posted
Hi all. This is a work in progress. It should shape up to be about 4k in length. It's first person. It's ... I don't know, Modern Goth? Not quite sure how to pidgeon hole this one, but it's based on some stuff I've been thinking about for a while. I'd love to hear feedback on the first 13 and if anyone would volunteer to read/crit the draft it would make me all smiley. Thanks in advance.
Here's the 13 ...
The rain beat down on the highway like blood on a slaughter house floor. Desert rain always made me uneasy. It made me think of death, the inevitable cleansing that comes without warning to wash away the dirtiness of mankind's passing. The sweet oblivion that I might never know.
Barstow is a **** hole of a town. Two major highways and a railyard bring in vagrants and desperados from the better places. Everyone here behaves like dogs, and dreams all die before they get here. All the whores have lost their taste. It figures Trango would be in a town like this. Flies to ... you know.
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I thought I'd step out and be the first to comment. You use a great deal of imagery, which can be good, but it's not making much sense to me. This, coming from me, is quite a statement (I have a tendency to use complex analogies in my writing).
quote:The rain beat down on the highway like blood on a slaughter house floor.[ethics aside - I don't picture blood-letting as similar to rain] Desert rain always made me uneasy. It made me think of death, the inevitable cleansing that comes without warning to wash away the dirtiness of mankind's passing.[I don't understand this at all] The sweet oblivion that I might never know. [immortal or damned? - fragment?]
Barstow is a **** hole of a town. Two major highways and a railyard bring in vagrants and desperados [choose one]from the better places.[are you saying the vagrants are better than the townspeople?] Everyone here behaves like dogs, and dreams all die before they get here.[does "they" refer to "everyone" - if so there is a grammatical problem - otherwise it is still disjointed and not comma friendly] All the whores have lost their taste.[What?] It figures Trango would be in a town like this. Flies to ... you know.[Uh - I don't know...]
I personally think first person is very difficult to write. In addition to that you are giving me a very confusing info dump, because I can't make sense of your analogies. I understand this is an unpleasant town, but you haven't really told me why or why I should care. Flesh the town and these people out. Make them real - if everyone is so unlikeable, why should I keep reading?
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 20, 2008).]
posted
OK, your analogies make some sense to me. The image of blood and a slaughterhouse sets up an expectation, fitting in with the narrator's unease with rain. People who have always lived in the desert have that kind of relationship with rain, which brings sudden death (and other losses) in the form of flash floods. But rain is also the precurser for all life in the desert.
I'm having a little trouble with desert rain (pounding monsoon) like blood in a slaughterhouse (flowing, seeping?).
I also like the image of the town with highways and raillines bringing in the people whose dreams have died.
Overall I like the way you set up the mood of the piece.
I don't get what hookers losing taste means, though.
posted
I really like the edgy description. Though the title is a turn-off for me. It just seems like a gruesome subject written in the style of Dr. Suess.
Posts: 2195 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
I want to thank you all for checking out my first 13. Your critiques gave me a few things to think about.
I have a pretty good idea of where I want the story to go, so I should be wrapping it up soon. I'll shoot you a draft, Mary, as soon as it's complete.
I realize the title sucks. I just kind of made it up on the fly, and I don't like it much myself. It was a working title that I think I am able to work past by now. As for the line about the whores losing their taste, I get that that was a pretty vague metaphor. I'll be swapping it with a simile instead.
Again, thank you all so much for helping me with this.
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I didn't mean the title sucked outright, I just meant that I didn't care for it. That doesn't mean it sucks, though.
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posted
GLiB, when you decide on a title you like, let me know (post it in this topic), and I'll change it for you.
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I hadn't intended to sound so harsh. I didn't have much sleep when I critiqued your 13. That said, I still don't understand the next line:
quote:It made me think of death, the inevitable cleansing that comes without warning to wash away the dirtiness of mankind's passing. The sweet oblivion that I might never know.
I'm losing track of what your describing - it's the "to wash away the dirtiness of mankind's passing" part that really confuses me. Isn't "death" the "cleansing" and also the "passing"? - and why would he never "know" it?
I figured out the "whore" comment, although it's very oblique. And I figured out the "flies to..." comment, but I had to go back and read it a couple of times.
I still can't find a reason to like this character or the town. Granted, I suppose there are times when a main character is unlikable - I think of Catcher in the Rye.
If it is any consolation, I loved your intro over in the new member section.
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Phew. Well I finally completed my first draft of this story. It ran a little long (6k). It took longer than I thought it would due to a snafu with lotus symphony where I lost 2000 words and had to stay up till 3am trying to rewrite what I had lost. I’ll send out a copy to: marywillow, BMFulks, and Merlion-Emrys. If anyone else wouldn’t mind giving me some feedback, I’d appreciate the help.
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