posted
Looking for a few readers for my Return to Luna entry. About 3700 wd. I know the opening is kinda passive; the reflection here sets up the plot which is a deep personal journey.
Twenty seven Years. My have they flown. Ben found himself lost in the photo of two adventurous brothers mounted on the wall above his terminal. As he waited for the connection for his interview with WNN, he felt a stirring within himself. Twenty seven years, he had lived on the moon. He looked at the photo of him and his brother, Timothy, at the summit of K2. The dauntless duo had been peerless. Timothy had told him that he was crazy when Ben told him he wanted to put a bid on the Nascer mining contract. Timothy thought Harbinger Mining Corp was successful enough, but Ben’s ambition was never satiated. He had his sights on the moon every since Nasa became North Atlantic Coalition for Space Exploration Research in the early thirties. NASCER was serious about the moon.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited May 27, 2008).]
posted
Twenty-seven[hyphenate] years[no caps]. My had they flown. Ben found himself lost in the photo of two adventurous brothers mounted on the wall above his terminal. As he waited for the connection for his interview with WNN, [he felt a stirring within himself - shorten: something stirred?]. Twenty-seven years, he had lived on the moon. He looked at the photo of him and his brother, Timothy, at the summit of K2.[Make active - In the photo, he and his brother Timothy stood at the summit of K2?] The dauntless duo had been peerless[cut either dauntless or peerless; they sound funny together]. Timothy had told him that he was crazy when Ben told him he wanted to put [too many had told's: Timothy thought Ben was crazy to put] a bid on the Nascer mining contract. [Timothy thought - to avoid repetition, change to something like To Timothy] Harbinger Mining Corp was successful enough, but Ben’s ambition was never satiated. He had his sights on the moon every since Nasa became North Atlantic Coalition for Space Exploration Research in the early thirties. NASCER[I keep reading it as NASCAR. According to your acronym it should be NACSER] was serious about the moon.
The slow start doesn't bother me. The awkward sentences are more of a hang-up. Often by rephrasing you could cut the word count drastically and make the prose more immediate and vivid.
I want to see Ben convince Timothy to take the bid. I don't understand yet how Timothy goes from hesitant to adventurous.
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