Based on feedback I have recieved, I am severely re-orderig this piece. I'm moving a segment from quite a ways in up to the begining, so I'd like some thoughts on this new first 13.

Kathleen, O Wonderful Mistress of Changing Stuff, would you throw a "New 13 added" or something to the title of this, please and thank you?

This one just got rejected from Ideomancer. They said they didn't care for the omni viewpoint at the begining (although they did read it completely, but Ideomancer always seems to), and would have liked to see the main characters introduced sooner.
They may well be right, I know it needs work. I'd especially like some volunteers for a full reading. Be warned though, it is horror and although theres nothing real bad in the first 13, the story itself has a lot of graphic unpleasantness.

Mike, Lois, and Stan had been squatting in the old abandoned tenement for about a week trouble started. Things had been looking up for them until then, which just made what happened that much worse.
Mike had landed a construction job, and was quickly becoming the supervisor’s favorite, since he could outperform anyone else there. No one realized that was because he was able to shape metal—even temporarily reduce its weight—with his touch.
A couple of days after that, Lois, who was able to generate electricity, had managed to use her ability, along with some old car batteries and other junk from a nearby scrap-yard, to create a sort of makeshift generator.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 17, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 17, 2008).]

On the outskirts of the city’s industrial district, there was an abandoned factory. Abandoned most of the time, anyway. At certain times, at most once or twice a week, it took on a different sort of life (you can't have a different sort of life from no life. There's nothing for it to be different from. It would just take on life).
People would come, slowly, quietly, from many parts of the city. They came in ones and twos, no one speaking, few even looking at each other. They all knew what they were there for and that all the others were there for the same things, (they all knew what they were there for - implicit is the idea that they also knew what everyone else was there for) but most of them didn’t wish to acknowledge it.
They found out about “the show” various different (redundant - take out various or different) ways. Mostly by word of mouth, but some times from messages left scrawled on soot-stained bricks, rusted metal, or the dingy walls of dimly lit bathrooms.

That would give you at least one, maybe two more lines on the first page. You could introduce a character.

quote:

---

That would give you at least one, maybe two more lines on the first page. You could introduce a character.

---

Well, it'd take a lot more than a line to get to any character intros as its currently written. Thats why I'd really like some full reads. But your right on the first suggestion especially, so we're going in the right direction, thanks :-)