posted
I just finnished the first short that I feel really good about licking and stamping. How does the intro grab you?
No—oh no. Trillian knew that the quill in her neck came from a guardian plant. Why? How? There are no Mystics near here. I am not going to make it back. She had felt no reason to be on the look out for the inconspicuous yellow blossom which projected poisonous barbs when vibrations were detected by its roots. They were planted by the Mystics to protect their sanctum. She had been looking to the canopy, gathering qualloms—no where near the blood grounds. She knew that she must make it back to the colony in less than an hour. It would be nearly impossible in this terrain . She removed her hydration bottle from her pouch and discarded the pack. A small fortunes worth of qualloms spilled from it. She turned and began running.
I just figured out how to code Italics. Small step for most-- but a giant step for Bent Tree
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited February 24, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited February 24, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited February 24, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited February 24, 2008).]
posted
I'm thinking there's just a little too much info.
No—oh no. Trillian knew that the quill in her neck came from a guardian plant. Why? How? There are no Mystics near here. I am not going to make it back. She had been looking to the canopy, gathering qualloms—no where near the blood grounds. She knew that she must make it back to the colony in less than an hour. She removed her hydration bottle from her pouch and discarded the pack. A small fortunes worth of qualloms spilled from it. She turned and began running.
Some of the info, like the color of the flowers, just slows up the action. But the idea is great. It reads very rich, promises lots of stuff to read and think about.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited February 25, 2008).]
posted
I liked this one too, sounds interesting, feel free to send me the whole thing if you're after readers. Just a couple of comments:
I thought the place you chose to start was a little strange, the quill is in her neck and she knows where it must be from. I thought maybe if you started with the pain as it stabs into her neck it might pull the reader in more and it would also tell us more about the quill and the plant that's shooting it. I think its also easier to identify with a character in pain and getting shot at (if thats what the guardian plants do) rather than somebody standing there with something in their neck and we have no real idea whether she is actually in pain or not. Just an idea.
Why? How? There are no Mystics near here. I am not going to make it back I thought you should be building the urgency here, rather than have her wondering where the Mystics are, I'd rather see her more desperate to get moving if she really does think she might not make it. I think you should abbreviate I am to I'm aswell.
It would be nearly impossible in this terrain I thought this might have been a good place just to give us an idea of where she is, terrain could mean anything, even if it's just a "It would be almost impossible in this desert..." even that would at least give us something to picture the scene.
no where near the blood grounds. no where should be one word here, I think.
She turned and began running. Great finishing sentence, short and to the point and lures the reader on nicely
posted
No—oh no. Trillian knew that the quill in her neck came from a guardian plant. Why? How? There are no Mystics near here. I am not going to make it back. She had felt no reason to be on the look out for the inconspicuous yellow blossom which projected poisonous barbs when vibrations were detected by its roots. (This bit is an info dump--If you turn int around a bit you can avoid it. She'd been gathering qualloms far from the blood grounds when she felt the sting of the quill...
Quill and qualloms...to many q-u's for my taste. Also she was looking upward at the canopy and you suggest the quill is shot from the floor (otherwise she would have seen the flowers--you have to look down to see where you are going every so often) so to get on in the neck seems a little unrealistic. A plant with that defence system would more likely shoot at leg height. Just my thoughts on it.
They were planted by the Mystics to protect their sanctum. She had been looking to the canopy, gathering qualloms—no where near the blood grounds. She knew that she must make it back to the colony in less than an hour. It would be nearly impossible in this terrain . She removed her hydration (water--is a simpler word) bottle from her pouch and discarded the pack. A small fortunes worth of qualloms (what is a quallom--a blossom or a plant, or insect?)spilled from it. She turned and began running.
The piece should have a sense a urgency about yet it is terribly retrospective. We don't see the dart strike, it has already happened. Then we go further back in time to what she was doing before. Only at the end of the 13 do we get something actually happening.
I would recommend showing the dart-strike as she leaned to collect a quallom (?) and then have her worry about the poison as she strips off her stuff. Squeeze in a bit about where she was (miles from the blood ground) and then have her start to run. It would give a greater sense of involvement and immediacy.
posted
Thanks for the suggestions. I am trying to paint the scenes as urgent, but also showing the character's level head. I want to show that she is scared but not in a panic.
Monstewer, if you are still interested I will send it over once I work out the final draft.
posted
Not bad, Bent Tree. I get that you want her to be level-headed, but I feel like you're focusing too much on that aspect and not enough on the urgency, which is more important than characterization at this particular moment. It seems like she is hit by the quill and spends a long time thinking about how dangerous it is before deciding to run. In fact, after she thinks "I am not going to make it back" I assumed that she wasn't even going to try.
Maybe you can begin with Trillian feeling the quill and realizing what it is, instead of telling the reader that she knew what the quill was.
EX: No-Oh no. Trillian touched the quill in her neck with a steady hand; it was from a guardian plant. She turned and began running, a small fortunes worth of qualloms spilling from her hydration bottle. Why? How? There are no Mystics near here. She had been looking to the canopy, gathering qualloms—nowhere near the blood grounds. The inconspicuous yellow blossom, which projected poisonous barbs when it detected vibrations, were only planted by the Mystics to protect their sanctum. She knew that she must make it back to the colony in less than an hour. It would be nearly impossible in this terrain. I am not going to make it back.
Other suggestions:
Maybe instead of just saying "it would be nearly impossible in this terrain" you can have her trip or get caught in a vine or web or something. Imply that it will be impossible with an action instead of a statement. This will also give you another chance to describe the setting (is the terrain rocky, grassy, uphill, downhill etc.)
I don't know the direction your story is going, but it seems as though she will discover that the guardian plant is guarding something secret or hidden... maybe pull that out a little? ex: Why? How? There is nothing around here for the Mystics to guard. That sentence holds a lot of information... it introduces that the Mystics are the ones who planted the flower, AND also explains that the plants are used for guarding AND that the area should have been vacant of the flowers.
Your story is intriguing - good luck with it.
[This message has been edited by akeenedesign (edited February 25, 2008).]
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