Atomic Ragnarok had brought the ice of everwinter, and though the superpowers that fought the battle, gods and giants all of them, had been obliterated, there were those that had grasped upon the last roots of life and held on. They were the forgotten. They weren’t alone, though. There were still the true gods, those who would arise from the snow and ash to reclaim the world and kindle a flame to warm the hearts of those who had been forsaken, of whom all men were. But there was one man that refused to forget.

Woden, he thought of himself, as he rode atop his eight-legged steed, not that eight legs were all that uncommon. Breeding had evolved rather well before the Tid of Ice.

quote:

---

He was the spirit of Ásatrú. He was the survivor and struggler.(1)

Atomic Ragnarok (2) had brought the ice of everwinter(3), and though the superpowers that fought the battle, gods and giants all of them (4), had been obliterated, there were those that had grasped upon the last roots of life and held on. They were the forgotten. They weren’t alone, though. There were still the true gods, those who would arise from the snow and ash to reclaim the world and kindle a flame to warm the hearts of those who had been forsaken, of whom all men were. But there was one man that refused to forget.(5)

Woden, he thought of himself, as he rode atop his eight-legged steed, not that eight legs were all that uncommon.(6) Breeding had evolved rather well before the Tid (7) of Ice.

---

Well, a few things to comment on.

1. This is utterly extraneous. We do not know who he is, nor do we know who Ásatrú is as a point of reference. I assume the he is the same survivor mentioned below. Save this line for down there maybe, once we've met him. Having it up here, only to leap to a different though specifically referred to person the very next line is confusing.

2. Not a critique of the name per se, just an observation. Invoking Ragnarok is to call on Norse mythology, which you seem to be doing by killing all the gods off so quickly at the beginning. However, tagging Atomic att he beginning of the name makes me think of a Japanese to English translation of a character's name from a video game or anime, where often nonsensical nouns and verbs are strung together in an attempt to sound profound (Cloud Strife? Well, that's two nouns, but you get the idea). Just a random thought I had.

3. For me, Atomic = fire. Everwinter = ice. Which is it?

4. A little redundany, since you already mentioned superpowers as a noun. Maybe nix the superpowers line, since the fact that gods and giants are partaking in this battle makes it more closely resemble the Norse mythology of Ragnarok.

5. Another sentence beginning with "but". You're going for mythic and epic here. Starting a sentence with "but" loses some of that shine you've built up and exposes your amateur bits for the world to see and giggle at.

6. Are we missing a word or two here? This doesn't make any sense to me, and I've kept up pretty well so far. Sometimes simpler sentences are best, rather than long complicated compound ones. Especially if you're invoking Norse mythology, as the Norse were never known to have a penchant for Byzantine speech.

7. Tide, maybe? If not, what the he-ho-ha is a Tid of Ice?

I'm interested in the Norse angle, but the prose needs some cleaning up. As a first draft, this shows promise and I would likely read on. As a final draft, it would try my patience and probably find its way to the rejection pile unless you strung together an unbelievably wicked-awesome story.

Is "Woden" supposed to be his name? Or is it an adjective of some kind? I like the premise (I didn't have a problem with "atomic Ragnarok"--I think I got where you're going with that.)

The opening line, however, sounds like a marketing blurb, or whatever they're called - you know, the two or three lines on a movie poster used to intrigue movie-goers. I would rather see how your protagonist is a survivor rather than be told he is one. Also, I agree with annepin - the first full paragraph may be a bit heavy on the telling side. However, I understand that it's common to open SFF stories with often lenghty explanations, simply to set the ground rules. But you might try filtering in this vital info among an opening action. Regardless, send me the whole thing if you'd like.

[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited June 17, 2008).]

Ásatrú is the faith of those who worship the old Norse gods. Its literal meaning is "Aesir faith". Currently experiencing a revival in the circles of Germanic Neopaganism. And, yes, weird Teutonic heavy metal bands.

Woden is a version of Odin.

Woden as I understand it is actually closer to the original version of Odin's name. Its also the root of Wednsday (just ask Neil Gaiman.)

I like the notion of Sleipnir as a post-atomic mutant :-)

quote:

---

and kindle a flame to warm the hearts of those who had been forsaken, of whom all men were

---

Perhaps, "as all men had been" might be a little better?

quote:

---

Breeding had evolved rather well

---

quote:

---

He was the spirit of Ásatrú. He was the survivor and struggler.

You could combine these two thoughts and the name - Why not - Atomic Ragnarok was the spirit of Asatru, the survivor, the struggler - ? Now I know who you are talking about.

Atomic Ragnarok had brought the ice of everwinter, and though the superpowers that fought the battle, gods and giants all of them, had been obliterated, there were those that had grasped upon the last roots of life and held on.

That's a really long sentance that crams in a lot of information. Frankly after the first paragraph which had my interest, this is where I started to gloss over.

I'm wiling to wait for an explaination of the ice of everwinter, but then you throw in "superpowers." What? Are they other people or Atomic's other skills? Same thing with the battle - what battle? Then you rush into "those that grasped" - who are they? This is too much information for me to digest.

They [b] WHO? were the forgotten. They weren’t alone, though Obviously, they are a "they" or is there another "they"? .

There were still the true gods, those who would arise from the snow and ash to reclaim the world and kindle a flame to warm the hearts of those who Oh goodness, more pronouns had been forsaken, of whom all men were forsaken? Hu? . But there was one man who? that I'm not a grammer queen but I think the "that" should be a "who" refused to forget.

Woden, he thought of himself, as he rode atop his eight-legged steed, not that eight legs were all that uncommon. Breeding had evolved rather well before the Tid of Ice.

---

In these 13 lines you introduce:

1) The spirit of Asatru
2) Atomic Ragnarok
3) the Superpowers
4) gods
5) giants
6) those that grasped
7) true gods
8) those who had been forsaken
9) all men
10) one man
11) Woden
12) The 8 legged steed
13) The Tid of Ice

Now some of these people may overlap but it's hard to tell from the text. While I know it's a short story, slow down. Tell me about one person and one thing in the first 13. More than that and you are going to confuse and lose your audience.

Hope this helps

Edited because I forgot the Steed, poor thing.

Once you've edited the first 13 lines a bit more, I'd like to read the whole thing.

quote:

---

He was the spirit of Ásatrú. He was the survivor [Of What? Here needs to be mention of "Atomic Ragnarok".] and struggler.

Atomic Ragnarok had brought the ice of everwinter, and though the superpowers that fought the battle, gods and giants all of them, had been obliterated, there were those that had grasped upon the last roots of life and held on.<--[Goes from the perspective of "He/him" to a distant narrator.] They were the forgotten. They weren’t alone, though. There were still the true gods, those who would arise from the snow and ash to reclaim the world and kindle a flame to warm the hearts of those who had been forsaken, of whom all men were. But there was one man that refused to forget.<--[Because this is so distant, it does read like the hook (the real name for the "blurb") on the back of the book. If he's an Ásatrú worshiper (which is unclear from the opening sentence, unless you know what that is), show us his thoughts and we'll learn that.]

Woden, he thought [of<--"of" or "to"?] himself, as he rode [atop<--unneeded.] his eight-legged steed, not that eight legs were all that uncommon. Breeding had evolved rather well before the Tid of Ice.

---

I'll give it a read. Interesting, and I don't even mind that it sounds like a post-apocalyptic tale (which I also like) because it's such a different spin on it.

Ragnarok is the Norse version of Armageddon, for those who don't get it.

Woden was who most Germanic tribes worship when they were fighting the expansion of Rome.

"Everwinter." I like that word. Did you make it up?

I got the feeling that I would need to know Norse history to understand the story (which I don't) so, I lost interest.

quote:

---

Woden, he thought of himself, as he rode atop his eight-legged steed, not that eight legs were all that uncommon.

---