quote:

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“I said, empty your ****ing pockets,” the youth shouted at Matt, [his rotten teeth only inches away don't like something about that -- maybe 'baring his rotten teeth, only inchest from Matt's face'][, -- cut and end sentence] “Give me what you’ve got. [Now.” isn't he shouting? Maybe end that with an exclamation mark]
The boy’s face was the bright blue of a jalawari addict. The profuse sweating and the aggressive behaviour suggested the boy was going to nova soon.
Shit.
“I’ve told you already, I have nothing on me – I really don’t carry valuables.” Matt spoke calmly and slowly, but his pulse was racing. Jalawari addicts were dangerous, but when they went nova, they became twice as quick and strong until eventually their hearts imploded.
Inwardly he cursed himself for taking the route through the backstreets. The flashing red of the Watcher icon in his optical

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I like the idea of a drug that actually changes the addict's skin color, and really kills them if they don't take it -- but makes them very strong before doing so.

It makes me think this world, if there are many jalawari addicts, would be very chaotic. Imagine some place where people who can't get their drugs turn into superhuman savages and then die. Forget intervention, the only way to deal with them once they were addicted would be to supply their addiction or shoot them before they hurt someone.

That would be a good conflict for the MC: someone forces the drug on him, and although he hates it, he has to find ways to get it or die.

Great work!

-Jay

Though I did have the idea of using the same world for a story similar to the one you suggested. Although I think something similar was done in a Sean Connery film called Outland.

I was drawn in immediately and am showing my age a bit here maybe as the whole "Watcher" thing and the language brings a sci-fi fantasy feel to it and reminded me of the old movie "Logan's Run" where a red, pulsing light goes off in your palm when you turn 21 and that's the end of the line for you in that world, time to die and if you run - the civil authorities come after you.... or like the old short story "The Lot."

Good idea, and I like the window dressing. Is Jalawari an imaginary drug, or a real drug?

Feel free to email me with further writing or ideas if you'd like. Jay had some good thoughts. Here are some further comments for your consideration as you work this piece:

(please forgive me for not italicizing or bolding my comments. I'm new around here and still trying to figure out formatting in the text boxes for posts. do you need to use html code?)

[] = suggested deletions
() = suggested additions and/or my comments

“I said, empty your ****ing pockets,” (why not use the langugage, is that prohibited in this forum? maybe a completely new and cool street curse that only a jalawari addict would use!)

the youth shouted at Matt, his rotten teeth

("rotten teeth" feels cliche/overused to me. try another way to express the rotten teeth image -- "his fecal breath bathed me as he said...."xxx" --- or maybe another description of the teeth themselves with a color palette included; how did the teeth look to the protagonist as the youth spoke the words. Is it day, is it night - what color did they look like in that light and situation, given the dude was so close to the narrator's face?)

only inches away, “Give me what you’ve got. Now.”
The boy’s face was the bright blue of a jalawari addict.

(good image, intriguing - blue face, unique, tells the reader this is an usual place, and what is jalawari by the way? lol)

The profuse sweating and the aggressive behaviour suggested the boy was going to nova soon.
Shit.
“I’ve told you already, I have nothing on me – I really don’t carry valuables.” Matt spoke calmly and slowly, but his pulse was racing. Jalawari addicts were dangerous, but when they went nova, they became twice as quick and strong until eventually their hearts imploded.

(good word play here on "going nova" and imploding ...stars, more clues that tell me as the reader we are not here on Earth in this story!)

Inwardly he cursed himself for taking the route through the backstreets. The flashing red of the Watcher icon in his optical

(OK. tell me more! what happens next?!)

a link for UBB code is here: http://www.freebok.net/help/ubbcode.html

Then you will be able to go boldly and italicize with the best of them.

This whole story is due to be posted on www.critters.org on Wednesday. If you want to read it all and crit it, you are welcome to.

I am just checking the first 13 pull you in.

Tina, it is earth-based. Jalawari is a made up word! The story is set in the near future, I just thought nova was a good futuristic word to describe something becoming more powerful as it died.

I will see which words it changes, together with the first letter.

F = ****
C = **** - actually it didn't asterisk this one, I did! I am surprised it didn't.
S = shit
A = arse

I won't go on but you probably get the idea.

Maybe I don't understand critters.org well enough, but if you can invite us to read it there, then that means it can be read for free. So if I'm a publisher, why would I buy that piece if I know its already in the public forum?

It is not considered published, because you have to be a member to read it--it's the same as letting any writing group read your stuff. If you send me your story you are trusting me to not send it on. It's not published just because I read it.

Hatrack is viewable by anyone and so different rules apply and enforcing the 13 line rule is necessary.

Authors who put stuff up for critting on critters are regularly published in some of the big mags and people even run whole books through it--books then picked up by publishers.

If someone steals your story, there is evidence you wrote it because you submitted it to critters and then they posted it. A lot of big mags support and recommend critters.

I am not trying to sell it to you BTW, Hatrack is a different beast, I spend more time on Hatrack than anywhere else ...I just prefer to put whole stories up there and get crits from lots of people. One of my stories got 30 full crits--thats a lot of feedback from writer types on one story. You only get a crit is people can be arsed to read your story...so it's a market forces thing.

The guy who runs it is Dr. Andrew Burt, Vice President of the SFWA.

Now I sound like I am selling it. I AM NOT.