posted
I thought I'd toss this in to be kicked around a bit - the first part of a short horror piece...I need a title for the pond - "Easy Fish Pond" is too lame, but that's what it is...
We would ride our bikes: Joel on his red Huffy – almost too small for his growing body – and me on my brother’s awkward ten-speed. We would go on Saturday afternoons in the spring before summertime heat grew too oppressive. Our fishing poles balanced on handlebars, jutting in front of us like antenna, we would ride our bikes because the pond was too far away to walk and we were too young to drive. Besides, Easy Fish Pond was a forbidden place tucked away behind Greenwood Cemetery – a well-hidden secret to fill Saturday afternoons. Joel’s dad had lectured him about trespassing and how much trouble we could find – but together we laughed at his warnings.
posted
One thing that stood out to me is the EM dashs. maybe to many maybe not, but you need to leave the space befor and after out.
I would say the 2 in the first sentence would be better replaced by comas. In fact I notice several places that need comas. And, comming form me ther means there are prolly more.
quote:We would ride our bikes: Joel on his red Huffy – almost too small for his growing body – and me on my brother’s awkward ten-speed. We would go on Saturday afternoons in the spring before summertime heat grew too oppressive. Our fishing poles balanced on handlebars, jutting in front of us like antenna, ~~we would ride our bikes because the pond was too far away to walk and we were too young to drive.~~ I feel that this was a given, and un nessaceary. ~~ new paragraph?besides, Easy Fish Pond was a forbidden place tucked away behind I would remove 'away' behind is enough Greenwood Cemetery – new sentence to fill Saturday afternoons. Joel’s dad had lectured him about trespassing and how much trouble we could find – but together we laughed at his warnings.
I would read more to see what kind of trouble they get into, but it feels loose to me.
[This message has been edited by Alye (edited December 18, 2007).]
posted
Not bad, but I would like to see a little more hook. Amp it up a little - arouse our interest. Give us a hint of what is to come. Instead of them simply trespassing, why not have the pond off limits ever since there was a body found there, or a head, strange footprints - you get the idea.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
A bit of reordering and the delay of some information might make it a bit more hook-y.
Ex:
Easy Fish Pond was a forbidden place tucked behind Greenwood Cemetery. Joel’s dad had lectured him about trespassing but we laughed at his warnings. Fishing poles jutting in front of handlebars like antenna, we would ride our bikes there on summer afternoons.
##
Now you can tell me what happens when they get to the pond.
Now finish the story. I want to know what happens next! I picture the boys fishing up zombies or really fat mutated fish that've glutted themselves on the remains of decades of decaying bodies...
posted
I agree that some rearrangement would be beneficial here. Below I made a possible rearrangement with the MINIMUM changes necessary to keep grammatical sentence structure. All other possible changes are suggested or discussed in bold.
quote:On Saturday afternoons[comma] in the spring[comma] before the summertime heat grew too oppressive, we would go [replace "would go" with "went"] to the pond. It was too far away[drop "away"] to walk and we were too young to drive, so we would ride [replace "would ride" with "rode"] our bikes: Joel on his red Huffy--[comma instead of em-dash]almost too small for his growing body--[comma instead]and me on my brother's awkward ten-speed, our fishing poles balanced on the handlebars, jutting in front of us like antennae [antennae is plural].[This sentence is getting just a tad long--the fault of my rearrangement as much as anything. It's okay as is, but if I'd been doing actual editing other than the rearrangement, I might have split it up or cut some less-important details.] [new paragraph] Easy Fish Pond was a forbidden place tucked away[drop "away"] behind Greenwood Cemetery--a well-hidden secret to fill Saturday afternoons. Joel’s dad had lectured him about trespassing and how much trouble we could find[instead of "find": "get into"? "find ourselves in?"]--[comma instead]but together[drop "together"] we laughed at his warnings.
As Alye pointed out, there shouldn't be a space before or after an em-dash. Also, it should be written as TWO hyphens.
One instance of "we would" just disappeared in the rearrangement, but that left two. The construction is a weak one that you apparently are attracted to. Try to avoid it altogether, at least for a while.
I don't find this unhooky. I actually like the calm tone that (presumably) will slowly grow in tension.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited December 20, 2007).]
quote: almost too small for his growing body ... we would ride our bikes because the pond was too far away to walk and we were too young to drive
seems unnecessary. I mean, anyone on a huffy can't drive, and there isn't any reason to explain why they are on bikes.
I think you could animate Joel on the huffy instead of saying it is too small (Joel's knees rammed into the handle-bars of his huffy, leaving an almost permanent bruise... err... something)
Printer-friendly view of this topic
