posted
I originally wrote this for a contest, and while I received positive feedback from the editor, I did not win. I've re-written the intro to eliminate the contest's required prompt and would like feedback on the whole story.
Here's the first 13 - please post critiques of them here, and email me if you're interested in reading the rest.
Thanks!
quote: The manor house loomed over me in the darkness as I slipped over the low wall and into the weed-choked gardens. Once the summer home of a minor lordling, it had fallen into disrepair as its owner fell into bankruptcy and disrepute. Abandoned to the wind and the wolves when the lordling fled in disgrace, something darker had taken up residency. Something that held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness. Something that had birthed and fed the rage and hate in my heart for two long years.
Something that needed killing.
I cautiously approached an unused side door. None of the tells I'd left had been disturbed. For two weeks I had been visiting the door nightly, slowly and quietly boring a tiny hole through the bronze lockplate, then plugging the
REVISED 2-6-2008:
quote:The manor house loomed in the moonlight as I slipped over the low wall and into the weed-choked gardens. Once the summer home of a minor lordling, it had fallen into disrepair as its owner fell into disgrace. Now, something darker had taken up residency in its moldering halls. It held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness, this thing that had birthed and fed rage and hate in my heart for two long years.
I approached an unused side door. None of the tells I'd left had been disturbed. For two weeks I had been visiting the door nightly, slowly and quietly boring a tiny hole through the lockplate, then plugging it with dark wax to conceal my work. Two nights ago, I had finally pierced the
[This message has been edited by xardoz (edited February 06, 2008).]
quote: The manor house loomed over me in the darkness as I slipped over the low wall and into the weed-choked gardens. [Once the summer home of a minor lordling, it had fallen into disrepair as its owner fell into bankruptcy and disrepute. Abandoned to the wind and the wolves when the lordling fled in disgrace,<--[Sounds like an info-dump. I suggest something short, like: Once the minor lordling lost the deed to misfortune,] something darker had taken up residency. [Something that<--Maybe trade one of these something's for: It] held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness[--]and fed the rage and hate in my heart for two long years.
Something that needed killing. [at some point, this becomes intentionally withholding. The story shouldn't hinge on what it is; you just established it was a revenge plot.]
I [cautiously<--I don't think you need this. If we don't know by now he's cautious (slipping over the wall), we're bound to think it's too late.] approached an unused side door. None of the tells I'd left had been disturbed. For two weeks I had been visiting the door nightly[Maybe you should open with this.], slowly and quietly boring a tiny hole through
posted
PDF is fine if you don't want anyone to change your work, but it's practically worthless for critiques.
Even though critiquers are not supposed to rewrite anything for you (some do though, and they need to ask permission first), they need RTF or text or Word DOC files so they can insert their comments right into your manuscript.
Please don't even bother with PDF for feedback. RTF is much more helpful for you and for your critiquers.
posted
I think it is powerful. It got my attention. I tripped on the first sentence. "looming over me in the darkness" mabye reword that and "something that needed killing". Should that be something that needed to be killed?
I'll read if you need
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited February 05, 2008).]
posted
Thanks everyone! I've sent off the current version (as of the original posting) to those who've asked so far, and I'm working on some changes for the intro.
Thanks, Kathleen, for the heads-up on the format - I prefer RTF to DOC, since RTF is pretty much universal. Most word processors can handle DOC format, but I've run into some that don't. I offered PDF just in case.
quote: The manor house loomed in the moonlight as I slipped over the low wall and into the weed-choked gardens. Once the summer home of a minor lordling, it had fallen into disrepair as its owner fell into disgrace. Now, something darker had taken up residency in its moldering halls. It held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness, this thing that had birthed and fed rage and hate in my heart for two long years.
I approached an unused side door. None of the tells I'd left had been disturbed. For two weeks I had been visiting the door nightly, slowly and quietly boring a tiny hole through the lockplate, then plugging it with dark wax to conceal my work. Two nights ago, I had finally pierced the
posted
xardoz, I like your revised version much, much better. If I was reading this in a magazine, I'd read on. (I don't currently have time to do a critique of the rest, or I'd offer to.)
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posted
I only have two suggestions at this point. The first is pure preference:
quote:It held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness, [this thing that--> and] had birthed and fed rage and hate in my heart for two long years.
Actually, there's another problem with this particular passage that I just noticed. It says that the rage and hate had been birthed for two long years. Those would be long labor pains! I'd suggest logically separating "birthed" from the time period meant for "fed".
The other suggestion is that you go through the entire story, trimming the overgrown verbage as you did from this section.
I, too, would read more if I had time.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 07, 2008).]
posted
Nits, but… Do we need to know it was the “summer home of a minor lordling” really, really? This is a short story so every dab of info should be examined to see if it is necessary. Calling it a manor house would make me assume the lordling stuff. And the summer home…well…how does that differ for your purposes than just a deserted manor house?
I’m a big fan of putting in more active, specific details rather than using vague, generics. Like –
Looming in the moonlight – what does that actually entail? Especially AS the pov is “slipping” over the low wall. Board wall? Stone wall? Brick wall? How high is low? Two feet? One meter? Three meters?
What I mean by not using generics is this (not the details of your story, just something similar to show what I mean) --
With one foot I felt around for the big stone I’d left in place. Found it, then slid the rest of the way over the brick wall down into a tangle of rosebushes and berry vines. Ahead, Throckmorton manor loomed above its overgrown formal gardens. Moonlight silvered the broken windows and left creepy shadows under the eaves. I waited, listening. I saw no signs of whatever had taken up residency, but that didn’t mean the manor was unoccupied. Off in the village tonight, doors were warded with garlic and the pub had emptied by dark. All week something had been killing cats and dogs. Yesterday afternoon Josiah Brown’s cow had its throat ripped out, and now little Katie Willson was missing. The village knew whatever stalked such prey had to come from here.
posted
Arriki nailed it. The setting and idea has me interested - but get us in there, let us feel it, experience it. Put it details that will make it come alive. For instnace. "...it had fallen into desrepair." This really doesn't tell us much. Tell us HOW it was in desrepair. Warped and scattered shingles? Patches of paint still visible? WIndows broken or overgrown with ivy? The smell of wet wood rotting? Involve the senses. By giving us these details you appeal to the senses while giving us details about the house - which then gives us a stronger sense of place. None of this is accomplished by simply telling us the place was in disrepair.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 07, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 07, 2008).]
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