The two swarthy boys lay hidden in the shadows of the sword-grass growing at the edge the road between Duhr and Guisson. Their breathing was soft and shallow in the oppressive heat of the afternoon sun, but their eyes danced nervously between each other and the furrowed bole of the Resting Tree. Here the road from Duhr struggled up a steep rise and travelers often paused under the lone tree perched at the top of the hill. Its umbrella of golden yellow spears of leaves shone across the arid valley as a singular beacon on the steppes of the Southern Breccia.
The smaller of the two boys gripped a shard of broken elephant tusk in his left hand and a smooth stone in his right. He was ready to follow his brother.

You say they glance nervously to each other but that doesn't really help me picture the boys or the scene. Are they filled with nervous excitement? Are they afraid? I think if you show more of how they feel then it might be enough for a reader to turn the page, if the boys are terrified then I for one would be interested enough to read on to find out what is headed their way thay is so frightening.

Apart from that I quite enjoyed the writing, though umbrella of golden yellow spears of leaves read a little odd to me, I like the rest of that sentence though, nice strong image.

quote:

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The two swarthy boys [Names?] lay hidden in the shadows of the sword-grass growing at the edge the road between Duhr and Guisson. Their breathing was soft and shallow in the oppressive heat of the afternoon sun, but their eyes danced nervously between each other and the furrowed bole of the Resting Tree.<--[Has some building intensity.] Here the road from Duhr struggled up a steep rise and travelers often paused under the lone tree perched at the top of the hill. Its umbrella of golden yellow spears of leaves shone across the arid valley as a singular beacon on the steppes of the Southern Breccia.<--[These two sentences, while well written, quash the earlier building intensity. There's no urgency to the descriptions that would explain the nervous glances between the brothers. You could've waited until we knew the significance of their nervousness.]
The smaller of the two boys gripped a shard of broken elephant tusk in his left hand and a smooth stone in his right. He was ready to follow his brother.[Did his brother go somewhere? If so, I missed it.]

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1) A PoV would give us more dimension to the nervousness. However, I am not opposed to well-done omniscient PoVs--you just have to clarify which you want to usher us toward: action? setting? character? You have here a little dab of each, but not enough of any to establish it.

2) Whether cinematic, omniscient, or 3pl we should have their names. Even in 1st person, we should have one.

3) Most importantly, I don't know what I'm reading, or what you promise to conclude. What is the significance of the tree? Gold? Bodies? A pretty girl? A spaceship? A demon? A Tank?

4) What time-period is this in? I ask, because if you go deep enough into some cultures today, they would still seem primitive.