when the bell over the door tinkled even before Lange would come in, wiping greasy hands on jeans then a towel, both of which looked like they hadn't been washed in a year or two but Jack aways smelled pretty good. I'd shake his hand gingerly, surreptitiously glance at my palm to check for oil spots. He'd catch my look and check out my tits and ask me if I found a new guy yet, tell me I was a cherry he'd like to pick if only he were a little younger.

[This message has been edited by Tina Hoffman (edited December 08, 2007).]

I'm new around here myself, so other people feel free to correct me, too! But I'm pretty sure that this is more than 13 lines, which is all that's supposed to be posted (for copyright reasons if nothing else). I hear tell that thirteen lines will just fit into your posting box without making you have to scroll.

First, is this intended to be a short story or a novel? It kind of has the feel of a novel at the beginning, starting out with a long intro and lots of detail, no action.

If it's a short story, you might want to add a hook of some sort, something to draw the reader in other than your attention to detail.

Also, before KDW comes in shortens it, I'll let you know that the 'first 13' is to 12-point courrier font. This is used in the window you use to compose a message on the board, and first 13 should take up the whole box without scrolling down.

It sounds nice, peaceful at least -- quaint. I am eager to hear Lange's story. The mechanics of the piece are technically correct, but in the first 13 after it has been shortened, all the reader is going to see is your description of the dogs and the Lange. This is how it should look:

quote:

---

Lange lived above his garage on 5th street between a delicatessan and a book store with a mangy cat named Tiger who strolled around the place like she owned it. He kept a pup named Chance downstairs who hung around the shop and slept most of the time; he supposedly bought Chance for a guard dog.
Chance would wag me a greeting when the bell over the door tinkled even before Lange would come in, wiping greasy hands on jeans then a towel, both of which looked like they hadn't been washed in a year or two but Jack aways smelled pretty good. I'd shake his hand gingerly, surreptitiously glance at my palm to check for oil spots. He'd catch my look and check out my tits and ask me if I found a new guy yet, tell me I was a cherry he'd like to pick if only he were a little younger.

---

Great work, I'd be interested in reading more! Email me at jaysonc.papenfus@yahoo.com the rest of the story if you'd like.

-Jay

Kitti: Thank you for your read and comments. I was going by the number of sentences as the explanation of a fragment allowed was a little vague to me, but a good rule of thumb as you suggest is the "no scroll" tip and the best way for me to learn is to give it a go and see. Live and learn, good policy, and I don't mind being corrected when its delivered with patience and kindness, as you did.

Thanks also for the suggestion of a "hook" - when I think of hook, a Gong show loser, the Captain in Peter Pan and going fishing springs to my mind. As you might guess, I am totally new too, not only to this site, but appropriate techniques in writing short stories, having primarily written poems and journalistic pieces in the past. But even in journalism you are taught to be sure to get the who, what, when, where, why and how in the first paragraph of your story - the headline is usually the "hook." Soooo.... I thought of it this way - my headline is the hook, then I do a little window dressing in the first paragraph or two - but perhaps I could add a little more tension by bringing the glass eye into the picture earlier.
Will consider and appreciate your thoughts.

I'm glad to meet you and look forward to reading some of your stories and ideas too!

Jay - Thanks to you as well for the tip on the length of the fragment in a posting. It looks like KD was on the case right away, which is good, as I needed the cyber slap on the wrist, lol, not really ha ha, she edited the last paragraph I had slipped into my post. The piece is somewhat peaceful, not sure "quaint" is the right term, but you be the judge. You'd probably use a different term if KD had not come along to exercise her editing rights as mod - which is good. Norman Rockwell portrait in words, this story ain't. LOL. I'll email you shortly. I am open to honest and gently brutal (is that an oxymoron? lol) critique being completely green to the short story/novel arena... and look forward to reading your writings as well. Look out. I am quite an accomplished editor but may contribute less in the way of the appropriate format or technique for a short story than my comments on general themes, imagery, syntax, grammar, etc. But I'm a quick learner, believe me!

Kathleen: Thanks for being the silent sentinel to ever remind me and other newbies the appropriate length of posts for fragment solicitation of readers. Does that apply to replies too? LOL. I hope not.

Best regards to all and thank you! I feel the warm fuzzies in this place already! :-)

Tina

[This message has been edited by Tina Hoffman (edited December 09, 2007).]

First off, I loved it. Please, e-mail the rest along!

Now, for my own personal NITs:

-----
(1)Lange lived above his garage on 5th street between a delicatessan and a book store with a mangy cat named Tiger who strolled around the place like she owned it. (2)He kept a pup named Chance downstairs who hung around the shop and slept most of the time; he supposedly bought Chance for a guard dog.

(3)Chance would wag me a greeting when the bell over the door tinkled even before Lange would come in, wiping greasy hands on jeans then a towel, both of which looked like they hadn't been washed in a year or two but Jack aways smelled pretty good. (4)I'd shake his hand gingerly, surreptitiously glance at my palm to check for oil spots. (5)He'd catch my look and check out my tits and ask me if I found a new guy yet, tell me I was a cherry he'd like to pick if only he were a little younger.
-----

(1) This sentence works, although personally I'd prefer a little structure to break up the flow. Perhaps two sentences in there somewhere. Also, I think the word "street" should be capitalized when used as a proper noun (i.e. the 5th street, but "5th Street".)

(2) I like this sentence. I love the pup already, and it reveals something about Lange that he bought the pup, "supposedly for a guard dog". Shows the nice part of his humanity, which is good considering sentence 5. :-)

(3) I can't think how to explain this, so I'll rewrite the sentence to reflect what I understood it to mean the first two times I read it: "Chance would wag me a greeting, wiping greasy hands on jeans, then a towel, even before Lange would come in. They both (Chance and Lange) looked like they hadn't been washed in a year, but Jack always smelled pretty good." After a third read, I realized this was not your intent. But it stopped me dead as I worked to figure it out. The way I read it the first time made sense to me (a seasoned reader of fantasy), but on finishing the paragraph, it didn't seem to fit, so I reread it. Also, I spent about 4 seconds wondering who the heck Jack was. I figured out it was Lange, of course (I'm not completely daft, after all), but it took me a second.

(4) I would ditch both the adverbs. They don't mean anything to the reader unless we stop to think about it. In the first instance, we already know Lange's hands are filthy, and we know how we would shake his hand. In the second instance, if the reader must know how your POVC is checking her palm, show rather than tell. In this case, I don't think either is necessary. We can tell by the first phrase of the next sentence that the checking of the palm was intended to be secret. :-)

(5) This is a great sentence. No complaints. I suddenly have a new view of Lange, of course, but that is set off by what I read in sentence 2 (see above). :-)

Overall, absolutely excellent writing. I would love to read the rest.

Thanks for posting!

~Ben (bigdawgpoet)

[This message has been edited by bigdawgpoet (edited December 09, 2007).]

The bit is on its way! No dog bites or turtle snapping please, be gentle... I'm new here! :-)

lol

Right now your hook is missing. It reads very "heavy" which would make me reluctant to go much further even though some of the images are very nice.

While I like the local color, try to move into the story quicker or at least hint about it in the first 13.

Ex:

Everytime I walked into Lange's shop (which is what??), I got a different story about how he lost his eye. His dog, Chance, . . .

While not perfect, now in two lines I know that I have a first person narrator and a bit about where there story is going. I'd be willing to sit back and listen to the "fish tale" now.

Good luck

You are right - complex, but that's the woman in me I guess. lol

I appreciate your comment, it has been echoed by others and I am busy wordsmithing and whacking away at my story now. Staccato has never been my style though (stiletto maybe, not staccato,) this will take some time and effort but I'm up to it, I still believe in miracles and magic ... ;-)

Thanks for stopping by and reading/commenting.

Your choice of word play caught my eye immediately because of the season, and I dove into your first 13. Comments:

1) You have some good prose here. Good flow. Good detail. I like it.

2) When I got into the second paragraph, I got thrown for a loop. The first one sounds like the story's going to be told from third-person, but then the second paragraph jumps into first-person. I think it'd be a good idea to make sure that the reader knows what perspective the story is being told in, immediately. Maybe start with the second paragraph, with a more obvious first-person perspective, get the intro over, and then tell us about Lange as he peruses the store. (What kind of store is it?)

3) I don't see much in the way of fantastical here so far, so I'm guessing that there won't be much. I was a bit deflated thought when I didn't see any references to Christmas. Hope there are some. Word play without references might fall flat.