posted
This is a clip from an 1100 word fantasy piece for a competition. I was hoping someone could help me with line edits on the whole piece.
The dark figure, chased by frayed shadows, grew nearer. I sensed her desire as she snaked through the naked trees. I tried to summon my courage--touching my grandfather’s medallion that I wore around my neck. The dark one approached, leaves swirling in her wake, her form appeared from the shadows. I trembled as the sorceress, Nericinia, spoke.
“At last we meet, young falconer” her whisper, like icy wind.
quote: The dark figure, chased by frayed shadows, grew nearer.<--[Totally ambiguous. What is being chased by what, where?] I sensed her[Who?] desire as she snaked through the naked trees.[Like Stripped of bark "naked" trees?] I tried to summon my courage--touching my grandfather’s medallion that [I wore around<--[IMHO: hung from] my neck. [The dark one approached,<--[Incorporate this into: L]eaves swirl[ed] in [the dark sorceress Nericinia's] wake [as] [s]he [deleted] appeared from the shadows. I trembled as [the sorceress, Nericinia,<--IMHO: she] spoke.
“At last we meet, young falconer[.]” H]er whisper [was] like icy wind.
posted
I will send it to you both, and compare the results. The deadline is Sunday so please don't crit so hard I want to redraft it three times. This is my first entry so I'll accept the consequences.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Then you may not want to send it to me. I can only critique it all-the-way or not at all. It's the only way I know.
Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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