Any and all comments are welcome on this, and volunteers to read all 5,800 words will be gratefully received. What I've got so far is a first draft, and in the interests of not offending anybody, I should point out that there's one fairly graphic scene of horror, and one use of profanity.
Scott glimpsed the thing for the first time just after two in the morning. He was parked in front of the city's deserted bus terminal, smoking and drinking coffee from a Thermos flask. There was nobody on the streets to hail him, which wasn't surprising, this time on a Wednesday. He flicked ash out of the cab's window. A hundred yards away, the traffic lights at the intersection switched silently through their cycle. The night air, clear as a lens, intensified the colours as they smeared the walls of the shuttered buildings. Perhaps he was hypnotising himself, because when something spindly and taller than the traffic lights lurched from right to left across the intersection, it jolted him into alertness.
I'm not feeling particularly gripped at the moment. The writing is fine, I just think you might need something stronger, a greater sense of menace to capture the reader's interest.
Scott glimpsed the thing for the first time just after two in the morning. This opening sentence didn't work for me. "The thing" is too vague, it could literally mean anything and it feels like you're witholding information from the start. If you don't want to describe whatever it is immediately, I'd even prefer "Scott saw it for the first time just after two in the morning."
There was nobody on the streets to hail him, which wasn't surprising, this time on a Wednesday. sounded a little awkward, especially when the reader might be more interested in whatever it was Scott's seen. Maybe something shorter and more succinct? "The dark streets were deserted." Or something?
the colours as they smeared the walls of the shuttered buildings. I loved "smeared", very nice
Perhaps he was hypnotising himself, because when something spindly and taller than the traffic lights lurched from right to left across the intersection, it jolted him into alertness. A little awkward, maybe try to have this important action in short, punchy sentences? Also, we have "something" so soon after "the thing", it does seem a little vague and I'm having some difficulty picturing the scene. "Taller than the traffic lights"--how much taller? And I wasn't sure what lurched meant, is it moving on legs? These are all minor nits here though, I'm sure you go on to describe it in detail in the next paragraph and I'd turn the page just to find out exactly what it is
posted
I like this. I would add one thing to the others comments. I enjoyed the description of the colors of the traffic lights smeared on the sides of buildings but I had to read it three times to put it together. The "traffic lights" and "smeared" are so far apart that I didn’t connect them at first and wondered what you meant. To fix that nice descriptive piece I would try to get it into one sentence instead of two. Take the "night air as clear as a lens" and put it on one end or the other so its still there but doesn’t split the other thought. Does that make sense?
Thanks for taking the time to comment on this. You make valid points, which I'll take into consideration
quote:To fix that nice descriptive piece I would try to get it into one sentence instead of two. Take the "night air as clear as a lens" and put it on one end or the other so its still there but doesn’t split the other thought. Does that make sense?
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